The Complicated Ethics Of 'Are We Dating The Same Guy' Facebook Groups & Why Women Need Them
The groups allow women to warn other women about harmful men, yet they also exist in a moral gray area.
ALWF, Giuseppe Ramos G, Brodi Rose via CanvaPro & Rytis Bernotas / Shutterstock Cultivating relationships in the era of dating apps can be a challenging activity, to say the least. The inherent anonymity of using apps to meet men is a feature of online dating that can also put women in harm’s way.
Since the dawn of gendered power imbalances, women have had to depend on one another for protection and safety when the systems that are supposed to provide such things fail us.
So, in the era of online dating, women have found a new way to find security. Enter: 'Are We Dating The Same Guy' Facebook groups.
What are 'Are We Dating The Same Guy' Facebook groups?
The groups exist in several major cities as a space for women to post the men their dating or speaking to on dating apps and find out vital information to protect them against cheaters, abusers, or just inadequate romantic partners.
From New York City to Los Angeles, there is an iteration of the group in most metropolitan areas in the US. The New York group, for example, boasts over 109,000 members and new posts appear in the group almost hourly.
The Facebook groups are helping women combat the dangers of online dating by arming them with information on men in their cities.
The Facebook group ‘Are We Dating The Same Guy?’ functions as a way to crowd-source men’s reputations and warn women when those men might be harmful or even dangerous.
In the groups, women are able to post screenshots of men’s dating profiles and ask other women if they know anything about them. The reports range from basic reviews to major warnings.
Not every post is negative; some feature women who say they know a certain man posted, and provide supportive insight or analysis of their personality and what kind of relationship the men are seeking. Often, the groups function as a space for women to ask each other for advice on dating and relationships, like how soon is too soon to move in together.
Yet other posts veer darker—women asking if anyone else is dating their boyfriend or women warning others to stay away from certain men who have victimized them.
Photo: Facebook
Certain posts relay stories of men harming the women posting, whether through gaslighting or ghosting, infidelity, or dishonesty. There are posts that mention abusive tendencies that various men exhibited towards the women posting, along with comments asking other women to avoid meeting those men, to keep themselves safe.
One particularly egregious post shared in the New York group saw a brave woman warning other women not to date a man she claims raped her when she was, as she describes, "too drunk to give consent." He allegedly refused to wear a condom when asked to multiple times. She had also learned of another similar allegation against him after her own harrowing experience.
In the comments of her post, women shared words of support and urged her to seek mental health care if needed. None suggested she go to the police — these women know the justice system fails women with claims like this. The best they can do is use a Facebook group to try and prevent another woman from falling victim to this man.
‘Are We Dating The Same Guy?’ can be viewed as a form of community care, where women can warn each other about men who have harmed them.
The need for groups like ‘Are We Dating The Same Guy?’ to exist puts a spotlight on the vulnerable position women are forced into by a society that lacks protective infrastructure for women who experience abusive relationships.
Yet there’s a certain ethical concern over groups like this. While they appear to be necessary to maintain women’s safety, there’s no clear answer as to the moral implications of their existence. Sometimes, women post photographs of problematic men along with the name of their employer, which could be seen as doxing the men in question.
There’s no fact-checking mechanism in the group; rather, it’s created from women’s lived experiences and personal opinions. An issue for one woman might be acceptable to another; one woman’s turn-offs aren’t necessarily another’s.
But women need these groups as a form of community care. We’re the ones looking out for ourselves and for each other.
Most women seem to understand the reason groups like ‘Are We Dating The Same Guy?’ exist, as a way for women to vet men for various levels of toxicity.
Yet other women have voiced concern for the men involved— like one woman who believed that “the comments sections are basically a smear campaign.”
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As stated in the description of one city’s iteration of the Facebook group, “This group is a place for women to protect and empower other women while warning each other of men who might be liars, cheaters, abusers, or exhibit any type of toxic or dangerous behavior.”
The rules are clearly laid out, in the description for the New York City group, the page explains the group’s function as “a place where girls can warn other girls about toxic men… to inquire about men you're seeing or who you just met to see if anyone has had any experiences with that person… It is also a safe space for relationship support and advice in general.”
These groups are the online version of whisper networks, when pertinent, potentially life-saving information is passed by word of mouth, from one woman to another.
According to one group's description, ‘Are We Dating The Same Guy?’ is “not about hating men. This group is about protecting and empowering women.” Yet there’s no absolute guarantee for the women in the group that their posts will stay private. While many women post anonymously, others give their names or other identifying details. The Facebook group clearly explains its intolerance for people who screenshot posts or comments, yet there’s no way to completely ensure that’s not happening.
Even in a place that’s designed to protect women from harm, the women involved still aren’t entirely safe.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers celebrity gossip, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.