Why Some Partners Can't Stand To Be Touched, According To Clinical Psychologist
Is your partner touch-starved or touch-averse? Here are some reasons why.
Ksuha Romaniv | Canva Some people have healthy sex drives, especially when they are younger, but they have a sexual erotic blueprint and do not enjoy any foreplay, cuddling, or any other type of touch besides sex. This means that when their desire to have sex drops due to monogamy or the end of the honeymoon stage, age, marital conflict, or medical issues, all touch is gone from the relationship.
It is only at this point that partners usually start to realize that touch was never a part of the relationship at all, only sex was. This total absence of touch is what I call a touchless marriage.
This post can help you understand why your partner may hate physical touch and what, if anything, can be done about it.
Touch can intensely transmit the emotional benefits of being accepted and cared for. Touch also confers physiological benefits. In one study, partners were found to have lower levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, when they enjoyed higher levels of physical touch, handholding, or hugging.
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First of all, it is essential to realize that comfort with physicality is very different between couples.
Based on what you saw growing up in your family of origin, people have very different ideas on what is “okay” and “not okay” in terms of touch, nakedness, discussing bodily processes, and more. It is important to recognize that these dimensions of comfort do not always concord.
For example, someone could feel okay about peeing in front of their partner but be embarrassed about showing them any public affection or the opposite. They could be okay with back scratches but be averse to giving a foot rub. There are some people who enjoy all touch and some people who enjoy basically no touch at all.
Often, people are anxious or even phobic about giving or receiving touch, but they do not realize this. Instead, buoyed by our preference- and boundary-obsessed culture, they just think or say, “I don’t like touch.”
Of course, they understand they can’t act this way toward a small child or that it is socially awkward to refuse to hug a friend, but with a partner, they want to be their “true self,” and so they deny all touch because they “don’t want to.” In this way, they prevent themselves from seeing that their feelings toward touch may be related to anxiety rather than just a preference.
If touch is just a preference, then working with a couples therapist can allow you to see that both partners should be working to be more open-minded and less focused in general on their individual preferences.
However, many people start out saying that not being “touchy-feely” is just a preference, but then, when they try to start doing it more because physical touch is their partner’s love language, they realize that their heart is racing, palms sweaty, and other markers of anxiety.
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Why does this happen? There are many reasons why touch would make someone anxious.
Research published in 2010 by the Developmental Review indicates that touch can trigger anxiety in individuals due to factors like social anxiety, personal boundaries, past experiences, and the context of the touch, with people who are more socially anxious often reacting more strongly to touch, experiencing increased self-consciousness and embarrassment when touched by others.
This heightened sensitivity to touch can be linked to a heightened awareness of their surroundings and potential threats, making them more likely to perceive touch as harmful or intrusive.
First, they may have a history of sexual/physical abuse (which often leads to a fear of all touch). This would be a reason to get into therapy, as this can be very difficult to process and work through. Next, their home may have been very anti-touch, which often happens in a sex-negative environment.
If you grew up in a family where physical closeness was not the norm, it could feel invasive and awkward to engage in touch later on, especially when you are in the post-honeymoon phase and you are no longer “drunk” on new love hormones.
Some people are also on the Autism Spectrum, which means they have what is called “sensory issues,” which can include aversion to certain types of touch.
While this is certainly valid, one person’s disorder should not prevent the other partner from ever getting their needs met. A good example is depression. If a partner was consistently too depressed to make eye contact, say hello, smile, or say kind words to a partner, it would be of paramount urgency to work on ways to treat their depression.
If the treatment did not work, as it doesn’t for many, they could work with a therapist to push themselves to engage by their values to be kind to their family members even when they didn’t feel it was easy. This is a lot of what is learned in therapy: ways to interact in ways that are difficult for you but that are in line with your greater ethics and values.
Whether touch aversion is due to anxiety or sensory issues, practice can help get the person used to touch. Of course, the partner who loves touch also has to compromise a great deal.
But if you want to stay married, learning to hug or kiss your partner every day, sit next to them on the couch, or cuddle for a half hour a week (when the partner would wish for a half hour a day) is reasonable.
The principles of exposure therapy would apply here, and anxiety/discomfort decreases with more and more exposure to the uncomfortable or anxiety-producing stimulus. It is an empirically supported, highly effective way to treat anxiety disorders, including PTSD, social phobia, generalized anxiety, and more.
The Cleveland Clinic explains that someone who fears being touched might imagine receiving a touch from a loved one and eventually practice receiving the touch in person. Exposure therapy is successful for about 90% of people who stick with it.
Now, keep in mind that some people tell their partners they are not into physical touch, but the reality is that they are fine with touch … just not touching their partner.
Often, they have fallen out of love with their partner and/or feel disgust or repulsion toward them. This can be because a partner has gained a lot of weight or has poor hygiene, among other reasons.
Touch or cuddling can feel repugnant when you find your partner physically disgusting, but many people will not say this because it feels too cruel. If your partner gives lots of touch to your kids, animals, and friends but none to you, you may be in this situation.
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A last reason why some women are against touch is that they feel it always has to lead to intimacy.
Again, though, you would be able to discriminate these women from women who generally dislike all touch by how they act toward other human beings who are not you. If she cuddles with the kids and your pets but just not you, this is a huge sign that there may be deeper, relational reasons that she is not into touching you, and couples therapy can help her articulate these.
Either extreme, i.e., “Touch is normal, and my partner is mean for not giving it to me,” or “Touch is not necessary, and my partner is silly for wanting it,” are unhealthy and create empathic ruptures in the relationship. Dislike of touch is something that can be worked on within the bounds of a loving relationship in which partners are trying to stay together and work on being the healthiest individuals and couple that they can be.
Individual and couples therapy both have roles in helping partners understand the origin of their aversions, creating empathy for the touch-averse partner, highlighting the need for both to be flexible and go outside their comfort zones, and teaching practical ways for both partners to start engaging in new behaviors.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.