9 Painfully Honest Reasons Why Good Relationships Don't Last
We create unnecessary conflict in a variety of ways.
Andrii Zastrozhnov | Canva We were perfectly suited for each other, in love, and happy together. We had so many dreams. Our first moments together were full of joy, happiness, and the excitement of being close to someone who loved and understood us. We were so sure we would live “happily ever after.” We never thought we would arrive at a state of miscommunication, misunderstanding, distancing, indifference, competition, and aggressiveness. What happened? How did this happen? What can we do to become as loving as we once were?
Here are 9 painfully honest reasons why good relationships don't last:
1. Lack of education in effective communication
We have not been educated on how to communicate openly and honestly.
2. Poor examples and role models
We learn through imitation. We contain within us much more of our parents’ programming than we are aware of. We have recorded how our parents behaved and communicated (or did not communicate) between themselves, with us, and with others.
We now mechanically repeat this type of communication with our partners, children, and friends. We tend to create problems similar to those that existed in our childhood role models. If our parents were self-suppressing and non-communicative, we tend to do the same. If they were competitive and aggressive we are likely to act similarly. In some cases, out of reaction, we may do the opposite, but this is also programming.
If we are having communication problems with our loved ones, it may be useful to work on transforming our childhood experiences. What we believe to be a problem with our spouse, may be simply a projection of a problem with one of our parents.
3. We do not take responsibility for our reality
Our beliefs create our reality. If we want a new reality, we will need to change our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. It will do no good whatsoever to blame the other for what we are feeling. They will just harden their stance and stay that way. No one likes to be criticized or blamed. Even if down inside we know we are wrong, we do not like to admit it as long as we are being blamed.
4. We expect the other to fulfill our needs and expectations
We believe the other, in some magical way, is going to supply us with what is lacking within us. No one can give us inner security or self-worth if we do not have it. If we want to create a harmonious relationship, we will first need to be in harmony with ourselves, which means developing inner security, strength, self-confidence, and self-acceptance in all situations.
5. Fear of what the others think
We create considerable tension when we want to place limits on or seek to change our loved one’s behavior so we can be accepted by others. When we pressure a loved one to change, not because what he is doing is morally wrong, but because we need society’s approval, they feel we are putting others above him in our heart. We are placing our needs for acceptance or recognition above our love, acceptance, and respect for our loved ones and for how they need and want to function. Perhaps we should ask, “What is more important to me ——this affirmation based on appearances, or maintaining a deep and loving relationship with my partner?”
This is an especially important question for us as parents to ask ourselves concerning our children. Do we want to force our children to fit into a social mold and risk losing our communication link with them, or do we prefer to risk losing social recognition for the sake of maintaining our communication? Remember: we are not talking about sacrificing ethical values, but rather subjective and often quite superficial and material-based social values.
6. Lack of energy
I have seen several relationships fall into disharmony and even separation because one or both of the partners let their energy level fall to a dangerously low level causing them to become a negative element in that relationship. When we do not care for our bodies, minds, and spirits, we begin to function defectively, creating negativity for ourselves and those around us. We have less clarity, less patience, and less understanding of others’ needs and problems.
A person without energy is naturally ego-centered because he needs to take. They are naturally defensive because they feel they need to protect themselves. They don't feel safe. When one person in a relationship is in such a state, problems are created for everyone. When both are in this state, the relationship cannot endure.
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We have an obligation in any relationship, whether it be emotional, professional, or social, to offer others a being with quality. No one likes an emotionally polluted environment full of complaints, criticism, negative thoughts, negative feelings, blaming, fear, hurt, anger, or depression. We would all like to live in an environment flowering with positive emotions of love, joy, laughter, pleasantness, and positive thoughts and feelings.
That requires energy. We can create and maintain a high level of energy by eating properly and practicing exercises, breathing techniques, deep relaxation techniques, and positive thinking daily. We also need to get enough sleep.
