9 Difficult (But Realistic) Challenges To Expect When Coming Out Later In Life
Just because you're older, it doesn't make things easier.
getty Now that gay marriage is legal in the United States, it seems that the more people recognize that love is love, the more gay people feel safe to come out of the closet. However, what is surprising is that they do not come from millennials; mostly, they are from the Gen X and baby boomer generations.
These generations grew up in a time of don't ask, don't tell, and they hid in underground clubs and meeting spaces. They lived dual lives to a greater extent than a millennial could ever imagine. If you were gay, you either hid it masterfully, or were considered to be a freak, rebel or even villain.
It's really not so surprising that Gen X and Baby Boomers wait when coming out later in life, until their lives become unbearable. And then once they do come out, they face a number of challenges that make it even harder.
Here are 9 difficult challenges anyone who comes out later in life should expect.
1. You may find yourself in a heterosexual marriage as a cover up.
That is, being married in a heterosexual relationship to cover up the fact that you're gay. Due to familial, societal or religious pressures, the "hetero but gay" got married to a woman hoping that his marriage would make the gay part of himself miraculously disappear.
Instead, he faces a life of full of overwhelming deceit and infidelity. Of course, the worst part of the married and gay relationship is the amount of hurt and pain the wife experiences when her husband comes out of the closet. Pain, turmoil and anguish often occur, which wreaks havoc in everyone's lives.
2. You fear how your children will react.
Those who tried to be straight by getting married, end up parents. Most are thrilled and almost see it as worth it to be in the closet for the sake of having children. Though today there are many options for gay couples looking to have children, these technologies were not commonplace twenty or thirty years ago.
For many gay Gen X or baby boomers, their parental duties overshadow their decision to come out for fear of negatively impacting their children. My own personal experience found that as long as I gave my children love and support through my divorce and coming out, I was able to make the situation work.
3. You attempt to relive the youth you never had.
One of the first things that happens for a late bloomer is this sense of needing to make up for lost time. As we all know, it's not really possible to do that, but newly out adults tend to act like the immature teen they never got to be when they were younger.
Even if you're the most levelheaded and mature adult you know, after you first come out, you will probably act like a kid in a candy store, drooling over all the selections available to you in the gay dating buffet line. Just remember: the kid in the candy store often ends up with a stomachache, and the same rule applies here. Over-the-top sexual and dating conquests do not necessarily lead to a healthy gay lifestyle.
4. Your family may not accept you.
Granted, anyone who comes out of the closet yearns for family acceptance. Those coming out in their 30s and beyond often find it difficult for family members to transition past the perceived reality of who they thought their child, brother or sister was. This can either be a positive or negative experience depending on the family dynamics.
If the family believes the gay person is doing the right thing, the experience is positive. On the other hand, families often feel insulted that the gay person has been deceiving them this whole time. Of course, those who feel that way usually prefer the gay person to go back into the closet. People like that are more concerned with themselves than with their family member.
5. You and your in-laws may not see eye to eye.
Most millennials coming out of the closet aren't yet at the marrying age. On the other hand, those in their 30s and above may have in-laws and extended families to contend with when coming out.
Not unlike a typical divorce scenario, the in-laws are either going to be doing the "good riddance" happy dance or they're going to be struggling to be civil — especially when there are grandchildren involved. If they didn't like you before, rest assured, they sure as heck aren't going to like you now.
6. You are forced to face your truth.
I believe you're only as old as you feel. However, that doesn't mean I walk around in muscle shirts two sizes too small for me trying to hold onto my youth. Those who are late to come out often feel like they are too old for the gay scene or are not in good enough shape.
One of two things usually happens when this occurs: You either feel that you're not good enough and settle for less than you deserve, or you go into overdrive trying to be the most "ideal" gay man you can be. Of course, the healthiest road to take is to just be yourself and realize there are thousands of others just like you who are trying to find their way in the gay community.
7. You carry around too much baggage.
Just like any other divorced person, if you come into the gay world with an ex-spouse and kids, you may be perceived as someone who is dragging around too much baggage. At first, it probably will hurt to hear that, until you realize that you are looking for someone who wants to be serious with you and may have some baggage of his own.
8. You question if you'll ever be truly ready to get rid of your training wheels.
Admittedly, it does suck to start over later in life. It almost seems like you are riding a tricycle when everyone else has graduated to a two-wheeler. How embarrassing.
The truth is, even if you had come out 10, 20, 30 or even 40 years ago, you'd still be using training wheels, because there weren't any gay role models or gay organizations (for the most part) to help you know what to do on your way out of the closet. And forget enlisting Mom and Dad to teach you about the gay birds and bees!
9. You fear you'll never find love.
I'm not sure if this is an age thing or a comfort thing. For whatever reason, late bloomers tend to seek out monogamous relationships. No harm in that, except for when it prevents you from getting onto a relationship at all.
Too often, the urge to get connected and settle down prevents you from hunting until you find the person who is right for you. While monogamy and commitment may be great intentions, late bloomers forget to play the field in order to really discover who they are really attracted to.
Comedian Tom Glass says it best: "Everyone comes out at exactly the same time... when they're ready." I completely agree and am testimony to this belief. I first realized I was gay when I was 19 — right at the start of the AIDS epidemic. If I had come out then, I would have done it as a rebellious, uninformed, young gay man who was acting out just to spite my parents.
While I didn't stay closeted because of the AIDs scare, I did allow myself to give heterosexual living a try for all the wrong reasons: out of fear and to please others. Even though that didn't work either, I was blessed with 13 years of being in a relationship with a wonderful woman, two daughters that make my life worth living, and enough emotional maturity to make me comfortable in my skin.
Even though I was a late bloomer, I found myself and learned it's never too late for anything.
Rick Clemons is a Certified Professional Coach. Sign-up for his free video series "Coming Out Without Coming Unglued!" or connect with him through his Coming Out & Life Coaching Newsletter. Want to chat with Rick? Schedule a complimentary session.