How To Stay Safe When Dealing With An Angry Man
It's so much harder when you love him.
A's Images, Roman Carey, Vlada Karpovich, Yasin Emir Akbaş | Canva What is the solution for dealing with a loved one — a lover, a spouse, or even a child — with anger issues? Most folks in this situation have tried everything from reasoning with the angry person to agreeing with him to settle him down.
Usually, nothing works... except leaving. Even if you aren't ready to leave for good.
You heard me right. As soon as you hear evidence of even low-level anger, exit the topic by changing the subject. Exit the room. Exit the house if need be. Or, in extreme cases, exit the relationship.
You can't talk someone out of their anger
I call it the "one-hand clapping" principle. What happens if one hand tries to clap and the other refuses to join in? No clapping will occur. If, when your partner speaks in an irritated tone, you leave for a few minutes, the conversation, the room, or even the apartment/house will remain quiet, and no fighting will ensue.
The right way to talk to him about his anger
Before your first exit, pick a quiet time when you're both in a good mood to sit down for a heart-to-heart talk. Explain that you can see that you inadvertently have been feeding his anger by staying in conversations with him when he's shown signs of rising irritation.,
Anger-prone people hate to feel that their anger is their fault
Their typical response is, "I'm only mad because of XYZ." Your loved one, therefore, will be more likely to listen to your new plan if you begin by saying that you have played a crucial role in the fighting.
Talking with someone when they're angry rarely leads to more understanding or solutions.
Anger freezes the brain. Logical thinking is unlikely to occur when your computer overheats and subsequently freezes. For example, he is no longer able to process information. Anger also closes off ears. There's no absorption of new data, no matter how potentially helpful it can be.
All that remains open for action when someone is very mad is their mouth, which spews ammunition aimed to prove he's right and you're wrong and is thus likely to hurt you. Why stick around if you're only going to be shot at? Anger makes people very unattractive. Exits enable you to remove yourself from situations that would otherwise corrode your love.
RELATED: Actually, You're Not Angry. What You Feel Is 'Helpless'
Why early exits are the safest way to deal with an angry man
How do early exits prevent angry arguments? First and foremost, there's the one-hand-clapping principle. If you are not there to hear your partner's anger, there won't be any arguments.
In addition, people who get mad think that anger will get them what they want. Your exits may teach your loved one that quiet conversations do this much better. In any case, exits will keep you both safe from the damage anger can cause.
When you explain your exit plan to your partner, don't expect him to like it. He's likely to say, "Don't you turn your back on me!" Fine. If he doesn't like seeing your back, he's welcome to simultaneously turn his back on you as he walks to his pre-arranged, quiet place. Explain also that if he follows you into another room, you will go outside for a walk.
Always have your purse and jacket readily available. If he continues to follow you in such a manner, you will go in your car. Staying away for half an hour will hopefully give both of you time to process and relax. If he's still mad after this, repeat the departure, this time staying away longer.
Your partner may ask, "How will I calm down?" With your new plan, you'll wonder, "Who has the power?"
The angry person has been in control up to this point. But with your exits, you gain the upper hand. You can't control him, but you can control what you do.
One further suggestion: be sure your exit starts with your legs, not your mouth. Talking about whether or not to exit is a mistake. Skip the words, and skip any door slamming. Quietly stand up and leave the room. If you need to say something, say only, "I need to get a drink of water."
Making sure both of you know how to communicate in a relationship is essential. The first step, however, is to end your willingness to listen or argue with him altogether once he's beginning to get mad. The goal is for all your time together to be safe and peaceful.
In an atmosphere of calmness, love thrives.
Dr. Susan Heitler is a clinical psychologist and author. She is a subject matter expert in breaking bad habits and unhealthy behaviors.