7. We carry the past around within us
We do not live in the present. Throughout the years, we have formed a mental image of who the other is and now we see our image and not the person. This image is unfortunately permeated with many misunderstandings and wrong assumptions concerning the other, which we have created, through our inner subjective beliefs and programming.
We distort our perception of reality and the other’s motives. We often think the other is trying to harm us when this is not, in fact, their motive. The other is simply functioning out of ingrained needs and beliefs. They are probably not even aware what they are doing is offensive to us. If the other is aware, they may find it difficult to understand why we are bothered by a certain behavior. The other may also be unhappy that we are creating this hurt within us through their actions because this is not their motive at all.
We tend to hold a running account of how many times the other has hurt or disappointed us, in some way, and when we interact with him or her, we have this “balance sheet” hanging in front of our eyes. Holding on to the hurt of the past prevents an opening to who the other is in the present. This accumulated resentment or feeling of injustice obstructs our clear perception and communication in the present.
We must learn to forgive and approach our loved ones as if for the first time, forgetting whatever they may or may not have done in the past that has hurt us. If we can remember there is a divine law that allows only what is necessary for our evolutionary process to occur, we will realize our partner (or any other person) was only how this experience came to us.
We have been the creators of everything anyone has ever done to us. This may be difficult to swallow, but it is true. Thus, there is no one to forgive except ourselves for creating such a reality for ourselves. Let us forgive ourselves and others and start each day with a “new” relationship with those close to us.
8. We cannot imagine harmony
Many of us cannot imagine a harmonious relationship. This may be because we have experienced negative childhood role models, or perhaps we have lived for so long in a negative relationship (or have had a series of negative relationships) that we cannot imagine ourselves in a positive one.
In such a case, we would benefit from learning to project positive thoughts and images while in deep relaxation. While in the relaxed and concentrated state, we can imagine the person we want to improve our relationship with immersed in light, well, and happy. We can bring to mind five positive qualities we can respect in the other. In this way, we create a positive image of the other person. Then we can imagine ourselves together with each other in a happy, harmonious relationship. We can imagine ourselves communicating in various ways: talking, dancing, loving, walking, working together, etc.
Some of us have difficulty imagining such a positive relationship. In such a case, we should realize that our negative subconscious (or conscious) thought form is a serious obstacle to creating a happy relationship.
In some cases, although it may seem the other is the aggressive one who is doing injustice to us, as long as we are unable to imagine a more positive reality, our negative expectations are as much responsible for what is happening as is their behavior. The solution is to work on changing our image of ourselves and the other, and of how our relationship can be.
9. Inner Conflicts
Inner conflicts often externalize as conflicts with our loved ones. When beliefs, needs, values, or desires conflict within us, we project those conflicts onto those around us, especially those closest to us. We believe they conflict with us, limiting or resisting us when in reality, one part of ourselves is limiting or resisting another. Then, when we harbor feelings of resentment or blame toward the other, they in turn feel abused, as they feel innocent of our accusations.
The other will often take the opposite side in a conflict, not because the other believes so much in that, but more so because we, through our doubt, are sending them subconscious messages that force them to take an opposite stance so we can work this issue out on a conscious level.
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We believe the other is conflicting with us, but the reality is we are conflicting with ourselves through him or her. When we have come to an inner reconciliation between our various conflicting needs and beliefs, we will find that the other will be freed from their temporary antagonistic role and the external conflict will disappear.
For example, we might start a new diet, follow a new path of self-improvement, or exercise a new freedom, behavior, or activity. As long as we doubt or have an inner conflict about making these new changes in our lives, others will resist, criticize, ridicule, and even become aggressive with us. This will last as long as we remain unsure of these changes or our right to make them. It is also prolonged by our need to prove to others we are right by arguing or converting them to our new way. This is a serious mistake that must be avoided. It creates unnecessary conflict.
Robert Elias Najemy founded and directs the Center for Harmonious Living, which serves 3500 members with classes and workshops designed to aid each in the improvement of their body, mind, relationships, and life in general.