She's Doing Threesomes & He's Doing Lonesome

"Adam" recently wrote me with this question: "Should I be tolerant when it comes to a girlfriend hanging out with ex-lovers? They are not people she dated, but people she has slept with. Recently, she blew me off for a “friend” coming into town and I found out the “friend” was someone she had a threesome with. The "friend" was also spending the night at her apartment. She was not upfront or honest about it. She had other recent ex-lovers she wanted to hang out with, too. I broke it off because I’m not cool with it. I said she should give these people up if she wants to be with me or at least make the effort to explain why I should be comfortable with it. Did I do the right thing?" How To Deal When Your Man Wants To Have A Threesome

My answer is for Adam, and for anyone else going through a similar scenario. There are major red flags all over this “relationship.” No, it’s not okay to have threesomes, and it’s not okay to have someone you once had a threesome with spend the night with you while you blow off your boyfriend. It’s not okay, that is, if you want a committed relationship that is built around love and fidelity. Post Valentine's Day—How to Be Happily In Love Next Year

What are your values? What is okay and not okay with you? If you don’t have any sexual boundaries yourself, you can’t expect your partner to have them. But if you do have moral and emotional boundaries about sex, then date someone who shares your values. You are fooling yourself if you think the other person will change. If you are not clear about your own values with regard to sexuality, that's a great reason to get counseling or coaching. Are You Running Away From Love?

One of the biggest myths in our culture that is still doing damage today is this one: “Sex is just sex. It’s about physical pleasure and nothing more. Anyone can engage in sex with another person and it is no more meaningful than eating chocolate ice cream for pleasure.” This is pure hogwash, promoted primarily by the Playboy mentality of sexuality that flourished in the 1960s and is still prevalent. Here’s the reality: Sex is about three things: procreation, connection, and pleasure.

The pleasure part is how we were created so that we would be motivated to procreate. Makes sense, doesn’t it? If it didn’t feel so gosh darn good, and if we didn’t have hormones that create a powerful drive to have sex, our species would have died out long ago. Procreation is the deepest of all the biological drives. Without it, life simply would not flourish on this planet.

The connection part is what is so confusing to some people. We are wired to seek to bond with our sexual partners. That is what guides us to form families, the system inside of which children have the greatest opportunity to flourish. Seeking to have sex without love goes against the emotional, familial, and spiritual impulses that make us uniquely human. 3 Steps To Strengthen Your Love Connection

Yes, the physical, animal self is fully capable of having sex just for pleasure, without attaching deeply. But over time, the "sex without love" person becomes emotionally numb, cut off from the ability to attach and form a lasting commitment. The “pleasure principle” of sexuality, it turns out, isn’t so pleasureable in the long run. I have the case files over a twenty five year career to prove it.

If you want a real relationship, know your sexual boundaries and don’t compromise them. Aim for keeping sex special, to be thoroughly enjoyed in the context of a loving relationship. Avoid the Temptation to Get Sexual Too Soon. Date only those who share your values and sexual boundares. You will be healthier, happier, and on the path to a wonderful lifetime relationship.
 

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