Why You Judge Your Partner & How To Stop It
Your partner is your mirror. You judge things about him that you see in yourself.
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them." — Mother Teresa
"Negative judgments about others are unnecessary. We are all on our own journey and have our own lessons to learn." — Janet Ong Zimmerman
In the early stages of a relationship, it's easy to "fall in love" with your partner because he behaves and acts in ways that please you. He's most likely on his best behavior and showing his good side. As your relationship progresses though, you'll experience his other sides: quirky traits, behaviors, and actions that you wish were different. What was once endearing can become annoying or frustrating, which may lead to judgmental thoughts.
Why We Judge Our Partners
Judging your partner negatively doesn't mean you're consciously trying to find fault with him. It just means you're being human. As a human being, you're hard-wired to judge others who you perceive to be different from you. So when your partner behaves differently from you, your judgmental nature may surface in many unsuspecting ways. Maybe you compare your husband or boyfriend unfavorably to other men, thinking you know better than him, trying to change him and not accepting him for who he is.
When you find yourself unintentionally judging your partner, you may notice that you don't feel as close or connected to him as you would like. This is because judging creates separation. The lesson here is to be aware of unsuspecting ways you're judging so that you judge less and are more accepting, compassionate and loving.
5 Ways To Stop Judging Our Partners
1. Realize everyone is doing their best.
I believe that everyone is doing their best based on their life experiences and where they are in their life's journey. Most people would not consciously choose to do their worst. Even though it may not appear to be so, your partner is doing his best. Adopting this mindset will help open up the space in your mind to accept him.
2. Project less; reflect more.
A reason we get so triggered by our partners' negative behaviors and actions is because what we judge in others is also in us. Your partner is your mirror. When you become negatively triggered by something he says or does, you're projecting these same aspects of yourself onto him. When you find yourself being judgmental, notice where these aspects about yourself as well. Then reflect on how you can resolve them within you so that the next time he behaves or acts in these ways, you aren't triggered.
3. Look for the grains of truth.
When we're busy judging our partners, we're not able to see the truth in what they're saying. Here's an experiment to try. When you find yourself disagreeing with and judging what your partner says, take a deep breath to become present in the moment and look for the truth in what he's saying. This will help you realize that you simply see things differently and that no one has to be right or wrong. It also opens up your mind to other ways of looking at things.
4. Mind your own life.
When you think you know better and are trying to get your partner to change, consider that you may be interfering with his specific path in life and the lessons he needs to learn. Sometimes, focusing on your partner may be a way of not having to look at yourself. Pay attention to your own life instead of minding his. Focus on the lessons you need to learn and the changes you can make within to improve yourself. In the process, you might find that your changes inspire him to change himself.
5. Focus on your partner's positive qualities.
What we focus on is what we get. When much of your focus is on your partner's less-than-desirable traits, these traits will magnify. Remember the reasons you fell in love with your partner. Look for and focus on his wonderful traits, positive qualities and loving ways.
Consistently practicing these five ways to stop judging will increase your capacity for acceptance and compassion, thereby shifting you from judging to loving. While practicing them, you may at times feel bad for judging your partner. Notice that you are judging yourself negatively during these times. Remember that you're just being human, so be kind to yourself. As judgmental thoughts about your partner decrease, you'll feel more connected to him and to yourself. Which of these five ways will help you judge less so that you can love more?
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