What A Happy Marriage Looks Like In Midlife, According To Clinical Psychologist

Many people want to create more romantic and emotionally connected marriages, but their templates for what “romance” means are only relevant to younger or unmarried people. For example, buying your girlfriend a present when you were young and had separate bank accounts is very different from buying your wife something from your shared bank account that you both contribute to, after a history of making joint decisions on purchases and how to prioritize spending on various things. 

And planning a date night when your family schedule is packed with kid activities is a far cry from dating before kids. How can you inject some romance into your marriage at midlife, despite the practical limitations of family life and age? First, you have to realize that aging is real.

In midlife, a happy marriage looks different than earlier on. 

Expecting your partner of 20 years to act as romantic as a younger person is a fool’s errand, and sets them up to fail. 

Older people are generally calmer, more confident, busier, and more responsible than younger people.  A younger man who plans a date feels that everything is riding on the outcome of it. An older guy who is married with kids certainly doesn’t, and shouldn’t, feel like his entire self-concept rises or falls based on whether his wife has fun at dinner with him that evening.

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Similarly, a woman doesn’t dress up the same way for a date with her husband of many years as she does when it is a date with her boyfriend of a month. She wasn’t getting ready for the date while texting with the sitter and helping her kids with homework.

It is impossible to be in the same headspace as a prior version of yourself. This is particularly true if your hormones have massively shifted, e.g. with perimenopause or menopause. Certainly, this shouldn’t preclude putting effort into making plans, but if you are expecting your partner to act like someone in a romance novel, this is as unfair and unrealistic.

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In midlife, romance may look like a planned dinner date, with laughter and an attempt to talk about topics other than the kids. 

The restaurant may need to be closer to home, so you can get a good night’s sleep before waking up with the kids. Look for moments of connection that fit into your regular life, versus making the bar so high that the perfect becomes the enemy of the good.

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For example, some couples don’t go on vacations together because “the grandparents would never watch the kids for a week” and the only vacation they think would be “worth it” would be a trip of this length. However, the grandparents would readily watch the kids for Friday and Saturday nights (or for one night) so you could have a quick getaway to a nearby city for dinner, or a concert, and stay at a hotel overnight.

These sorts of mini trips can feel very romantic, and best of all, you do them, instead of not getting away together for ten years (something I commonly see in practice) because of the self-imposed limitation of “a week.” The same concept applies to almost any obstruction to romantic time together that couples can think of. Here are some self-imposed limits and how you can be more flexible and thereby actually create romance in your marriage:

• “She doesn’t want me to spend a lot because the kids’ tuition is so much, so I have to wait till they are out of school to get her a piece of jewelry that she would like” –> I will spend a few hundred dollars versus a few thousand and buy her something that she would like but that is less expensive
• “I don’t have the energy to go to dinner after a whole week” –> We can go to dinner much earlier, like 5 pm, or we can go to lunch instead
• “It’s difficult to get in the mood after date night, and I’m scared to go out because it will disappoint him if we aren’t intimate afterward” –> We will be intimate in the morning or afternoon that week, and then there is no pressure to do it late night.

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There are plenty of ways to be romantic that do not involve blocking off time together as well. Regular physical touch is extremely important to keeping relationships feeling connected and close, and these take intentional effort but barely any extra time.

Acts of service can also be very romantic, but not just the ones you do for the family anyway, like making the dinner you were going to make or fixing something in the home that is broken.

Making the cookies your husband likes or painting the basement in the color your wife prefers are acts of service that are specific to your partner and in tune with their desires. This is romantic because it is all about your spouse versus the family at large.

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Mid-life romance is mindful and intentional, which applies in the realm of compliments as well. 

Telling your wife that she looks nice will fade into the background if it’s just part of your daily routine. However, telling her that you love a specific outfit on her is romantic. Similarly, thanking your husband by rote for opening a can for you is not as romantic as saying that you appreciate how willing he is to help out whenever you ask. 

Here’s a little cheat sheet for what men would like to be complimented on and what women would. Overall, you can’t go wrong with pointing out something specific that is attractive about your partner, something they are particularly talented at, or a personality trait you admire about them (e.g., kind, smart, hardworking, generous, funny).

Overall, it is also useful to recognize that having kids at home keeps people in “parent mode” and this is biologically and evolutionarily expected and normal. There is a U curve of happiness across the lifespan, and happiness increases pretty much after the kids leave home, even though that’s also when menopause hits. 

Often, couples can feel much more romantically close after their kids are out of the house, and they can do whatever they want with their weekends and evenings, travel, and engage in hobbies and socializing at will. Even though desire and performance can change with age, for many happy couples, the increase in time spent together and the decrease in stress that accompanies empty nesting can compensate for hormonal changes.

In midlife (as at every stage), your marriage improves when you take time to notice and appreciate your partner, get time together when you can, and do things specifically to make them feel special. 

Time as a couple needs to be balanced with time as a family, and knowing that you are providing a good role model of a happy marriage for your children can help keep your motivation up to engage romantically even when you feel stressed or tired. Of course, couples therapy can help you right the ship if there are unhealed empathic ruptures or other dynamics that make you feel resentful and unwilling to connect.

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Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.