Your Relationship Will Never Last If You Keep Dating Based On This Factor

Dating in a post-divorce world is easy and hard. Easy because I know what I’m looking for, and hard because that woman doesn’t exist.

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At least, I don’t think she does.

Dating is challenging because I regularly find myself side-tracked and distracted by what matters. While I know that beauty is intoxicating, I’m also finding that it’s misleading.

My recent encounter with an extremely beautiful woman had me in a spell.

I could hardly think of anyone else but her. I could hardly do anything but focus on her.

She filled my thoughts, emotions, dreams, and life.

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While there was little connection in our first conversation, I felt like I needed to pursue this relationship. Simply because she was so ravishingly attractive. I couldn’t give up the thought of not being with this beautiful woman.

I’d like to think that I’ve never been one to be drawn to someone only because of their physical beauty.

I’d never been put under the spell of beautiful women before, but this time I found myself unable to untangle myself from the tentacles of this Goddess. Each conversation felt more right and more wrong. It felt right because she was drop-dead gorgeous. It felt wrong because she was hardly the right person for me.

It was in the moment of desire and what I believed was blooming love that I had to get a hold of myself, figure out what it was that I wanted, and bid her farewell.

What did I want in a relationship?

Love, compassion, empathy, simplicity, kindness, and an appreciation for the divine. A woman who appreciated the beauty of small things and enjoyed living in the present moment. A woman who stopped to appreciate the beauty of the world around her. A woman who didn’t follow the known path and listened to her soul’s desires.

These were the qualities that I wanted and this was the woman that I was looking for.

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Unfortunately, this lovely woman I had met didn’t fit the profile. While she was a kind woman, we differed in passions and visions for our life. We both wanted something very different from a relationship.

Again, this was the easiest and hardest of decisions. Easy because I knew the answer and what I needed to do, and difficult because of her intoxicating beauty.

This Goddess’s beauty made me lose my sense of self.

Hormones overtook logic.

Desires overpowered rationality.

I let seduction blur my values in life.

Every time we spoke, I knew this was not a match and I needed to end it, but I found it so difficult to do so. Even if we had little in common and were opposite in so many ways, I found it difficult to let go.

Eventually, I did and I’m so thankful for being able to find the courage to do so.

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In the thick of a relationship, your partner’s physical appearance is hardly going to save the day. A cute partner isn’t going to make arguments easier to navigate and fights easier to avoid.

Not at all.

Physical attraction is important but for me, even more important at this point in my life were values, shared perspective, and shared life goals. I wanted compatibility on the things that really mattered in life, not physical attributes that would create momentary joy. I didn’t want someone who could tantalize me with her beauty, but someone who could touch my soul.

Yes, attraction matters but no, it doesn’t matter that much. In fact, it convolutes and confuses the situation more often than not.

If you’re dating for fun, the superficial world of beauty can be your sandbox.

But if you’re dating for keeps, don’t get caught up in the sandcastle of physical beauty that will quickly fade back into the shore.

For serious relationships, don’t lead with your eyes. Lead with your ears, your heart, and your soul. OK, fine, your values.

Understand yourself first and acknowledge what qualities you’re looking for in a partner.

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Get uber-clear on the values you hold dear and your perspective on the world so you find someone who matches those.

In the dating process, get disciplined in saying “no” to partners who don’t fit the criteria that matter.

More than likely you and I know, not at first glance, but in our first conversation if the person we’re talking to is the right one for us. Our intuition is a wise guide — it’s just we so often ignore it because our physical desires leave us dazed and confused.

If you lead with your desires, you’re bound to end up in a relationship that ends abruptly and that is filled with heartache.

If you lead with your values, you’re more likely to find yourself in a committed, lasting relationship.

Let’s look at her heart instead of her hips. Let’s examine his life goals instead of his height.

Let’s find compatibility in our values, perspective, and goals — a kind of beauty that doesn’t fade, but can last a lifetime.

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Vishnu Subramanian is a writer, blogger, and coach who helps people overcome breakups to rebuild their lives and live with purpose.