There Is Nothing Sexy About Presenting Yourself As A "Nice Guy"

Many times, friends of mine will ask me, "Alan, what is the primary target demographic of your books?"  My general response is always "any and all single heterosexual men."  If pressed further, I will usually say men who fall into the category of the "frustrated nice guy."

In November 2010, I was a featured speaker for a men's conference known as The Direct Dating Summit for Men UK (DDS-UK).  The weekend conference, which has also been held in Las Vegas and Melbourne, is designed to help single men improve their interpersonal communication skills with women, and absorb advice, knowledge and wisdom related to approaching women with a higher degree of confidence, and creating a higher degree romantic and/or sexual chemistry with women of interest.

One question I asked all of the men seated in the auditorium at the London venue was, "How many of you would consider yourself a 'nice guy'?"  No less than 95% of the men in attendance raised their hand.  Then, after a dramatic pause, I simply asked, "And just how is that working out for you?"

The auditorium was silent for a good two or three minute stretch.

All of the men collectively realized that if being a "nice guy" was all that it was cracked up to be none of them would have been in attendance at this particular conference.  I would argue that attempting to present yourself to women as a "nice guy" is the absolute most overrated objective you can ever have in regard to your love life, sex life, and overall social life.

The Latin root term for "nice" is nescius.  Did you know that the term nescius means to be "unaware, ignorant, and foolish?"  When a woman says to you, "Brian, you are such a nice guy!" she is actually saying, "Brian, you are such an ignorant fool!"

Real quick:  Think of a man you know who is generally regarded as a "ladies' man," a womanizer, a "heartthrob," or a serial monogamist.  What percentage of those men who came to the forefront of your mind would you refer to as "nice?"  My prediction would be very few, if any.

When a woman meets a man who provokes strong romantic feelings in her or a strong sexual attraction, she rarely refers to that man as "nice."  Handsome?  Yes.  Charming?  Most definitely.  Sexy?  Without question.  Intriguing?  More than likely.  Irresistible?  Probably.  Nice?  Hardly.

In women's "code language," the term "nice" is primarily used to describe men whose personalities and overall behavior is pleasant and entertaining enough to make them appealing as an indefinite platonic social companion, but not quite appealing enough to make them boyfriend material, husband material, or friends-with-benefits / casual sex lover material.

When a man aspires to be perceived as a "nice guy," what he is really doing is trying to avoid being harshly criticized by women, insulted by women, and generally avoid any type of controversy or heated confrontations with women.  This man excels at being overly accommodating with women, lenient with women, and even financially generous with women.  This man is a master at keeping women feeling flattered, at ease, and entertained.

No woman wants to "jump the bones" of a perpetual nice guy.  It just doesn't happen.  Now, some men tend to confuse being a "good guy" with being a "nice guy."  Those two terms are not synonymous.

A "good guy" is a man who is honest with his words, desires, interests, and intentions.  A man who says what he means and means what he says.  A man whose moral character and integrity is beyond reproach.  You can be a "good guy" and be sexy in the eyes of most women.

On the other hand, to be a "nice guy" has connotations of being dishonest, disingenuous, and even cowardly.  A nice guy maintains a social façade that he rarely wants to be identified or exposed.

Here are at least five tips for single men who want to prevent themselves from becoming a "frustrated nice guy" (which is simply the precursor to becoming a misogynist):

1)  Quit fawning over women and excessively flattering women for no valid reason

Comment:  Women love compliments, but when you express too many of them in a relatively short period of time, it makes you look like you want to be in that woman's "personal fan club" rather than be a potential romantic or sexual companion of hers.  Tell a woman she is beautiful and sexy once makes you seem charming; tell a woman she is beautiful and sexy five or more times in less than two hours, and you begin to look desperate and creepy.

2)  Quit allowing yourself to become a "play brother" or "male girlfriend" to a number of women

Comment:  Many men complain about women placing them in the dreaded "friend zone," but more often than not, it is the men themselves who open the door for women to place them in this category.  Stop engaging in multiple episodes of trivial, lighthearted "small talk" and gossip with women.  The more you solidify yourself as a woman's "play brother," the less likely you are to ever end up in bed with that woman or in a long lasting romantic relationship with that woman.

3)  Quit trying to be every woman's "Personal Entertainer" or "Mr. Funny Man"

Comment:  I always tell male clients of mine that it is okay to have a sense of humor, and to be witty.  Let it stop there though.  Many men make the mistake of trying to become a woman's personal "stand-up comic" whose personal responsibility is to keep that woman laughing on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis.  Even movie star Eddie Murphy once said, "It is hard to be perceived as both extremely funny and extremely sexy in the eyes of a woman at the exact same moment in time."

4)  Quit being afraid to let women know that you want to get in their pants

Comment:  Would you ever visit a restaurant and "pretend" like you are not hungry?  Would you ever enter into a doctor's office and "pretend" like you are not experiencing any sort of pain or discomfort?  Then why would you share the company of a desirable woman, and try to "pretend" like the thought of having sex with her is nowhere in your mind?  This is the absolute dumbest thing men are guilty of doing very, very frequently.  If you want to have sex with a woman ... let her know that.   (Here is a little secret fellas:  nine times out of ten, she already assumes that you want to have sex with her anyway ... so you might as well go ahead and confirm her very valid assumption)

5)  Quit looking at all harsh criticisms and insults from women as a "bad" thing

Comment:  Did a woman recently refer to you as a "jerk?"  Feel good about that! (seriously).  There are some criticisms that are expressed by women that are really "indirect compliments in disguise."  When you exhibit behavior that is challenging and/or frustrating to a woman's [spoiled] ego, nine times out of ten, she is going to start calling you names.  So what!  Let her.  Just about every woman who I have been in a relationship with or had sex with has criticized various aspects of my behavior from time to time.  On the flip side, the vast majority of women who had nothing but compliments of my behavior were typically the women who I never engaged in anything beyond a platonic friendship with.

Aspire to be perceived as charming, sexy, witty, articulate, thoughtful, honest, and provocative.

But "nice?"  Uhm . . . . . no.  Only if you want to take up an indefinite residence in a woman's "friend zone."