New Mom Upset After 'Toxic' Mother-In-Law Offered To Move In To Help But Will Only Look After Her Newborn & Won't Do Chores
Her mother-in-law thinks she should take all the help she can get but the new mom believes it's only helpful if she can delegate what needs doing!
TikTok The months after a baby is born is a tender and exhausting time for new parents. Life isn’t the same as it used to be. Caring for a newborn is a full-time job, one that doesn’t leave time for anything else, even cooking and cleaning.
One new mom discovered that her mother-in-law’s offer to help wasn’t really helpful, at all.
The mom’s ‘toxic’ mother-in-law wanted to move in but planned only to watch the baby, and not help with household tasks.
Kate reports that “being a first-time mom is the most difficult job I’ve ever had, and the most rewarding.” She documents her life as a new mom on TikTok, sharing her experience of “endless nights.”
“Diapers need to be changed 15 times a day. Baby needs to be breastfed every 1-2 hours. Can’t get quality sleep because you [have] to wake up to breastfeed sometimes every hour at night and stay awake.”
“Why do people not tell you all of this before you have kids?” Kate asked. “I was totally unprepared.”
Kate received an offer of support from her mother-in-law, but she turned it down because it wasn’t the kind of help she needed.
She posted a video to TikTok explaining that her mother-in-law said she was going to move in for two months to help with the baby.
“I don’t think I need help with a baby,” Kate explained. “I breastfeed him 24/7 so he is always next to me. We are good.” Kate said that what she does need help with is “dishes, endless laundry, cleaning showers and mopping floors, cooking dinners,” all activities that moms who are healing from birth have trouble managing on their own.
Kate's mother-in-law responded, “I’m not doing any of that.”
“She said, ‘I can watch the baby while you do all that,’” to which Kate replied, “I don’t need anyone to watch my son while he is asleep. I put his bassinet in the kitchen and watch him myself.”
Kate made several other posts, responding to comments from her followers. One person commented that her mother-in-law paid for a cleaning lady two times a month for six months, which was “the best gift ever.” Kate posted a response, filming herself making a bed and wiping down counters.
“My mother-in-law thinks that if she comes to stay with us and “helps” with [the] baby, she doesn’t have to help cooking and cleaning because she’s a guest,” she said. “But I can’t host guests right now. I’m too exhausted.”
Her mother-in-law pushed back, telling Kate, “she didn’t have a washer and dryer when her kids were little and she was still able to do all the house chores.”
“I’d rather her not even come live with us because I would have to do more laundry, more cooking and grocery shopping. She is a picky eater. I’d rather her come see us and go home.” Another person commented that her mother-in-law’s response was “proof that whatever she just offered was for her and not for you.”
Kate posted a video of herself vacuuming, noting “I told my mother-in-law that if she is willing to help us, it would be better if she could cook for us and help clean because those are two things I don’t have time for.”
“The newborn is nursing 24/7, so I can’t do anything around the house.”
Her mother-in-law responded by asking, “why don’t you just cook and clean and I will hold the baby and just feed him with a bottle instead?”
Kate replied that they haven’t introduced a bottle to the baby yet, because she’s worried he’ll stop nursing if she does. Her mother-in-law said those were all excuses.
Yet it’s Kate’s right as a parent to care for her baby in the ways she believes are most beneficial to her and her son. If she doesn’t feel able to cook full meals and deep-clean while handling the demands of a newborn, she shouldn’t be expected to do so.
The Centre of Perinatal Excellence offers guidance to parents adjusting to their lives with a new baby. They recommend managing priorities, advising new parents to focus primarily on meeting the needs of their baby and to “let some things go for a while.”
They also recommend that new parents be kind to themselves, and remember that “a messy house doesn’t mean you’re failing at motherhood – you are likely to be directing your attention to where it matters most— the needs of your baby.”
The Centre also touches on how to navigate changing relationships with family members after the arrival of a baby. “Sometimes the expectations that family members may have about their new role may not align with yours,” the Centre explains. They recommend maintaining open communication, and discussing what level of involvement from outside family members you want.
Setting boundaries is often a challenge, especially with family. It’s important for new parents to know their own limits, and communicate their needs to those around them.
While it sounds like Kate needs extra support, it doesn’t seem like her mother-in-law is offering the kind of support she actually needs.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers celebrity gossip, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.