5 Instant Ways To Tell If Your Differences Are Good Or Bad For Your Relationship, According To Psychology
Differences can either help or harm your relationship — know the difference.
Gpoint Studio | Canva There are no crystal balls that predict relationship success. Should you and the person you want to spend the rest of your life with have a lot of interests in common? Do you need to be similar to stay in love and have a healthy, lasting relationship?
There are a few ways that you can find clarity about your situation and make some decisions moving forward. Compatibility is not enough for romantic love to last.
You need to have chemistry and attraction as well. And chemistry and attraction are not about your similarities. Rather, chemistry and attraction are created from the differences between the two of you.
Here are five ways to tell if your differences are good or bad for your relationship:
1. Differences that create attraction are good
Some differences help create attraction and others will get in the way of the two of you even connecting in the first place. For example, lifestyle differences can create a lack of compatibility and don’t add to chemistry or attraction. 2008 research from The American Psychological Association found that the biggest reason opposites attract is because of chemistry.
Having completely different socio-economic backgrounds and relationships to money and work will make it hard for the two of you to be on the same page together. An ambitious professional with an advanced degree is going to have very different life goals than someone whose interest in work is only about how it funds their weekend hobbies.
But if you both share a desire to spend your life traveling or gardening on the weekends, then what you do for employment won’t be an issue.
You will probably end up with someone who has a similar background and lifestyle as your own. However, there are energetic and personality differences that fuel chemistry and attraction.
2. Differences that create a connection are good
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Here is where you can begin to see how your differences are complementary. Two partners who are both laid back and easygoing may get along well but they won’t have the passion needed to grow together. Two passionate people can find themselves clashing too often and ultimately exhaust the relationship.
However, when you put someone easy-going together with someone who is passionate and fiery, then you can see how these qualities complement each other. The passionate partner brings fire to the relationship while the easy-going partner tempers the conflicts.
Introverts can find extroverts exciting and can be drawn out of their shell when they are together. Extroverts find introverts fascinating and deep and want to know more about what is going on inside. 2018 research from Seton Hall University found that introverts find extroverts' outgoing nature stimulating.
3. Differences that fuel balance are good
Every individual has both masculine and feminine energy, no matter their gender. You can draw on your masculine side or your feminine side depending on what is needed in a particular situation. In a romantic relationship, there needs to be a balance of masculine and feminine energy for the spark of chemistry to be present.
Two masculine energies together create the spirit of competition. Masculine energy is active and focused and the presence of another masculine energy in a relationship will create a competitive dynamic meant to challenge each other.
Two feminine energies are reciprocal. The feminine is responsive and reactive and is also about creating community. The presence of two feminine energies in a relationship creates a reciprocal friendship where the expectation is that each partner will share duties and responsibilities.
Attraction and chemistry come from opposing masculine and feminine energies. This dance of the masculine and feminine is an interchange between the strengths of both energies.
4. Differences that affect your core values are bad
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For a relationship to stand the test of time the two of you must share values. Unlike hobbies or interests that you can just ask about, discovering another person’s values only happens over time.
Couples who stay together through the inevitable challenges that show up can repair, reconnect, and strengthen their love because they can get behind a common goal and a shared vision they have created. Getting back on the same page is possible because they both value the same things.
Research from 2023 confirms that shared values can lead to higher levels of marital satisfaction. Many relationships end in divorce because the partners don’t share the same values about money, career goals, or the desire to raise a family.
Through the dating process, you’ll want to take your time, even when the chemistry is strong, to figure out if the two of you share the same values before committing. The most important time to ask, “Are we compatible?” is when you are discovering each other’s values.
5. Differences that make you lose respect are bad
Respect for your differences allows you to defer to one another’s strengths in the relationship. One of you might be better at managing money and the other might be more creative and fun. Or maybe one partner is great at organizing the home while the other is more inclined to raise the children.
No matter how your differences in strategy or style manifest themselves, make an effort to respect those differences and defer to the partner who is best suited for the task. This will create a mutual love and respect that will only deepen over time. Respect, as research from 2002 confirms, is a cornerstone of healthy relationships.
Orna and Matthew Walters are dating coaches and founders of Creating Love On Purpose with a holistic approach to transforming hidden blocks to love, and the authors of Getting It Right This Time.