What I Loved Most About My Spouse Turned Out To Be What I Ended Up Loathing
I used to envy my husband's lack of this quality — now I hate it.
Sjale | Shutterstock I was newly married and received a rejection letter from a publisher. I had just begun my writing career and I was devastated. It reduced me to tears.
"Why do you care?" asked my husband.
"You’re right," I said. "I care too much."
Not long after, I was worried that someone I knew might be mad at me. The fixer and pleaser in me wanted to make it right. It preoccupied me and my husband just didn't get it.
"Why do you care?" asked my husband.
I heard his words, But again, I was the girl who cared too much.
Yet time and time again, I was worried about something or someone else. It could be a co-worker who needed more help than I could provide, it could be turning down an important event that I was too booked to attend, it could be a demanding boss, or it could be someone’s hurt feelings.
Each and every time my husband said the same thing.
"Why do you care?" or "Who cares."
I thought my husband was stronger than me. I thought being a worrier was a deficit.
A weakness even. I thought my husband was resilient. I was drawn to his lack of worry. I envied it. I admired it. It was one of the things I loved most about him. It gave me a feeling of security — A safe refuge for this worrier.
He was my strong strapping Prince Charming.
A few years into our marriage, I stopped loving what I used to love about my husband. Because I discovered his lack of worry and concern is not truly a strength.
He literally just didn't care — I mean he really really didn't care about anything.
"I’d really like the family room painted for the baby’s first birthday," I said.
"Who cares," said my husband.
"My friend’s husband got her a beautiful piece of jewelry when she gave birth," I said.
"Why would anyone do that?" said my husband.
"You should really give your Dad a call he’s getting older," I said.
"What would I talk to him about?" said my husband.
"You were at your work conference for a week and never even called home once," I said.
"Why do I need to call?" said my husband.
"You shouldn’t talk to a customer like that," I said.
"She shouldn’t have talked to me that way," said my husband.
"You make no effort on my birthday," I said.
"Birthdays weren’t a big deal in my house," said my husband.
"We have to go to this dinner, we are the Godparents," I said.
"I don’t want to miss the opening day party," said my husband.
"I don’t want to bring our baby to the hospital for surgery alone," I said.
"You’ll be fine," said my husband. "I’m a busy man."
"I need someone to pick me up from my oral surgery," I said. "They said I have to have a driver because they are putting me under anesthesia."
"I can’t," said my husband. "I’m a busy man."
"I want you to pick me up from the hospital when the baby is born," I said.
"I can’t," said my husband. "I’m a busy man."
I began to loathe what I once loved about my husband.
It didn't matter what I did, I couldn't get him to care about anything. Unless of course, it was something he already cared about personally: his job, his money, golf, a game, a happy hour.
Over the years, I tried everything to make my husband care but it didn't matter.
I talked to my husband, I got upset with him, I cried, I got angry. I told him that there are things in life and marriage he has to care about. But he was rigid. My husband didn't do anything he didn’t want to do.
He was completely unphased if I was stressed, worried, or needed him.
He was equally unmoved by anything that caused me joy or happiness.
I was expected to co-exist with my husband and not ask anything of him.
When our marriage began to struggle, he didn't care.
It turns out it isn’t uncommon to come to loathe what you once loved about a romantic partner.
You might be attracted to someone who seems laid-back until one day you discover it feels more like a lack of maturity and/or motivation. It now feels as if you have to parent your spouse to make sure household or parenting tasks get done.
You might like someone’s take-charge personality but later feel like the leader you were drawn to now feels incredibly controlling. You might love a person’s robust energy and later feel like you can’t even relax in your own home.
It’s a relationship phenomenon.
What we often love about our spouse (while dating) can turn into something we hate (once married) and become one of our biggest relationship frustrations.
Colleen Sheehy Orme is a national relationship columnist, journalist, and former business columnist. She writes about love, life, relationships, family, parenting, divorce, and narcissism.