Women Who Fit Into One Of These 4 Types Repel Guys Without Ever Knowing It
Don't be the one they avoid.
Nanci Santos Iglesias via Shutterstock Most of us have been there while single. Lying in bed alone, wondering how to get that one guy to see how great you'd be together. Well, the first step is to figure out if you've been doing something to repel him. To change the dynamic, let's look first at a few types of women most men avoid dating. Then you need to get real with yourself about whether you fall into one of these categories.
Oh! And by the way, if you do fall into one of these and it works for you, then great! Maybe you need a different man. But if you feel like it's working against you, then this might be the nudge you need to make the change you've always wanted.
Four 'types' of women that repel guys without even realizing it
1. The mother figure
Many women will mother the guy they're in love with, like they are echoes of co-opted mother-infant bonding in the evolution of romantic love, as explored in a study from Frontiers in Psychology. You become a shoulder to cry on, and so, what happens? He only sees you as a friend and moves on to marry the next girl.
Being a guy’s confidante (without him being attracted to you first) is the most definite way to make him not see you as anything more than a friend. He'll likely avoid dating you as long as he sees you as a mother and not a potential partner.
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2. The maid
Many women think if they do everything for a man, he will like them more. The reality is doing this only kills the attraction, as suggested by a study of gender, emotional work, and relationship satisfaction published by Sex Roles Journal. When you work too hard to become his indispensable servant, while your intention may be to get romantic with him, the opposite happens, and you depolarize yourself from him instead.
3. The mean one
Some women think treating men meanly is a good way to get them interested. It isn't. This typically only works with guys who have low self-esteem and you end up in a power/control dynamic not a healthy relationship. Research on communication and relationship satisfaction from the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin supports how people don't want to be treated like a doormat. If you put him down in front of his friends, this may be you.
4. The one waiting in the background
This is more common than you might think. You may simply have not aroused his curiosity enough for him to notice you. The Journal of Personality explains that curiosity breeds intimacy, so if he hasn't noticed you, he isn't thinking about you as a potential girlfriend.
While many women believe if a man doesn't see her as anything more than a friend from the get-go, they will remain just friends for life. This is completely untrue. There are things you can start doing to get him to like you and see you as a potential partner.
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7 ways to get yourself out of those 'types' that repel him
1. Figure out how he currently sees you
When the man you love looks at you, does he see relationship material? Honestly examining how he sees you is essential, as suggested in an exploration of relationship initiation from the APA Handbook Of Contemporary Family Psychology. If he sees you as a therapist or a sibling, you have no hope of building a romantic relationship with him.
You might think you are this incredible and sexy woman, but the guy doesn’t see any sexiness when he looks at you.
Take a step back and ask yourself these questions:
- Are you always listening to the guy’s problems?
- Are you always ready to make brownies when he has had a tough day?
- Are you available to the extent that he is taking you for granted?
- Do you always agree to meet every time he asks to hang out?
- Does he consider you sexy or does he relate to you as he does with the guy next door?
- Does he always let you lead the conversation and/or activity?
- Does he know much about you other than your name?
When you see yourself through the guy’s eyes, it is a great way to see things in a different light and change the role you are playing.
2. Change things up
You don't have to change your look entirely to win over a guy, and you shouldn't. However, if you want a man to see you as more than a friend, you may want to consider changing things up a bit, as suggested by a study of the effect of appearance on self-perception from the Journal of Personality.
You've probably been dressing for comfort around him. After all, you are good friends.
Going forward, try dressing in a way that makes you feel confident when you're with him instead.
Here are a few ideas to try:
- Choose clothes that are contrary to the fashion he's come to associate with you.
- Work on getting into better shape if you feel you could use it. There's no need to aim for perfection, but starting to feel healthier and more energized will make him notice you.
- Try a fun new hairstyle and or a different look with your makeup.
- Focus on your own happiness. This is an extremely attractive quality to men and too often is forgotten about by many women.
3. Make yourself scarce
If he sees you all the time, how can he know what he's missing? If you want a guy to value you, sometimes you have to take a break from him. With a little distance, there's a chance that he will miss you and realize what you have to offer.
Giving yourself a break also helps reset your relationship and changes the dynamics between you (think ‘old you' vs. ‘new you'). This includes phone calls, texts, and other communication. If he initiates contact, listen in a friendly manner and then exit the conversation politely.
4. Have your own life
It's not enough to give him some space; it's also crucial that you have your own life. You only have one to live, after all, and you shouldn't put it on hold for anyone.
Also, the more you go out there and do the things you love, the more you will feel and look better, and the more attractive you will be. When you remain fixated on a guy, you give off a "needy girlfriend" vibe, and neediness is anything but sexy.
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5. Get passionate about something
Take up an activity or cause you feel passionate about, or focus on advancing your career. You will be busier, less accessible, and more attractive.
More importantly, having a more exciting life will make you feel more confident and prevent you from making the mistake of building your life around your loneliness. You will no longer look to a guy to fill an emotional void. You may prefer him, but you won't need him.
6. Let him show himself to you
When the dynamic changes so you're no longer chasing the man, you become less available, and he'll start feeling like he could lose you. Do not do much to reassure him at this point. Leave him room to show himself to you.
7. Allow him to feel he can "win" you
When you give a guy an opportunity to win you by stepping back and he rises to the challenge by pursuing you, let him know he is no longer taking you for granted is something you notice and appreciate.
8. Get in touch with your femininity
The distinctions between masculine and feminine are as appealing to most hetero men as they are to most hetero women. Use this to your advantage.
Flirt with him, and let him know you want, need, and appreciate his presence will make him feel like a man, which will draw him to you.
When you're dating and looking for true love, it's essential to keep your options open.
You may not want to hear this, but he may not be ready for a serious relationship, and he may never be attracted to you in that way.
If you wait and wait for him to see romantic potential between the two of you, you might waste a whole lot of time fixating on a man who will never fill that role in your life, while losing out on time you could have spent with another, even more incredible man who does want and appreciate you.
Tying yourself up with what you see as his potential and closing off your options isn't wise. And if you keep investing emotions and time in a guy who unloads his issues on you without caring to return the favor, one day you'll look back with bitterness and regret.
Make a decision to get his attention today, no matter what the outcome could be, and be prepared to accept whatever it is.
Randy Skilton is a relationship coach with an Advanced Diploma in Social Science. His work has appeared on Psych Central, Lifehack, and Marriage.com where he educates others on enhancing the quality of their relationships.