World-Renowned Psychologist Reveals 6 Proven Secrets For A Marriage That Lasts
What is actually needed to make a marriage last a lifetime.
Kevin Hellhake | Unsplash Your relationship problems cannot be solved by reading a book, attending a weekend workshop, or enrolling in couples therapy. With that said, learning what distinguishes happy couples from unhappy ones can change the course of how you and your partner love each other.
Despite their seemingly insignificant effects, shifts in your relationship's trajectory can have a significant effect over time. The catch is that you must continue to build on the positive changes you’ve made so you don’t fall back into old, negative patterns.
Is there a noticeable difference between couples whose marriages continue to improve over time and those whose marriages do not?
The most devoted couples devote only an extra six hours per week to their relationship. The way these couples split up these six hours depended on their focus and areas of improvement, but there are some clear patterns to the most successful marriages.
World-renowned psychologist reveals 6 proven secrets for a marriage that lasts:
1. Learn one thing about your partner's day every morning
Happy couples try to learn one thing happening in their partner’s life that day before saying goodbye in the morning. This could be lunch plans with a best friend, a doctor’s appointment, or a scheduled call with their parents. The goal is to ask questions and learn about the exciting and not-so-exciting things about your partner’s day.
Time allocation: 10 minutes per week (2 minutes a day x 5 working days)
2. Listen to each other's recap of the day
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When you see your partner again at the end of the day, share a hug and kiss that lasts at least six seconds. Dr. Gottman calls this a “kiss with potential.” The six-second kiss is a connection ritual worth coming home to.
After the six-second kiss, have a stress-reducing conversation for at least 20 minutes. This provides you with a space for empathy and non-touch intimacy and encourages you to understand the stresses and problems outside of your relationship that you’re both facing.
Time allocation: 1 hour and 40 minutes per week (20 minutes a day x 5 working days)
3. Show your appreciation and acknowledge your admiration
Finding ways to communicate affection and gratitude toward your partner is important. I encourage couples I work with to use an admiration journal, which enables them to record something small they notice and connect it to a trait they admire in their partner.
Not only does this make your partner feel valued, but it also primes your mind to see your partner's positive traits instead of focusing on the negative. Here is an example: “Thanks for helping out with the dishes last night and letting me go finish my project for work. You’re such a thoughtful and kind woman.”
Time allocation: 35 minutes per week (5 minutes a day x 7 days)
4. Verbalize your affection
Expressing physical affection when you’re together is vital to feeling connected. Make sure to embrace each other before falling asleep. This can be as simple as cuddling for a few minutes or a goodnight kiss.
Think of these moments of affection as a way to let go of the minor stressors built up over the day. Imagine lacing your goodnight kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.
Time allocation: 35 minutes a week (5 minutes a day x 7 days)
5. Take turns planning date nights
This important “we time” is a relaxing and romantic way to stay connected. During your date, ask open-ended questions and focus on turning toward each other.
Think of questions to ask your partner, such as, “Are you still thinking about redesigning the bathroom?” or “I’d love to take a vacation with you. Do you have any places in mind?” or “How has your boss treated you this week?”
Time allocation: 2 hours, once a week
6. Conduct a 'State of the Union' meeting on your relationship
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Dr. Gottman’s research revealed that spending just one hour per week discussing areas of concern within the relationship has transformed how partners manage conflict. In my practice, this dedicated space to discuss conflict gives couples the freedom to express their fears and concerns in a way that makes them feel heard and loved instead of neglected.
I’d recommend making this a weekly ritual in your relationship. It should happen at the same time each week. It’s sacred because it’s transformative, even though it may not feel fun in the moment.
Here’s how to do it: Discuss what has gone well in your relationship since the last meeting. Next, give each other five appreciations you haven’t yet expressed. Try to be specific and include examples. Now, discuss any issues that may have arisen in the relationship. To make the conversation effective, take turns being the speaker and the listener.
As the speaker, use gentle start-ups that avoid triggering your partner. As the listener, try to understand what your partner is saying without judgment. If you get defensive or flooded, take a 20-minute break and return to the conversation.
Time allocated: 1 hour a week.
Grand total: 6 hours!
As you can see, six hours a week is relatively minimal. It’s only 5 percent of your waking life if you sleep 8 hours each night. As insignificant as these six hours feel, they will help keep your relationship on track.
Kyle Benson is a relationship coach who writes to help others understand the science of love and relationships.