The Boomer Relationship Rule That Scientists Say Simply Doesn't Work
The biology of why this outdated system only makes things worse.
Elzbieta Sekowska via Shutterstock Sometimes, when it comes to relationship advice, what we take as common sense is really just a bunch of pie-in-the-sky crap! I know it sounds harsh, but I call it crap because it's too idealistic or just ignorant of how people's minds, bodies and hearts really work.
For example: The Boomer idea that couples should never go to bed angry. Now, I'll be honest with you, I used to believe this was a great rule to live by. But that was back when I was in a relationship that lacked passion — including the passion to argue. I would just give up and move on. But, as you probably already know, there's no real "moving on" when you're stuffing feelings down.
The Boomer relationship rule that doesn't work and makes fights worse
Never go to bed angry
Trying to talk things out before bedtime often leads to inflamed emotions, short tempers and muddy thinking. After all, not only are you emotional and defensive, you are also tired! This is a recipe for disaster.
Stanford sleep expert, Dr. Brandon Peters, reports that difficulty sleeping interferes with higher cognitive and executive functioning of the brain. It also affects our amygdala, which helps regulate our emotions.
When we don't sleep, we overreact to situations or don't react at all, according to a Time Magazine article, "because our neurotransmitters aren't making the right connections." Your brain is sending up red flags everywhere for more relationship trouble the next day, among other things, like it's creating a minefield.
Also, the Journal of Agromedicine helped show how your memory is impaired when you're arguing late into the night. The less you sleep, the more your brain feels like you've been tossing back the booze. So good luck with that, and when it hits 5:00 AM and you and your significant other are splayed out on the floor, throats raw from screaming, both reeling and rendered useless as to figuring out a solution to whatever you were fighting about, let alone getting anything done at work the next day.
This means you need sleep to reason well, communicate effectively and, you know, solve problems! If you're so sleep-deprived you can't solve any problems, then how on earth do you expect to resolve an argument? Yeah, exactly. You can't.
Four ways going to bed angry can change your mind, body and relationship
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1. It breaks the fight-sleeplessness-irritability cycle
People who follow the old rule "don't go to bed angry" often have fights late into the night and end up overtired the next day. Guess what happens then? Another day of short tempers and unreglated emotional states! Data from Nature and Science of Sleep showed it's actually chronic sleep loss that dramatically impacts your health, but if you're regularly arguing instead of sleeping, it will add up. Who knows, the next time one of you says "You're killing me" during a late-night argument, you might be right!
Because you could easily crash your car into someone else's because lack of sleep mimics the effects of drinking, Research in Occupational and Environmental Medicine demonstrated, "Moderate sleep deprivation produces impairments in cognitive and motor performance equivalent to legally prescribed levels of alcohol intoxication."
But it gets worse. A study in Preventing Chronic Disease explained how missing sleep can put you at a higher risk of developing chronic diseases, including but not limited to diabetes, cardiovascular disease and obesity. You're also more susceptible to getting the common cold, though the long-term effects aren't exactly as dire.
This will have all kinds of detrimental effects on your relationship. If you think whatever you're fighting about now is serious, don't wait to find out just how bad it could get if you keep it up.
2. Sleep helps balance your hormones
Dr. Robert D. Oexman, former director of the Sleep to Live Institute and current CEO and founder of Somly, says that chronic sleep deprivation can lower the sex drive hormones in both men and women. For women, these are steroids our body produces, primarily: estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. Testosterone is the key hormone for men's sex drives, as seen in an Endocrine Journal article.
Sleep specialists have found that both men and women report less interest in sex when they're sleep-deprived.
So, if you're looking forward to amazing make-up sex, you need to finish that argument in the morning when you're rested and recharged.
3. It allows your brain time to process during deeper sleep states
There's a definite link between lack of sleep and depression, as explained in an American Psychological Association narrative review. And it may seem like a chicken and egg situation. Insomnia can be a sign of depression and lack of sleep can play a role in causing depression.
To solve a problem in a positive way, you need rest to refresh your outlook and perspective. Staying up late fighting just drains you both and results in negative thinking and a depressing outlook.
"We should just break up" at night turns back to "We can work this out" in the morning. Sleepless nights are not your friend.
It's almost impossible to feel great and excited about the day, your life, or your relationship when you've missed a lot of sleep the night before because of some ridiculous argument.
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In 2013, sleep researchers at UC Berkeley discovered a "dysfunctional pathway that explains the relationship between brain deterioration, sleep disruption, and memory loss."
Now, this forgetfulness could really go either way toward helping or hurting your argumentative ways. Staying up late fighting contributes to you going off track and fighting about all sorts of issues, instead of the one truly at hand. You get too sleepy and forget your real point.
Catch some zzz's and address the issue (if you can remember it) in the morning when your mind is sharp, you feel more clearheaded, and you've had a few hours to let yourself mentally and physically cool down so that you can stay focused on the real conversation.
4. It helps you avoid doing or saying something you'll regret
Sleep expert Phil Gehrman, Ph.D., says "Lack of sleep can affect our interpretations of events. This hurts our ability to make sound judgments because we may not assess situations accurately and act on them wisely."
The longer you stay up arguing, the worse the argument will probably get because you start to get cranky and lash out."
By giving yourself a "cool down" period by getting some rest, then revisiting the conversation, it helps both parties remember that this argument really should be just that: a conversation.
Each person has a say, but you're both working toward a shared goal: resolving the issue. And you want to figure out how to make things work and achieve that goal. Together.
This is almost impossible to do in the heat of the moment. When you're yelling, you're not listening to each other. It's just a lot of noise that, at best, didn't do irreparable harm. But it almost always does some harm, whether it's taking a toll on your mind and body, or hurtful words were exchanged in the crossfire, too.
These days, I'm in a much more vibrant relationship, and I know without a doubt that if we didn't go to bed angry, we'd be up all night arguing about something so stupid we don't even know what it is anymore after a certain point. We're just yelling for yelling's sake.
Going to bed angry is actually great for our relationship because things usually look completely different in the morning. When the alternative is a sleepless or nearly sleepless night, going to bed angry is actually best for most couples.
Lack of sleep, especially from staying up arguing, can harm more than just your relationship. Commit to revisiting the conversation again the next day, once you're rested and regain a little perspective.
Ever heard the old tip, "Sleep on it"? Even if the relationship turns out not to be, that one's a keeper.
Dr. Karen Finn is a divorce and life coach. Her writing on marriage, divorce, and co-parenting has appeared on MSN, Yahoo, Psych Central, Huffington Post, Prevention, and The Good Men Project, among others.
