The Straight Truth About Why Married Women Have Lesbian Affairs
It's surprisingly common — but that doesn't mean it'll end well.
Getty Do lesbians ever fall for women who are married to men, and do straight married women fall for lesbians? Yes, it happens all the time.
And if that's something you're involved in, be prepared for things to get hard.
Don't expect it to be easy or for the cheating wife to depart her marriage without a lot of hesitating, questioning and making false promises along the way. She and her husband have a life — and probably a house and kids and bills and extended family — together.
Who is responsible for this messy situation and why do married women have lesbian affairs?
A married woman who otherwise identifies as straight but begins to have feelings for another woman is likely to be unhappy in her relationship with her husband. She may be trying to figure out how to feel better about it all.
Even if she's been questioning her sexual orientation and preferences for a while, she may believe she has to stay married for a wide variety of reasons.
But maybe she's not attracted to her husband anymore and is wondering if that's because she's a lesbian.
Maybe he's not paying attention to her and she's lonely. Maybe she got married for all the wrong reasons and is looking for answers. Or maybe she just got drunk one night and decided a lesbian encounter would be a great experience and a story to tell her friends.
Perhaps you are a lesbian who prefers more feminine women and finds it hard to meet femme or lipstick lesbians. Or you find heterosexual women sexy and like to flirt with straight married women because it's a great way to feel powerful, seductive and connected to someone who isn't really available.
Once in a while, I hear from two married women who are having an affair with each other and aren't sure what to do.
They don't define themselves as lesbians, but have discovered they'd rather be with each other than with their husbands.
Dr. Lisa Diamond, who conducts research on human sexuality at the University of Utah, has spent significant time looking at why women become attracted to other women.
She's concluded that women are more open and more fluid in regard to how they connect to other individuals than we generally think, and that sometimes when a woman forms a very strong emotional bond to another woman, sexual attraction can follow.
These women aren't necessarily repressed lesbians as much as they are newly expanding their sexual preferences based on a deep emotional connection to this specific person.
Of course, ultimately, affairs between single lesbian women and married straight women often happen when there is something wrong with the wife's marriage.
When any relationship goes into the doldrums and distance starts to grow between a couple, an affair always becomes a possibility, especially when someone shows up and starts paying attention to a woman who is lonely and desperately wants someone to truly see her and appreciate her.
It can also be easier for a married woman to tell her husband about the time she is spending with another woman than it would be if she was spending time with a man.
When married women hang out with female friends, most husbands never question it. Something really odd would have to happen for a husband to even notice.
But most of the time, the cat gets out of the bag eventually. Either the husband finds out what's going on, or the wife tells him she's been cheating on him — and with whom.
When a man discovers his wife is having lesbian sex with a woman he thought was just her "friend," one of these 3 things typically happens:
1. The husband becomes furious and forces the other woman out of the picture.
He (and therefore the wife by proxy) tells her never to come back. She sneaks around for ages trying to get the wife to leave her husband, but the wife won't go.
The single lesbian woman is left heartbroken and alone.
2. The husband says he loves his wife and is open to letting her try this out so she can "get it out of her system."
The married couple may experiment with having an open relationship. Sometimes they all try living in the same house together. This works for a while and then someone gets upset.
Most often it's the husband who says he's done being nice about it and he wants his wife back. The lesbian is left heartbroken. The wife may be too, but she's typically too scared to leave the security of her hetero marriage.
3. Once in a while, although rarely, the wife leaves her husband.
Then there is a big mess to get through because of the divorce. However, this is may actually be a happy outcome for the lesbian and could hopefully lead to a long and happy relationship for both women.
So, what are the true reasons why married straight women are attracted to women and have affairs with them?
I'd like to say it's simply because they don't believe they can find love any other way, but nothing about love or sex is really that simple.
If you're about to have an affair with a married woman, think twice.
Affairs happen. Some of these clandestine couples survive. Some wives do leave their husbands for their lesbian lover. But many lesbians are left out in the cold when it all falls apart and the "straight" woman stands by her man.
Learn to take care of your heart and yourself. Get connected to a great therapist, counselor or coach who can help you navigate the decisions that will lead you to the great life and love you deserve.
Mary Malia is known as the Gay Girl Dating Coach. Her career grew out of her experience as a mother, pastor, counselor and coach. It's an extension of her mission to be of service in the world and in particular to the lesbian singles community. Visit her website if you're ready to jump into the lesbian dating world.