6 Ways You Scare Men Off Before They Ever Have A Chance To Love You
Easy, girl.
Twinsterphoto / Shutterstock You’ve snagged yourself a GREAT guy. Congratulations!
You can hardly contain your excitement because YOU think the two of you make the most adorable couple ever.
As far as you’re concerned, he can’t help but LOVE you, and you’re going all out to make him see how perfect you are for him.
But now is the time to make sure you don’t blow it.
You’ve just entered the competitor phase of dating; you’re finally in the race (and, as far as you’re concerned, you have to win), in fact, you can already see the finish line (cue wedding bells).
But you’ve forgotten one thing — your hot date isn’t even on the starting block yet; he’s still trying on different running shoes.
Slow down, sweetie, before you end up scaring this great guy away!
Here are 6 ways you're rushing yourself right OUT of a relationship:
1. You tell everyone, including him, that you’re a couple.
You’ve only been dating a few weeks, but you’re already telling friends and family (HIS and yours) that you’re a couple. Worse still, you tell him that you're a couple.
No man (even the nice guys) like being dragged into a relationship before feeling ready or sure that's what he wants. Choosing to become a couple is a big step forward in a relationship, so don't force it.
Relax a little and enjoy the dating phase. Find out more about each other, and see if you truly share similar values and life goals (and not just an initial spark).
Right now, your new man just wants to get to know you better, and he wants the freedom to say you're not 'the one' if things don't work out ... (and, ultimately, so do you).
Pressuring him early on only makes him wary of your controlling behavior if he sticks around, and when it starts feeling like a trap, he’ll take off like a shot.
2. You keep asking him how he feels.
Here’s a heads-up, some men just don’t talk about their feelings, especially in the early days. It can take them longer to open up.
If you find him hard to 'read', it’s OK — you’re not meant to know him inside out yet.
Women love talking about feelings. But, men are 'doers' and they express their feelings with action rather than words. They're also still overcoming the intense social and familial conditioning of "real men" not showing or sharing their feelings.
So, it’s not that he doesn't have any feelings, he just isn’t able to articulate them the way you want to hear them.
So back off a bit. Let him communicate how he feels comfortable. With time and experience, it will become easier to know what he’s feeling, and he'll find it easier to express his feelings openly when he doesn't feel pressured by you.
3. You already act jealous.
You keep asking him where he is, what he’s doing, and who he’s with. You sound like his controlling mother and no man wants to date (or have sex) with his mother! When you hound him, you’re only putting a spotlight on your own insecurities.
Perhaps you think it shows that you care, but to him, it's a big red flag. This constant questioning is not good, because you're taking away his control by questioning everything he does, which creates a barrier between you both that will ultimately drive him away.
A man wants a woman confident in her own space and who trusts him to make his own decisions. Be the woman who gives her man the freedom to grow with you rather than without you.
4. You’re needy and demanding.
You’re desperate for daily signs that he still likes you: praise, attention, and compliments.
You keep bugging him, turning up places where he's hanging out, and buying him gifts. You’re chasing him with constant texts or emails or stalking him on Facebook. These things tell a man that you’re needy and demanding.
In the early stages of a relationship, just relax and find out if you’re attracted enough to each other to move things along to the next stage.
There's no rush — slow down and see how it goes. There’s no point forcing him into anything before you’ve both had a chance to see if you actually like each other yet. And while you're waiting, keep living your own life instead of trying to force your way into his.
5. You’re seriously high maintenance.
It’s early, but you’re already putting way too much pressure on the guy and expecting too much, too soon. You run his life; OK-ing who he sees, where he goes, how much time you spend together.
You expect him to pay for everything: dinner, drinks out, weekends away, gifts. You treat him like a cash machine and act as though you’re the most important person in the relationship, and in his life.
Perhaps you think he’s lucky to have you, and you’re showing this in the subtle ways, which make him feel inferior.
This kind of behavior crushes his freedom and his confidence. Dating is a joint venture, a relationship of equals, so you aren’t doing him a favor at all by dating him!
And by the way: Dropping not-so-subtle hints to your man about what you want takes away his ability to surprise you (and, thereby, prevents him from fully showing his feelings).
6. You think you’re all he needs.
If you try to stop your new man from seeing his friends, focusing on his job, or pursuing his interests ... that's a serious problem.
This is one of those insidious little behaviors your man might not notice at first. But, rest assured, his friends will. And they’ll start baying for your blood the moment they spot it.
When you try to drive his friends away or gradually remove him from his circle of friends, you’re telling your man that he should never need anyone else but you. You’re telling him that his friends are no longer good enough and, by implication, that he can’t make good decisions.
It’s not your place to decide who your man spends his time with. If you really can’t stand his friends, you might want to ask yourself if this is the ideal man for you. Maybe you're blind to the fact that your new man is no different from his friends.
But, no matter how excited you are, take a step back and make sure you don’t blow a good thing by scaring the crap out of your guy before he gets a chance to see how amazing you are.
Men don’t like feeling pressure (women don't either, for that matter). So if you’re acting like an entitled, controlling maniac-with-an-agenda already, this great guy will be gone before you know it.
Quality men want a chance to woo you, surprise you, and show you they care. Great men want to find a woman they can adore, a woman who knows how to give and (more importantly) receive love.
If he’s the right man, trust me, you won’t have to force him to love you, he’ll be chomping at the bit to do that without any coercion at all.
Jane Rapin is a former lawyer turned matchmaker and dating coach at The Love Cook. Download her free audio here, or contact her to find out more about how coaching can help you get (and keep) your perfect man!