A Guy's Boss Forced Him To Take A Paternity Test Because He Was Convinced He'd 'Boned' His Wife Despite Being Engaged To A Man
Nobody has ever barked up a wronger tree — or more poorly understood how genetics work.
Icons8, Pexels, pixabay, jarun011 / Getty Images via Canva We've all gotten the wrong idea a time or two in our day, but one man on Reddit's story of his boss's insane demand is on a whole other level.
As the man revealed in a series of Reddit posts, his boss Robert went so off the deep end with his suspicions of an inappropriate relationship with his wife that the whole thing turned into a screwball comedy plotline.
A man's boss made him take a paternity test to prove he hadn't 'boned' his wife.
Granted, the employee and Robert's wife are close friends—they're part of the same "girlfriend group" that does things socially all the time. And Robert's baby and the employee share some physical characteristics.
But does a man who uses the phrase "girlfriend group" to describe his circle of friends strike you as the type who'd be "boning" his boss's wife—or anyone's wife, for that matter? You can probably guess where we're going with this, but just in case...
The man's boss was convinced he had an affair with his wife, despite being openly gay and engaged to another man.
"I have pride stickers all over my car," the man wrote in one of his many stunned posts. "Outside of work I am a parrot of colorfulness."
But that didn't stop his boss from suspecting him of being the man his wife was cheating on him with.
It all began when his boss and his wife had a new baby daughter, Chelsea, and she ended up looking nothing like her father. "Every single day, Robert would be complaining about how little of himself he sees in his daughter, how much of a 'stranger' she is for it, that some days he thinks he’s looking at another persons baby," the employee writes.
Weirdly, "he only ever seemed to want to complain to me about it," he went on to say. "After the fifth day in a row, I started trying to explain how genetics work," an attempt to assuage his boss's fears of infidelity.
Reader, it did not work.
The man's boss threatened to fight him and demanded he get a paternity test because both he and the new baby have red hair.
If you remember your high school biology punnett squares, you will of course remember that red hair is a pretty rare genetic expression. So perhaps you can forgive Robert for assuming that his red-haired, freckled employee "boned" his wife and made a red-haired, freckled baby, even though he's gay. What other explanation is there, after all, right?
Oh, wait just kidding there is absolutely a reasonable explanation and it is the following: "[Robert's] high school sweetheart/wife Danielle is a tight-curled redhead with freckles for days, and...their daughter from the jump had a full head of red hair that’s already starting to curl." Seems like this mystery's solved!
Ah, but not for Robert! He showed up to work on a warpath, yelling at his gay employee to get his "A$$ outside" for a "beat down" while "screaming he’s not stupid." Whew, not touching that one.
Meanwhile, Danielle told Robert that if he didn't get a paternity himself, she'd divorce him. The employee also agreed to get one, telling his boss, "he may as well quit his job and just vanish after this because it’s gonna be real embarrassing when I walk in with the paperwork...and he has to explain to everyone including his own children what an absolute idiot he is."
Robert responded by texting the employee to say "'when' the test comes back with 'the truth' he’d F me up in court for what I’ve done." Can you guess what happened next?
The paternity test proved that the boss was the father of his baby, not his gay employee.
Who could have seen this plot twist?! In a final Reddit post, the employee wrote that "Robert got his results today and surprise, surprise, he’s the dad. What a shock."
But by then, the damage had been done—and an extraordinary amount of damage at that. Robert had even gone to the lengths of bugging his home with cameras in an attempt to catch his employee and his wife having an affair since he couldn't find any other evidence—an obvious invasion of privacy of everyone who entered their home that left some people on Reddit urging the employee to "lawyer up."
That betrayal destroyed the "girlfriend group" entirely, and Robert's wife "suddenly switched gears" when everyone turned on her and her husband and began blaming the gay employee for the whole debacle "because I should’ve just taken the test and moved on when it revealed I’m not the dad."
Suddenly what began as a farcical comedy of errors started to seem like a potentially dangerous situation. "I really hope you will be careful," one Reddit user commented. "I have a bad feeling about this." Another Redditor agreed, urging the employee to "be paranoid and observant of your surroundings. He sounds unhinged and delusional."
It seems jealousy will make people do unhinged things—even more unhinged than insisting a gay man had an affair with your wife, it turns out.
John Sundholm is a news and entertainment writer who covers pop culture, social justice and human interest topics.