Why Every Marriage Is Really 3 Relationships, Says Couples Therapist Of 15 Years
For a successful, long-term partnership, you must work on all three.
Dean Drobot | Canva In every marriage (read long-term, committed, intimate relationship) there are three distinct, unique, and interdependent relationships: lovers, partners, and friends.
Each one of the relationships has a distinctive dynamic, nature, and purpose. Each can strengthen or weaken the others, due to the reciprocal and synergistic nature of the relationship braid.
By understanding the health of the erotic, the partnership, and the friendship relationships, couples can cope easily and effectively with challenges, focusing on the particular relationship in question, resulting in a deeper and stronger bond.
Why every marriage is really 3 relationships:
1. Lovers: Intimacy
Sexuality is the relationship saved especially for intimate partners. This is the relationship where sensuality, touch, sex, eroticism, and intimacy reign.
Eroticism requires time, concentration, and focus. As couples therapist Esther Perel emphasizes, eroticism thrives on the playful, mysterious, flirty, unexpected, powerful, passionate, aggressive, and submissive energy.
Sexuality is usually the metric by which couples measure the success and health of their bond. Sex is the first to take a blow when the other relationships are strained, and it is often the slowest to heal.
2. Partners: Responsibility
Once a pair lives together and has children, the duo (consciously or not) starts developing a partnership to run the business of the family. Included are paying bills, raising children, balancing a budget, managing bank accounts, paying a mortgage, attending to house chores, cooking, and cleaning.
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Partnership requires constant, complex, seemingly endless logistics, which can slowly take over the day-to-day conversations. Partnerships require trust, commitment, predictability, and transparency. Some couples negotiate this relationship as they go since the business of family becomes more complicated as it grows.
The partnership is the relationship that usually is the steadiest due to the need to keep the house and the children afloat. Problems in the partnership will immediately impact sexuality and then the friendship.
3. Friends: Love
Friendship thrives on the fun, intimate, and playful. Friendship is where couples laugh, gossip, tickle, philosophize, go out to dinner, and share their private thoughts, dreams, fears, and feelings. Friendship is where you lean on each other. In many ways, friendship is what gives enduring energy and zest to the other two relationships.
Friendship may be the least visible, as it is subtle and less overt than sex and partnership. Many couples don’t even notice that their friendship has deteriorated or even evaporated. Conversations typically get overrun by the partnership logistics, and the marriage gets measured by how much sex the couple is (or isn’t) having.
Since sex is easier to observe and measure than playful conversations, couples are often less aware of the vitality of their friendship. They usually awaken to the friendship only once things are really bad and they no longer enjoy each other’s company.
How to improve the 3 relationships in every marriage:
So how are you doing in each of these relationships? Here are a couple of questions (and initial suggestions) that will help you assess and engage with each of the relationships in your marriage.
Begin by giving an overall score on how well you think you are doing as lovers, partners, and friends. Score on a scale between 1 (we are not doing well) and 10 (we are rocking it).
Lovers
1. Are you dissatisfied with your sex life?
If so, it’s time to talk about it. An honest conversation is the first step toward improving the sexual relationship. You can also read books, attend seminars, or go for counseling to improve your sex.
According to research done by Dr. John Gottman, couples can improve their sex lives by saying "I love you" to each other, kissing each other passionately and unexpectedly, and surprising each other with gifts.
Begin by practicing some good old mediocre sex, which will at least keep the sexual relationship alive while you work on improving it. Another approach is to explore masturbation separately and then together, to help each other learn what feels good.
2. Do you feel a waning of attraction?
If so, there is no need to feel ashamed, because it is natural and normal in every long-term relationship. Your partner may already feel it, so it's better to own it than deny it. Now it’s time to talk openly and explore why. The discussions, albeit tough, can often bring the dyad to new levels of openness, intimacy, and even sex.
Partners
1. Do you feel alone in the parental partnership?
If so, you can start by balancing the parental dynamic through increased collaboration.
2. Do you feel like the financial situation is out of hand or not managed well?
If so, now is the time to meet with a financial advisor and make a business plan.
3. Do you feel alone in the burden of housework?
If so, then make a list of all the different chores and household duties that need to be done. Discuss the list with your partner and renegotiate who does what.
Friends
1. Do you enjoy talking and spending time together?
If not, then it’s time to talk about it and explore why you aren’t enjoying time together. A good initial step in the right direction is to start having purposeless conversations, in which you talk about associative, random topics that can help you widen your relational reservoir.
2. Are you somewhat bored with your partner?
If so, then it’s time to practice joy. Yes, joy is a verb, and the more you express it, the more you will feel it.
Harvard University has some insight on how to practice joy. This can look like doing regular aerobic exercises, volunteering, and meditating.
3. Do you share more honestly and enthusiastically with your friends, family, or therapist than with your partner?
If so, then it’s time to see whether you have outsourced too much of your libido to different parties. You may have to renegotiate and find a better way to utilize the power of the third in your relationship.
Once you’re done answering the questions, share this article with your partner and have them answer the questions. Playfully and openly compare the scores and answers with your partner. Brainstorm together which relationship you want to focus on next. If you get stuck or entrenched in the process, you can turn to a couples therapist to help you work on the issues.
Remember, since all three relationships are interconnected, improvement in one will exponentially improve the others.
Assael Romanelli, Ph.D., is a clinical social worker, licensed Couple & Family Therapist, and an international trainer. He is the founder and co-director of The Potential State For Enriching Relationships.