7 Challenges Couples Face When One Partner Has ADHD — Solved
The non-ADHD partner feels frustrated and ignored, but it's the partner with ADHD who likely hurts the most.
nd3000 | Canva When working with a couple, I am often faced with the non-ADHD partner waiting for their ADHD spouse to change. The problem is, there is often a lifetime of shame for those with ADHD. Being asked to change makes many of them feel unacceptable and even unlovable to their non-ADHD spouse.
In truth, the ADHD partner will most likely only change when they feel the relationship is built on emotional and psychological safety, trust, and a sense of being loved and accepted.
Although every relationship is unique, there are common problems that occur in relationships where one partner has ADHD and the other does not, which I will list below. After the list, I will share a few key tools to help heal and repair these problems.
Seven common challenges people face when their partner has ADHD
1. It feels like the partner with ADHD isn't listening
If you have ADHD, it may often appear you don't care enough to not listen to what your partner has said. This includes the ADD partner “zoning out” or not remembering what was said after the conversation.
That doesn't mean the partner with ADHD doesn't care, however. Hyperfocus, including on something a person is thinking about, is a common ADHD symptom (and can be a superpower in some situations!).
2. It feels like the partner with ADHD chooses to procrastinate
Procrastinating or having difficulty starting chores or projects is common for people with ADHD. This can be confusing for their partners, as people with ADHD can get started and focus on projects of interest to them.
This often causes the non-ADHD partner to take on the role of “nag” or “parent”, which can drive a couple apart.
3. The partner with ADHD seems unable to complete chores or projects.
As noted above, this can be frustrating for the partner without ADHD who thinks their partner is choosing to finish the chores that matter to the non-ADHD partner.
4. Speaking out without thinking first — on both partners' part.
The person with ADHD may speak out of his/her impulsivity, and the non-ADHD partner may respond without thinking out of pure frustration.
5. High levels of frustration for everyone in the household.
This may apply to both partners but for different reasons. The partner with ADHD often feels frustrated that they aren't understood and blamed, and the other partner likely feels the partner with ADHD isn't trying hard enough.
6. Poor time management on the part of the ADHD partner.
Running late or not being able to determine how much time an activity or task may take are common ADHD symptoms.
Just like procrastination, poor time management can feel like the ADHD partner doesn't care and their partner may accuse them as if they chose it the way a neurotypical person might.
7. Disorganized household spaces cause frustration for both partners.
Being messy around the house can cause the non-ADHD partner to feel their need for a clean space doesn't matter to their partner. But messiness and disorganization are common with people who have ADHD, and aren't intended to be personal affronts.
The non-ADHD partner may get angry with their partner, which often makes the problem worse. Expecting a person with ADHD to organize and tidy the way someone else might is just feeding the cycle of misunderstanding and distance between partners.
Much of the communication, which once was sweet and loving, is no longer reflective of that love. Or even worse, the non-ADHD partner may have left or threatened to leave, which creates more distrust and feelings of “not being acceptable” or enough for their partner.
I often see the ADHD partner retreat and “shut down” from the relationship when this happens. There’s almost a resignation to the idea that “no matter what I do, it will never be enough.” This causes even more barriers to the communication needed for there to be any real effort on the part of the ADHD partner to make any positive changes.
I realize many non-ADHD partners also feel abandoned and unloved as well. Yet, according to the preliminary research done on this by Dr. Arthur Robin and Eleanor Payson, it is the ADHD partner who feels the most abandoned and unloved in these relationships.
Finding solutions for couples dealing with ADHD
A 7-week therapist training course given by Melissa Orlov on the ADHD effects on marriage opened many doors for me. Orlov, who is an expert on this subject and who has written the book The ADHD Effects on Marriage, provided six steps on how to rebuild your relationship and learn how to enjoy the person you fell in love with. This book is a must-read for any couple struggling with the effects of untreated ADHD in their relationship.
According to Orlov, cultivating empathy is the first step to rebuilding the trust any partner with ADHD needs
One exercise that is recommended in the book is for the ADHD partner to write a letter to their spouse explaining what it feels like to have ADHD. The non-ADHD partner is to read the letter without offering suggestions on how to fix it, but rather to ask questions on how to understand their partner's experiences better, thus offering both partners the opportunity to engage in some very important discussions and to learn about the experience of having ADHD without judgment.
If couples who are struggling with ADHD in their relationship want to solve their problems, cultivating an empathic relationship is the best place to focus. Without this understanding, healing is not possible.
Leslie Rouder, LCSW, is a holistic therapist who has been working with women in individual and group counseling sessions for more than two decades. She specializes in working with individuals with Attention Deficit Disorder to help her counseling clients solve their immediate problems and build their inner resources for finding greater meaning and fulfillment.