Couples Therapist Sounds Alarm: Why So Many Wives Initiate Divorce After The Kids Leave The House
Women initiate far more divorces than men do, and rates of “gray divorce” are growing.
Ariana Smith | Canva Among the clients I see, many women stay in the marriage until their kids leave the house, and at that point, they initiate divorce. Are these women waiting to initiate divorce or do they decide to leave only after the kids have graduated high school? I see both in my practice, and each situation is associated with certain unique factors.
In the first group are women who have been planning to leave their marriage years before they actually go.
They deeply believe that their kids are better off with married parents, often for one of these issues:
- The child is sensitive or struggles with mental/physical health issues
- She doubts her husband’s ability to parent the children well (due to either her own anxiety or real issues in him, e.g., alcoholism)
- There is not enough money for two households AND the children to continue living the lifestyle they are used to, including their sports, saving for college, etc
- She feels that she has waited this long, and a few years will not make much of a difference to her or her husband but will throw the children’s lives into disarray
These women may tell their husbands that they are unhappy, but overall, they are fairly detached. These marriages usually lack intimacy and are loveless.
The second group is comprised of women who are genuinely invested in their marriages, although they are deeply unhappy.
They are often working in couples counseling to see if their marriages can be saved. They are not sure that they will leave, and vacillate day to day or month to month over whether they can visualize their marriage lasting or not.
These women are unaware of how much their motivation levels are impacted by the children living at home and wanting to keep the family together. When the children leave, though, it hits them like a ton of bricks that the marriage is empty and unsustainable.
At this point, they will often initiate divorce, which may blindside the husband, because these marriages are not always sexless or loveless, and often have moments of closeness (the periods where the woman is most enthusiastic about the prospect of staying together).
I do not believe that staying together for the sake of adult children is healthy. However, nobody wants a contentious situation where the ex-partners cannot even come together amicably for events like graduations, weddings, births of grandkids, and so forth.
Psychosocial experts found that couples may find that once their children no longer live at home, they have little in common outside of their roles as parents. This can make it hard to find closeness and connection, leading many adults to seek fulfillment outside their relationship.
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How can you get over animosity that has arisen because the husband feels duped or exploited by the fact that his wife left him so quickly after the kids departed the home?
First, it is essential to understand that there are no nefarious motives on the woman’s part. The desire to keep an intact family for the children is not malicious and has a lot of merit. The only time when divorce is a better option for kids is when the marriage is in conflict and the divorce ends this constant conflict.
Otherwise, it is anyone’s guess whether children will do better with married parents who do a good job at hiding their conflict or after a divorce. (This of course doesn’t mean that you should not divorce if you are deeply unhappy.)
Women in this situation are trying to make a decision that is good for their children, and sacrificing their short-term happiness to do so. They are trying to decide for the greater good, and assuming that you and they can wait out some years of unhappiness for the sake of the children’s peace and stability.
Likely, the husband married his wife hoping and expecting that she would be a good mother, and the decision to stay together as long as possible is evidence of this good mothering and prioritization of the children.
The important thing is to move forward with grace and equanimity, no matter how and when a divorce was initiated. This will allow your children to heal and move forward themselves.
Also, the sooner you forgive your ex-wife for leaving you, the sooner you can find yourself in a new, healthier, and happier relationship with a woman who wants to be with you. Divorced guys do much better than they think they will, especially if they are introspective. And if you are struggling with a great deal of rage and bitterness, therapy is great at helping you move forward without anger and resentment.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.