10 Ways To Beautifully Support Your Spouse Through A Mental Illness
What you need to know to be the best support system.
Boris Jovanovic | Canva When you're dealing with having a spouse with a mental illness, things can feel overwhelming. You love this person, but you don't want to say the wrong thing, and at the same time your partner may not want to burden you with their problems, which can lead to miscommunication. But here are a few things to keep in mind that can help them and keep your marriage healthy.
Here are 10 ways to beautifully support your spouse through a mental illness:
1. Understand that it's not their fault
This may be difficult to remember when your spouse is acting sad, angry, anxious, or generally unpleasant. Keep in mind that your spouse doesn't like how he or she is feeling or acting any better than you do. Remember you are dealing with the symptoms of an illness. The symptoms are as real of a medical condition as diabetes or high blood pressure and aren't simply the result of negative thoughts or a bad attitude.
2. Show them love, affection, and respect (even when they seem unlovable)
They are not their illness. While it's important to remember that they have a mental illness, it's also important to separate your spouse from their illness. It is very natural to want to emotionally disconnect and safeguard yourself when your spouse is showing signs of depression, anger, or anxiety and exhibiting behavior that seems foreign from the person you know them to be. But remember that underneath all of those unpleasant symptoms is the person you married — who needs you to draw close to them during their time of suffering.
3. Remember that a depressed person feels like they're in a dark hole
It does them no good for you to jump in the hole with them. Don't let the person with the mental illness paint your reality. You can support your spouse by staying grounded in the reality outside of the hole. Understand that the illness has tainted their perception, so don't let their emotions dictate yours. Find an outlet so that you don't become discouraged, overwhelmed, lost, or jump into your own dark hole.
4. It's not personal — it's an illness
This will be hard to remember when having a spouse with mental illness, especially when your spouse takes his or her feelings and behavior out on you. But remind yourself that the mood and behavior are symptoms of the illness. It's NOT personal. At the same time, set your boundaries and gently let your spouse know when they've crossed the line and hurt your feelings. You can be supportive without being a doormat.
5. Know your spouse's limitations
Living with mental illness can be frustrating and discouraging. Don't worsen the situation by unintentionally setting your spouse up for failure by expecting them to do things that they aren't capable of doing. Know and accept their limitations.
6. Give yourself the freedom to get emotional about the challenges
Having a spouse with mental illness isn't easy. A great deal of emotional energy is often allotted to the person with the mental illness naturally causing you to put your own emotions on hold. Find a friend or a professional with whom you can talk when you begin to feel sad, angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Staying emotionally healthy will enable you to be a better support to your spouse.
7. Communicate openly
Encourage your spouse to talk about his or her feelings. In the midst of a depressive episode, anxiety, or a bipolar state, your spouse may not have the best self-insight. However, if the two of you can learn to communicate during the difficult times and express your emotions, you can each find a bit of peace.
8. Give your spouse the freedom to share when they are having a hard time
Support your spouse by learning to listen without judging or trying to fix the problem. Your spouse may feel like it's necessary to try and hide feelings of depression or anxiety for fear of being judged or disappointing you. Communication and good listening skills are key to taking the shame and embarrassment out of the mental illness.
9. Educate yourself about their illness
Educating yourself about the illness is absolutely essential in supporting your spouse. Mental illness affects every aspect of life. The more you know, the more supportive and compassionate you will be toward your spouse.
10. Be willing to dish out tough love
In the midst of deep depression or a manic episode, your spouse may not know when it's necessary to seek help. By the nature of the illness, your spouse or partner may not be the best judge of their current mental state. You may need to seek medical help on your spouse's behalf. Prepare yourself to hold them accountable to take their medication and manage their illness. Together, you can work through this issue and become stronger — both individually AND as a union.
If you or somebody that you know is experiencing a mental health crisis, there is a way to get help. Call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or text "HELLO" to 741741 to be connected with the Crisis Text Line.
Leslie Capehart holds a Master's and a Ph.D. in counseling psychology and has been licensed as a mental health or professional counselor (LMHC) since 1994. She has worked in both clinical and private practice settings in addition to working as an associate professor for Indiana University (Indianapolis) in both their undergraduate and graduate counseling and psychology programs.