Think Swinging Will Save Your Marriage? Think Again

Can swinging cure your relationship woes? Sadly, no. Many couples make the mistake of seeking a quick fix for their sex life by trying out swinging. Will sex with other people bring you closer? Not if you are already struggling.  

But first, what is swinging? Swinging communities organize around couples having recreational sex with one another. The swinger's lifestyle treats sex a bit like a hobby, pursuing the pleasure of casual sex while in one primary relationship.

Polyamory is a different kind of non-monogamy. In a polyamorous relationship, lovers seek multiple meaningful relationships at once. Swinging is more focused on no-strings attached sex, often at parties or weekend retreats where dozens or hundreds of couples gather for sex-fueled fun.

Usually (but not exclusively), the male partner proposes swinging as a way of rekindling desire in a sexless marriage. Couples who are bored with one another or feel alienated wonder if swinging is a way to have more fun and have more sex.

Whether or not swinging can be a fun hobby for you is a highly personal choice. Many swingers have happy, healthy marriages that thrive over years and decades. What we know for sure is that swinging cannot fix a broken relationship.

It is not swinging itself that can jeopardize a relationship; it is using swinging to distract you from improving your own relationship. It is a little like eating out at a restaurant to avoid going grocery shopping. You can enjoy your meal out, but when you get home your refrigerator is still empty.

Ultimately, intimacy is about paying attention to one another. Many couples who are struggling in their relationship report feeling undesirable, unappreciated and ignored. Swinging means turning your time and attention to other people. If your lover's attention is already feeling scarce, swinging will feel like a real violation.

It is hard to watch your husband lavishing attention and flirting with other women if you have felt ignored for years. Equally, it can be painful for a man to watch his wife enjoy sex with other men if she has been non-responsive to his own advances.

If you are in a happy, healthy relationship, communicate well and have a happy sex life, you can choose to pursue swinging as a way of seeking novelty and adventure. But it will only make you happier if you are already content with your relationship.

Swinging tends to amplify what is already going on. If you are happy, it can add excitement. If you are distant or having marital issues, swinging will only drive you further apart.

So if swinging isn't the solution to a sexless marriage, what is? If you want to save your marriage and restore intimacy, you need to focus on slowly reconnecting and reigniting your desire for one another. With the commitment to focus your time and energy on one another, rather than seek distraction by having sex with other people, you can rebuild your sex life and reinvest in a happy, hot relationship.

If you aren't in a sexless marriage but are just bored and feel like you are stuck in a rut, you must find ways to seek novelty together without relying on sex with other people as the seemingly easy fix. Studies show that traveling together is one of the most effective ways of creating the hormonal rush of novelty. Being in a new place together, having new adventures and experiencing new thrills will create the excitement of newness while bringing you closer together.

The rush of novelty can help you pay more attention to one another as well — thrills in the world can lead to thrills in the bedroom. You can also seek novelty by learning new skills together. Ballroom dance lessons anyone?

If you enjoy your sex life but want something more, you don’t need to have sex with other people to expand your erotic horizons. You can choose to become more daring and vulnerable with one another.

• Want to share profound sensual pleasures? Learn how to give one another a full body massage.
• Ready to experience something new and intense? Explore erotic spanking or bondage.
• Want to have sex with someone new? Consider learning how to have a threesome. Threesomes, unlike swinging, are a shared sexual experience (but also rely on a solid relationship as a foundation).

There is no limit to how much pleasure you can share with your lover. You may feel bored now, but you can choose to reinvest in your relationship and move forward together with the shared goal of a passionate and happy marriage.

When we hear from couples who want to use swinging as a quick fix, we encourage them to instead focus on creating the kind of long term relationship they really want. If you want to have a fulfilling, exciting and joyful sex life, you must take the time to discover what you want and then learn to ask for it.

The process of getting vulnerable and more intimate with your partner may seem daunting at first, but ultimately it will bring you closer and strengthen your relationship. So if you are ready for a happier, more exciting sex life, turn inward first. The excitement you've been seeking is waiting to be unleashed.