Am I Gay? Hey Straight Men, Be Honest: You're Gay! (Or Bisexual)
Accept who you are and what you have done.
getty First, let me say, by no means am I the pot calling the kettle black. After all, I was once one of those "not gay" straight guys who enjoyed having ("seriously, I'm not gay") gay sex with other "not gay" straight guys (as well as a few fully "out" gay guys). I was one of those straight men having gay sex, but claiming I wasn't gay, and repeatedly asking myself "am I gay?"
You see, there's a hidden epidemic (well, actually two) raging in our society, mostly with men, but to some degree, with women as well.
First, there's a rash of closeted affairs happening, which is probably no great surprise to anyone given modern day divorce fees. Second, there's a higher than expected amount of male-to-male (M2M) affairs happening, and gay men and straight-but-I'm-not-gay men are all ignoring the ramifications of pretending it's not happening.
I'm not here to ruffle the proverbial feathers by saying what two consenting adults do behind closed doors isn't entirely their business. However, what I'm noticing as I work with gay men, and men coming out of the closet late in life, is that there's a shortage of commitment, honesty and authenticity.
Let's start with commitment. This is a double-edged sword that cuts both ways. When a gay guy knowingly hooks up with a "straight guy," which of them is avoiding commitment? Actually, both men.
The straight guy who's in a relationship with a woman is avoiding his commitment to the relationship. We all get that, and call it infidelity or cheating. On the other hand, the gay guy who is romping between the sheets with oh-so-fine-straight guys is avoiding commitment as well. Think about it: When gay guys date or hook up with married men, there's almost no potential for it to lead to anything serious.
Now let's chat about the "H" word: honesty. We've already addressed the infidelity issue, which holds hands nicely with honesty, but what about being honest with yourself? For the guy who's playing straight but sure likes to jump in bed with other men, there's not a lot of room for being honest with himself about his true sexual attractions or orientation.
Of course, let's place blame where blame is due. Being gay is not cool, especially if you're a man, so once again, society plays the Ace card and contributes to more men staying in the closet and having secret and dishonest man-on-man encounters.
And alas, for the gay man who's hooking up with these straight guys, the question becomes, "Are you being honest with yourself and really enjoying these encounters, other than for the 3.5 minutes that they last?" A healthy and honest relationship with yourself will do wonders to relieve the stress that — consciously or unconsciously — is wreaking havoc on your self-esteem, self-love, and sense of guilt and shame.
Finally, we come to one of the biggest hot button words of the day: authenticity. I get it. This word gets thrown around more than trash on the streets of New York. If you're going to hook up gay man-to-straight man and vice versa, for crying out loud, do it from an authentic space.
I know the concept of authentic hooking up sounds a little crazy, but it's really not. If this is your way of getting your rocks off, then admit it to yourself.
The more you try to hide this truth from yourself, the more layers there are to the masks you hide behind, and the less likely you align with your core values and beliefs.
If you admit, from an authentic place, that you're one of the straight men having gay sex with men, and liking it, and this type of behavior aligns with who you are at your core, then why feel ashamed and why hide it? Could it be the wife and kids? Or maybe you're hiding the truth about why you never date any gay guys, because you're addicted to straight men.
What I've witnessed, speaking from personal and professional experience, is these scenarios are more of a lose/lose and "screw you too" tragic ending.
Just take a gander through your local Craigslist personals, "Men Seeking Men," and count the number of times you find the words "on the down low." Or better yet, check out Dr. Seth Stephens-Davidowitz's study in The New York Times that shows that a large percentage of gay men are in the closet, and then tell me what I'm saying is crazy.
Now, straight men, before you decide to call me traitor, I've written this for the greater good of all concerned. I'm tired of seeing anyone having to pretend they're something they're not, gay or straight.
Living a life bound by the shackles of dishonesty, lack of commitment and false behaviors is not living; it's dying a slow, miserable death, feeling you're not good enough. Yes, holding that guy in your arms, if even for a moment, feels good. But nothing compares to living a life of integrity and truth.
It's time for our planet to embrace diversity and accept people for who they are. And the old adage will still hold true: what two people do in the privacy of their own home, behind their closed bedroom doors is their business, and theirs alone.
Rick Clemons is a Certified Professional Coach. Sign-up for his free video series "Coming Out Without Coming Unglued!" or connect with him through his Coming Out & Life Coaching Newsletter.