What It's Really Like To Have A Crush On A Married Woman
Dude, she's married! And I know that. So what am I doing?
getty I'm separated now, on the brink of divorce from a woman I was married to for almost a decade. We've been split up for almost a year, and so in a lot of ways it would seem that any crushes I might be having on women I meet around town, or even just I know through Facebook ought to be natural and healthy occurrences.
Having a so-called "crush" on another person should be harmless. Hell, it should even be fun if you've got your wits about you and understand that nothing is ever probably going to come of it. Especially if that person you're crushing on is already in a relationship... or beyond that, married. Yes, I have a crush on a married woman. Leave it to me to screw up even the most simple human thing.
See, while I maintain a healthy, manageable load of crushes on women (is a dozen too many?), I find myself having to own the fact that at least half of those crushes are on who are already super-serious with someone else.
And yeah, some of them are actually married to another man. And that's weird. Or is it?
The first thing I have to ask myself is: what kind of a "crusher" am I? Am I the sort of person who tries to flag down a mild fantasy with real arm-flailing and hollering? The truth is, no, I'm not. I'm pretty mild-mannered when it comes to my advances.
And let's face facts, I'm also a decade older than the last time I even pretended to know how to win a woman over. I'm so far out of practice that the idea that I have any game left in me is almost laughable.
Plus, I'm the sort of guy who actually does believe in relationships and monogamy and all of that boring stuff. So why should I be questioning myself when I crush on a married woman, right? It's not as if I plan on contacting her about it. Right? RIGHT?
What the hell goes on in our heads at any given time in regards to love and lust is just puffs of smoke and quick glimpses of realistic rational behavior, if you ask me. So much of what drives us in our pursuit of anything love- or -related is pure madness, pure selfishness lit by the fires of our own insatiable desire to be fulfilled in the best way possible.
There's little logic involved in any of it. That's why you see so many bemused faces of people doing their Walk of Shame home from a one-night stand on Saturday mornings all over the world. It's a beautiful thing to recognize that we're all kind of united by an overriding inner-engine when it comes to the primal urge to be wanted, hunted, and eventually captured when the time is right.
So I try and rationalize that having crushes at this point in my life, when I'm fresh off a breakup and still staggering around in the midst of marital separation, is normal. Yet, when I look at at least half of the I'm crushing on, I find myself appalled (and slightly repulsed) by their unobtainable status.
Dude, they're married! And I know that. So what am I doing?
But let me back up. I look at all women with respect and an open mind. I make an effort to note what's super-cool about any person I meet (or even cyber-meet) before I look for any flaws. Most of us give people the benefit of the doubt. We don't go into a conversation thinking that this psycho is probably going to hack our tongue out with a portable Army-issue meat saw before the night is through. If we did, our social lives would include TV on the couch alone forever. (Oh wait, that IS your social life? Well, maybe you're doing it wrong.)
As for me, I believe in the possibility/fantasy/dream/five-minute-fun. But here's the kicker: I don't get off on the idea of a one-night stand. I'm more smitten with women who've shown they have what it takes to be with one person, all in. Sure, it helps if I find that woman super-hot, but what I think I'm realizing about myself is that I'm also really drawn to who seem to be pretty good at love.
If that sounds pretentious or lame to say, I don't give a horse's . Because love will either chew you up and spit you back out into the world like a wad of Hubba Bubba with a little bit of flavor left, or it will just swallow you whole, leaving you to slide into the dark guts of your own failed romance, never to emerge again.
Forget that. I'm too old and wise and mindful to waste my time crushing on a woman simply because she's hot.
At this point, I can own (with honor!) my crushes on who may be taken, because attraction is often all smoke and mirrors, people. It's carnal lies we tell ourselves to justify a passing tingle.
But when you can recognize something bigger and bolder that exists out there in this mad world, something like commitment and devotion running rampant through the veins of a lot of people living their lives, there's inspiration to be had.
Serge Bielanko is a father of three kids. He lives in Central Pennsylvania and enjoys fly fishing for trout, red wine, fat novels, and pizza.