How To End An Affair With A Married Man And Stop Being His Mistress
How to find yourself a more available man.
getty images No one sets out to be a mistress. True, some women may set out to have an affair or a fling with a married man; however, no one intentionally falls in love with a married man. Despite the best of intentions, you may suddenly realize one day that the "casual" fling has turned into a full-blown love affair.
Whether the love affair is mutual or one-sided, being in love with a married man rarely works out in your favor in the end. While a married man can love another woman (like you), that situation often brings on nothing but pain and heartache.
Here's how to end an affair with a married man for good and reclaim your life
1. Start dating other people
One option is to fall in love with another man, preferably a single and available one. Interestingly, many women who become involved with a married man are surprisingly faithful to him. Even if you are inherently faithful, the bottom line is that he is not being faithful to you and you owe him no loyalty.
Get out and open yourself up to other possibilities.
As Heather Havrilesky writes for the Ask Polly column on The Cut, one of the best ways to get over an affair partner is to "Look around and ask yourself what this guy had that you wanted. Ask yourself what you were avoiding. Ask yourself what you hate about showing up and speaking to a real, relatively powerless guy who is needy and fragile, just like you, in real time."
Once you do this, you can "Figure out how to meet someone who is also reckoning with these questions."
Ending a relationship when you are still in love with someone is hard to do, but it can be easier if you can open yourself up to another relationship, or at least the possibility of a hot, attractive distraction.
2. Ask him for financial assistance
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If you have never actually asked for money or gifts, start asking. If you do typically ask, ask for more.
While he may acquiesce at first, he will likely get irritated with your requests, leading to a rift in the relationship.
In the meantime, stash the money or gifts in case you are left financially worse off when the relationship finally ends.
3. Spend more time with him
Another tactic to employ, when possible, is to push for more time with your married man. Extended periods of time together are even better.
When you only see someone for brief periods of time, they only show you their best side. As psychotherapist and renowned relationship expert Esther Perel explains, affairs are often "an alternate reality in which [people] can reimagine and reinvent themselves."
Try spending a few days with him and you might be surprised at what you see.
"Because we cannot have our lover, we keep wanting," Perel writes. "It is this just-out-of-reach quality that lends affairs their mystique and keeps the flame of desire burning."
Once that "mystique" is out of the picture, you may very well find that there's nothing all that special about your affair partner after all.
Spend enough time together for the little things to irritate you and don't hold back when you find yourself disagreeing with him. Although picking a fight might be going too far, don't avoid one either.
4. Be your true self
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Let your "bad side" show as well. As he has likely only shown you his good side, you have probably done the same. Now is the time to let loose — complain, cry, yell, and develop expectations.
5. Love yourself instead
Finally, and most importantly, fall in love with yourself. Ask yourself why you accept the "crumbs" this person throws at you.
Remind yourself that you deserve love and that you are worthy of a real and loving relationship.
Getting over an affair partner is painful, but possible. Just like any other breakup, wading through the stages of grief that come after leaving an affair partner will take time.
Once you've taken time to care for yourself, you'll realize that you deserve much more than what the affair gave you. You can find the thrill of love in a relationship that gives to you just as much as you give to it, without having to hide anything.
Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice, relationship expert, and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships.