The 3 Old-Fashioned Rules That Matter Most When Raising Grateful Children, According To Research
A lot has changed when it comes to parenting, but some classic lessons are timeless.
Milan Radulovic's Images | Canva Every year, I hear similar stories from parents, "How come my children are ungrateful little brats?" From years of working with parents, I've realized parents seem to expect their children to be born grateful.
They expect kids to innately have the ability to say, "Parents, I want to take this moment to tell you just how grateful I am for all of your hard work, for the roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back and the gifts I'm about to receive. Since I am filled with such gratitude, I would like to take the rest of my life to thank you appropriately. Let me start by cleaning my room, being nice to my sibling, and taking out the garbage without being reminded."
Children are normally a bit narcissistic and self-centered. I'm sure you were as a child and now you've grown into a gratitude dispensing machine and expect the same from your child. Yet, gratitude is not a given, it's developed and grown with love, kindness, and guidance.
Here are 3 parenting tools that matter most when raising grateful children:
1. It's OK for children to want things they don't get
This doesn't mean you should give them everything they want. Don't. Yet there is no harm in allowing them to express what they want and for you to acknowledge their desires without giving the "What do you think money grows on trees?" or "Why can't you be grateful for what you have?" speeches.
Ask why they want something, but ask them with curiosity, not condescension. Have discussions (not lectures) with your children about your wants and what they mean to you. An example might be sharing that you want a new car that is better on gas and safer than the one you currently have.
Explain how cars are expensive and parents work hard to own them. Let them know when you feel blessed for all you have both materially and emotionally.
2. 'Please' and 'thank you' are non-negotiable
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Instead of demanding your child express gratitude similar to the example above, ask your child to always use the words 'please' and 'thank you'. These are the beginning steps of gratitude.
Always saying thank you for things that are given to us, such as food placed in front of us, workers who help us, etc. 'Thank you' should be said to teachers and coaches in your children's lives.
When my daughter participated in competitive dance, after each class it was required for the girls to wait in line and thank their teacher. It was a simple, yet powerful, gesture of looking someone in the eye and expressing simple words of gratitude, as supported by a commentary in School Psychology Review.
3. Gratitude is for everyone
Research in Child Development Perspectives suggests modeling gratitude for your children every chance you get. I once taught a parenting class to low-income parents. The parent's constant expression of gratitude for the smallest of gifts was a lesson in finding gratitude whenever we can, even when times are tough.
Tell your children how grateful you are for them, for your partner, parents, health, roof over your head, food on your table, a job, an education, etc.? Do it as often as you can. Gratitude is contagious and imitated, you are your child's role model for this wonderful expression of happiness.
Grateful children aren't an oxymoron, yet they are made rather than born. Stay patient when they are a bit more greedy than grateful, and know love and compassion will help your children grow up to be grateful, kind, and giving.
Lisa Kaplin is a psychologist, certified professional life and executive coach, and a highly experienced corporate speaker. She helps people overcome stress and overwhelm to find joy in their personal lives and success and meaning in their professional lives.