Have Trust Issues? It's Not Him... It Might Be You
Have you considered improving yourself first?
getty Trust issues start with trusting yourself, before you can trust someone else. One day, someone screwed up, gave someone else reason to distrust, and from that seed blossomed "trust issues." Around the globe, in bedrooms, boardrooms, and even on playgrounds, we've become a society built on trust issues.
To trust someone, without having trust issues, is to trust ourselves enough to be ourselves. You mean I have to be totally transparent, say what's on my mind, ask for what I desire, and that will eliminate trust issues in my relationship? Yes!
It all starts with you, quickly followed by how you choose to respond to those little annoying possibilities that your partner throws at you — consciously or unconsciously — that leads you to believe they can or can't be trusted. See, it's all about you and your trust issues, in the same manner it's all about your partner and their trust issues.
That being said, how do you resolve trust issues when they arise? Is there specific relationship advice that can help us overcome feeling this way?
I'd love to say, "Take a cue from my side of the fence, gay men," but, unfortunately, we don't handle trust issues any better than the rest of the population. But in our defense, and defense of gays and lesbians everywhere, we've been conditioned not to trust.
From the first moment we swished a little too much when we walked, or got caught playing with GI Joe in the mud, while sill wearing our Mary Janes and Sunday dress, we've learned to keep our defenses up and not to trust anyone who might find out our secret. But we all have trust issues, and if you say you don't, I don't trust you.
Iin reality, if you're having issues trusting, you may be wondering how you can get over that hurdle. And these five tips will help you become more trusting in your life.
1. Trust yourself.
I know it's already be said, but this is truly the starting point of getting past trust issues. In somewhat similar words of Ru Paul, “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Preach!
2. Define what trust means, for you and your partner.
Men aren't mind readers, and if you claim to be, why are you having trust issues? If you can read minds, there's no reason to have trust issues, because you already know what your partner is thinking.
For the rest of us, ask and ye shall receive. Talk about trust and what would break or make trust issues arise in your relationship.
3. Take a look in the mirror.
Trust issues arise because what you see in someone else as an issue of trust is directly reflecting something you don't want to see in yourself. It could be that you think your partner is cheating, and even if you're not cheating, you may be considering it, or even emotionally cheating with someone.
You may not even realize it's causing wicked scripts of "Cheater is as cheater does" to play out in the fabulous stage play that is your real life. Look at yourself and ask, “What’s really going on with my trust issues?” It may shock you, but it could stop you from being a crazy maker.
4. Have an open relationships.
Did I just advocate having an open relationship? Yes, I did. An "open, let's communicate, be transparent and quit hiding that we each have trust issues, admit our stuff" relationship.
No, this doesn't mean you have to have different lovers, although if that makes the trust issues scamper away, more power to you. But what I'm really saying is being open and vulnerable so trust issues become dead issues, rather than a dead relationship.
5. Put trust in.
If you put trust in, you will back it back. One of the hardest parts about trust, and getting past trust issues, is to freely give trust. However, when it is seen as a gift that keeps on giving, then it's easier to watch trust issues retreat.
The moment you take trust, without giving back in return, you've abused the right to be trusted. And who wants to be abused?
Regardless of the circumstances, and irrespective of your sexual orientation, trust issues are trust issues. Whether it starts with a little white lie, or explodes from the bomb shell of infidelity, trust is trust.
Personally, once that little tongue twister got resolved, I realized, because I trusted myself, it was easier to address trust issues head-on in all my relationships. Now that I've resolved my issues, I’m the perfect partner, the perfect father, the perfect ex-husband, and the perfect life coach. Not!
However, what I did discover was it became easier to admit when I was having trust issues, talk through them, and be open to hearing when others didn't trust me. The lesson learned? Trust issues kill the beauty of trusting you can have a happy life. Now get out there and start trusting.
Rick Clemons is a certified professional coach, speaker, author and podcaster who inspires corporations, entrepreneurs, college and university students, and individuals to make their bold moves.