What You Must Know If You're Trying To Turn Casual Sex Into A Relationship
Can you really change his feelings? Find out.
Dmytro Voinalovych / shutterstock It doesn't take a scientist to know that the overwhelming majority of women can't have a hot, casual, sexual relationship with a man and not get hooked in. It simply doesn't work.
Without fail, every one of my clients who says that she is just going to have a casual, sexual relationship with a guy until the right one comes along, gets attached and hurt in the end.
For most women, sex is both an emotional and a physical experience, so most eventually wind up having feelings for the guy and hoping that he will fall in love with them.
For most men, sex can be purely physical. I am not saying that men can never connect the physical and the emotional when it comes to sex, but unlike women, they more often can separate the emotional and physical, allowing them to have recreational sex without getting attached.
What further complicates matters is that men and women don't seem to understand each other.
Women get angry with men for remaining emotionless and unattached, and men get angry with women for developing feelings for them when they told the women from the beginning that the relationship wasn't going anywhere.
Many women make the mistake of thinking that just because they can develop feelings for a man over time, a man will eventually develop feelings for them.
In my experience, most men know right away if they have deeper feelings for a particular woman and want more than just sex with her.
My male clients rarely talk about falling slowly in love with a woman.
They know immediately when they are interested in having more than just a sexual relationship with a woman.
Many men have even told me that, if they really like a woman, they don't want to sleep with her right away.
When I was dating my husband, on our third date he said to me, "I really like you and I want to get to know you, and I don't want to rush into anything, including sex."
This was music to my ears.
What should you do if it seems he wants sex but not a relationship?
Let's be clear. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with having casual sex.
But if you participate in it, you need to know that it rarely, if ever, leads to something more meaningful.
Women, you need to tattoo this on your brain. If you engage in casual sex with men, do not expect it to go anywhere.
Men and women are wired differently.
When a man tells you that he doesn't want a relationship, believe him.
Even if he is spending every night cuddling with you, giving you gifts, and making wild, passionate love to you; if he has told you he isn't interested in a relationship, you probably won't ever be anything more than a hookup for him.
Do not spin it into some kind of personal challenge, thinking that you will be the one to reform him.
Do not tell yourself that his actions are showing you that he really cares about you.
Do not think that this is anything more for him than what it really is: Sex for sex's sake.
Lisa Shield is a dating coach with a Masters in Spiritual Psychology and certification as a life and relationship coach through The Coaches Training Institute. For more information on how she can help you, visit her website.