If You Answer Yes To These 5 Questions, Psychology Says You Likely Need Couples Counseling
Your relationship needs less fighting and more professional help.
LittleBee80 | Canva Near the end of my marriage, my husband and I went to couples counseling. But it was too little, too late. I’d already made up my mind to leave, and my heart stayed home while I sat on that therapist’s couch.
For lots of couples, it’s the same story. Couples counseling is a last-ditch effort to save something that’s been deteriorating for a long time — often, too long to be fixed. And in some cases, maybe it shouldn’t be fixed. Sometimes it’s best not to drag out a relationship that was never meant to be.
But other times, people just need a little help getting unstuck from a bad pattern or learning some new communication tools — before things go too far downhill. Not sure if you and your partner should bring in a professional to help you sort out your issues? Your answers to these five questions will help you decide whether it’s time to get yourselves onto the couples counseling couch — before it’s too late.
If you answer yes to these questions, psychology says you likely need couples counseling:
1. Do you have the same fight over and over?
This isn’t arguing about whether to go out or order in for dinner; everyone has that fight. But it might be the way he rolls his eyes at you when you disagree, making you feel invalidated and furious.
Maybe one of you wants to move to a new city, have kids, or change jobs, while the other doesn’t. Or it could be that he’s still friends with his ex, or that one of you wants to have more (and kinkier) intimacy.
Whatever the issue, if it keeps coming up again and again, pay attention. “When you’ve gone over the same thing a hundred times and aren’t any closer to resolving it, that might be a sign it’s time to see a therapist,” relationship therapist Stephen Snyder, MD, says.
2. Do you fight using manipulative tactics?
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How often you fight might not be as big a deal as you think; it’s the way you fight that makes the difference. If you can’t learn to handle conflict in a way that doesn’t tear the two of you apart, there’s not much hope for your relationship — because every couple is going to have conflict.
A therapist can give you tools that make a huge difference in the way you fight and help you practice them. No one is born knowing this stuff; it’s not a sign that your relationship is doomed if you need a little help.
A couple can fight every single day and still have a healthy relationship. Many do. The key is knowing how to fight fair. Then you can take conflicts in stride.
Manipulative tactics in relationships explore various strategies individuals use to control or influence others in close relationships. These tactics often include guilt-tripping, playing the victim, gaslighting, threats, charm, and silent treatment.
A study published in the South Eastern European Journal of Public Health found underlying motivations and personality traits associated with manipulation and its detrimental effects on the relationship dynamic.
3. Do your issues have to do with things outside of the two of you?
If the things you’re fighting about stem from things happening outside your relationship — illness or addiction, job loss, stress within the extended family, problems with exes or children from a previous relationship — it’s a good idea to talk to a professional sooner rather than later.
“It can be hard for people to stay connected when they’re dealing with a lot in their personal life. When you just don’t know where to turn, you should get some extra support,” New York City-based marriage and family therapist Rebecca Hendrix says.
The bottom line? When the issue is bigger than the two of you, don’t try to handle it alone. Individual therapy for each of you, or for one of you dealing with the sticky issue that’s hurting your relationship, can be helpful, in addition to couples counseling.
4. Has negativity overtaken your relationship?
Relationship guru John Gottman, Ph.D., bestselling author of several classic relationship self-help books, says couples need to have five positive interactions to balance out just one negative interaction. So it makes sense that it’s pretty easy to get pulled into a negative spiral and forget all the things you love about your partner after a bad week, never mind a tough few months.
If you’re at such a deficit of positive interactions that it feels like you’ll never make up that five-to-one ratio, it’s probably past time to see a therapist. But go anyway. It’s never truly too late if you both care about the relationship enough and are willing to work on things.
Negativity is probably typical or at least shared in most relationships, but that doesn't mean it's helpful. Scientific research published by the University of North Florida shows that negative words, attitudes, and interactions can be highly detrimental to a relationship's integrity and tear it apart from the inside out.
5. Do you feel like you're just going through the motions in your relationship?
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Once the spark has gone out of your relationship, it can be tough to reignite it. An intimacy-starved relationship can sometimes be resuscitated, but often, the lack of intimacy goes much deeper. “A lot of times if you’re not connecting physically, you’re not connecting emotionally,” Hendrix told Women's Health.
Feeling like you're just going through the motions in a relationship often indicates a lack of emotional intimacy, a decline in connection, and a potential for dissatisfaction within the partnership. Key factors include routine, lack of novelty, and a lack of active effort to maintain connection over time.
A 2018 study revealed that this can manifest as a sense of detachment, decreased passion, and a feeling of simply fulfilling roles rather than genuinely connecting with your partner.
How often should you be intimate? Consider that the definition of an intimacy-starved marriage is one in which you are intimate fewer than 10 times a year.
So, you could be getting busy almost once a month, and clinically, you’re still in trouble. You don’t have to do it every single day, but if you’re intimate less than a few times a month, it’s time to see someone — or call the whole thing off.
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