6 Yellow Flags That Signal Marriage Trouble, According To Experts
Yellow flags are more under-the-radar than red flags.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva Red flags are for danger; do not enter, and stay far away from whatever the red flag signals. Green means Go!, it's all good, and the course ahead is clear. Yellow flags are trickier.
Yellow flags are often up for more interpretation. Are they for caution, slow down, and be careful, or do yellow flags signal us to speed up, cross our fingers, and hope for the best?
Here are 6 yellow flags that signal marriage trouble, according to experts:
1. You play the blame game
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As a mediation attorney for divorce, the blame game for a failing marriage is a red flag. There is rarely just one cause leading to a marriage ending. As the conscious uncoupling process teaches us, moving away from blame and embracing self-reflection before it's too late is needed on both sides, as explored in a study by Brooke W. Williams at Brigham Young University.
— Scott Levin, Family Lawyer Mediator
2. You roll your eyes at each other often
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A subtle, yet telling, yellow flag of marital discord is when partners begin to roll their eyes at each other or avoid uncomfortable conversations. The Gottman Institute explains how eye-rolling signals contempt, a dangerous emotion in relationships, as it shows a lack of respect and empathy.
Avoiding difficult discussions indicates one or both partners might prefer to sweep issues under the rug rather than address them head-on. These behaviors may seem small, but over time, they can erode trust and emotional intimacy and suggest that unresolved tensions are slowly brewing beneath the surface. Addressing these habits early can be crucial for preventing deeper conflict.
— Erika Jordan, Dating Coach / NLP Practitioner
3. You don't have any shared interests
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In a healthy marriage, the partners support each other's interests even if they aren't shared, as suggested in a study in the Journal of Contemporary Family Therapy. Maybe one takes up golf lessons to spend more time with their partner on the golf course. Or, one spouse supports the other's interest in musical theater by purchasing tickets to upcoming shows.
However, a yellow flag of discord is when they do not have shared interests, and the partners have disinterest or even disdain for the other partner's interests. This results in the partners spending time apart and sometimes arguing about their interests, which leads to resentment and more marital discord (especially if you give up your passions).
— Jennifer Hargrave, Owner & Managing Attorney, Hargrave Family Law
4. One partner controls the purse strings
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When only one person in the marriage is involved with money matters, problems may arise, and it can become financially abusive, as demonstrated in research conducted through the University of Guelph, Ontario. This usually happens when the not-so-financially involved person is caught off guard by their financial situation like their credit card limit has been exceeded or items being purchased without their knowledge.
So, in marriage, it is important both parties have to partake in financial matters. Discussing financial matters together will also be a big help in keeping the financial war at bay. Consult each other before making any purchases, and plan for your monthly expenditure and savings.
— Christina Young, The Healing Heart Coach
5. Your self-worth has been diminishing
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Not feeling good about yourself when you are with them is a glaring sign of a relationship that can damage your well-being, as supported by a study of self-esteem and perceived conflict published by the Public Library of Science One Journal.
— Janet Ong Zimmerman, Courtship and Relationship Mentor
6. You are physically present but emotionally absent
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If you or your partner are present with each other but are absent — as in, not listening to each other speak, sitting next to each other but being overly engaged in tech or phone, not being affectionate but are in the same room together — it's one of the biggest signs of a failing marriage.
A study in the Frontiers in Psychology Journal demonstrates how relationships require active listening, open communication, and physical and emotional affection to make things last. Unfortunately, a lack of emotional presence points to a divide in your marriage.
— Laura Lifshitz, Author
When we observe traffic at an intersection with traffic signals, we all agree to stop for a red light and go for a green light. Yet, just like the flags for a relationship, when we see the yellow light, many drivers will put the pedal to the metal and rush to the light.
Sometimes, they make it, and all is well. Other times, they end up in a t-bone collision, and you can already hear the first responder sirens in the distance.
When we get a yellow flag in marriage, it is a good time to slow down and check in with each other before we end up on an unintended collision course. If we are late to notice and miss slipping through the yellow that already changed to red, divorce could be speeding along with the green and the right of way.
So, buckle up, place both hands firmly on the wheel, and be ready to slow down when the yellow flags appear in your marriage.
Will Curtis is a creator and editor who has spent the last decade working remotely.