Your 5-Step Guide To Becoming More Than Just A Friend With Benefits
It's tricky to turn something casual into something more, but not impossible.
Dean Drobot | Canva The “friends with benefits” (or FWB) relationship is a hot-button issue for many women, so understandably most women hold a preconceived notion of what it is and speak against it. Many think FWB is just a booty call arrangement and it's all about intimacy that doesn't benefit women in the slightest. Men, on the other hand, are the ones who benefit the most from this arrangement. Is that so? That very much depends. Not every woman wants a relationship and not every woman wants a relationship with the guy(s) she sleeps or has slept with, just like not every guy does! Shocking, isn't it?
What usually follows are the arguments perpetuated by the "Oxytocin Myth" that women will willy-nilly fall in love or bond with every guy they are intimate with because of Oxytocin, the "cuddle" hormone released by men and women during intimacy and when they climax and any kind of physical closeness such as cuddling, kissing and hugging. Oxytocin indeed bonds women to their partners, but ... here's the catch: that doesn't mean every woman will act like a psycho and can't control how deep their feelings are for the guys. We still have control over our own emotions. We still have the freedom to choose our response. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
To some, this arrangement is a perfect way to prepare themselves for a real relationship when they are ready. It is a great way to practice relationship skills and is healing to those who have just been out of a long-term relationship or marriage. Perhaps you’re reading this because you are in such a predicament… correct? You want to know if you have a chance to turn this arrangement into something more serious and permanent. My stance is yes ... yes ... yes! It's a limiting belief to think that a relationship can only happen a certain way. No one form of relationship is superior to the others. It's all about what feels right or not right at any given moment. If you feel you are falling fast for your FWB and want more, here are a few guidelines to follow.
Here is your 5-step guide to becoming more than just a friend with benefits:
1. You can always change your mind
If this arrangement doesn't serve you anymore — the costs exceed the benefits — you know where the door is, right? Never agree to something you are not comfortable with.
2. Wean yourself off of him
Of course, it's not that easy to leave because you are hormonally and emotionally attached to him now, so what you need to do is to start weaning yourself off him by seeing him less and seeing others more. I don't recommend talking to him about wanting to be serious if he hasn't initiated the conversation himself because the likelihood is he hasn't changed his mind about not wanting a relationship. A man who knows what he wants will go and get it. If he hasn't moved the relationship forward, it's because nothing has changed since your agreement. Getting more focused on you will get him to notice and do something about it if he's so inclined.
3. Don't be more invested than he is
Avoid being a one-down, i.e. a party of the "coupledom" who is more invested and more into the other. The more you are ridden with one-down anxiety, the more you feel vulnerable, helpless, hopeless, and desperate. That will translate into your vibe and behaviors and it's a repellent to most guys. The secret of stability and longevity of every relationship is when no one is ahead of the other. When you "let yourself go" and start pining, you lose your power and simultaneously his attraction for you.
4. Induce some anxiety in him
Based on point 3 above, if you can induce some anxiety into him and make him want to put more effort into wooing you, the more he will see you as a high-value woman. And since anxiety and uncertainty are an inherent part of romance, the vulnerable feeling he might lose you could trigger him into action. He needs to yearn for you to fall in love.
5. Work on yourself
Work on yourself to become a secure, self-sufficient, and independent feminine woman. You are soft on the outside but steely strong on the inside. You are full within yourself and you don't need a man to complete you. I repeat: you don't need him. There is a reason why a lot of women pine for guys who don't reciprocate their love and who are not in their lives: it's because they need them.
There is a place for vulnerability in a relationship, but in general, you are far more desirable when you don't need him or any man. Why? Because when you don't need anyone to be happy, you don't put pressure on or have high expectations of anyone to do anything for you. You become a magnet to men because they know you will be fine one way or another and they are not going to be made responsible for your happiness or lack thereof.
Who wants to be blamed for anyone's suffering? Love yourself more than you love him, he will love you more for that! A secure woman who knows what she wants yet isn't jaded nor desperate and is extremely attractive and desirable. Once you become that woman, commitment is a matter of finding the right match as it will happen organically.
Katarina Phang is a dating and relationship coach and feminine magnetism expert who has worked with and helped thousands of women from all corners of the world transform their relationships.