7 Simple Ways To Get The Spark Back In Your Marriage, According To Research
Never forget how you felt in the beginning of the relationship.
Rahabi Khan | Unsplash In the beginning, when marriage is shiny and new and your life is all walking hand in hand to pick out throw pillows and grab brunch and talk future baby names, you don’t have to work to not be bored.
Things are naturally fresh and exciting. Over time, of course, life gets busy and new becomes routine. Boredom is a natural byproduct of this, especially when you forget to focus on your relationship.
“Many people look at the beginning of their relationships with fondness, but then life gets filled with work, carpools, school activities, etc.,” says William Schroeder, who runs the Austin-based counseling practice called Just Mind. “The relationship gets pushed to the background.”
Boredom can lead to bad decisions. Arguments. Resentment. Infidelity. If you find yourself bored in marriage, the key, according to research, is to take time for each other, even if it’s only small pockets, to get the spark back in your marriage.
Here are ways to get the spark back in your marriage:
1. Make eye contact
Eye contact is a cornerstone of nonverbal communication, one that is vital for relationships. It informs someone that they are the object of your attention, allows you to see them clearly, and feeds you those feel-good chemicals.
But many couples, per Slatkin, have a hard time doing it. The everyday distractions of kids, screens, and life in general tend to keep couples from doing this and, as a result, lose connection.
“Taking the time to gaze into your partner’s eyes is a refreshing reminder,” Slatkin says. “‘Oh, it’s you! Where have you been all this time?’ The deep intimate connection you experience, he says, will surely reignite the flame of a seemingly stale relationship.”
2. Take a trip together
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When you’re living your day-to-day life as a married couple, the scenery rarely changes. You see the same house, the same office, the same supermarket, day in and day out.
The lack of new places and new surroundings can rob a marriage of its excitement and sense of adventure. It’s essential to get out of town every once in a while, but perhaps more so to have something to look forward to on the calendar.
“Besides providing much-needed time away, traveling returns you refreshed and invigorated and hopeful that you can establish new patterns that help you avoid getting sucked back into the humdrum of everyday living,” says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, a licensed clinical professional counselor and the co-founder of the Marriage Restoration Project, which offers tips on how to get out of the black hole of boredom in marriage.
A 2022 study explained that taking a trip together can significantly benefit a marriage by fostering deeper intimacy, enhancing communication, creating shared experiences, and boosting overall relationship satisfaction. This is especially true when couples engage in new and exciting activities during their travels together. While a vacation can be beneficial, it is not a solution for deeper marital problems; addressing underlying issues through therapy may be necessary in some cases.
3. Walk down memory lane
In keeping with the idea of changing the scenery in their lives, couples need to visit places they used to frequent when dating.
Whether it's that happy hour spot with the dollar oysters, that dive bar with the crooked pool table, that hiking trail, a special out-of-the-way location, or any place from the past that takes the both of you back to the moment where you first felt that spark.
“By returning to that place and remembering those positive experiences,” Slatkin says, “you can relive in your mind and heart what happened.”
4. Learn something new together
Maybe it’s a language. Maybe it’s a welding class. Maybe it’s archery.
Whatever it is, learning new skills together is an easy way to spend time together. More so, learning new things stimulates your brain, creating new neural pathways and sparking excitement.
“Do it together with your spouse and the positive energy is compounded,” says Slatkin. “It also provides a fresh new experience that you can share.”
Getting educated together, often called collaborative or peer learning, provides many benefits, including enhanced motivation, a deeper understanding of concepts, improved social skills, increased self-efficacy, and a stronger sense of community. Research published by Cornell University explained that this is particularly true when individuals face similar challenges or share common goals.
5. Share positive energy
When was the last time you told your spouse how great he or she was? Slatkin recommends trying something he calls the “flooding exercise,” in which one spouse floods the other with positive affirmations and admiration.
The admiring spouse shares three physical characteristics, three behaviors, and three qualities they like about their spouse. They face their spouse, who is sitting down, share one item, and continue the process until they are finished.
“With each successive comment, they raise their voice and excitement level,” Slatkin says. “They then shout out a global affirmation of why they love their spouse so much. This exercise changes the energy in the room and the relationship and allows the spouse on the receiving end to truly feel cherished.”
6. Don’t neglect surprises
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What better way to break the routine than to do something that completely surprises your partner? Just hitting them with an unexpected gesture or action could ignite that feeling of excitement and anticipation that fueled the early days of your marriage.
Sometimes that unexpectedness, even more than the action itself, is what your partner is craving. It's the feeling of not knowing what might happen next.
“It could be something as simple as surprising them at work for a cup of coffee that can create the thrill that once swept you off your feet,” Slatkin says. Surprising your partner can significantly benefit a relationship by boosting happiness, appreciation, and connection. The unexpected positive experience triggers a dopamine release in the brain, creating a feel-good response.
A 2021 PNAS study explained that it can also signal attentiveness and deepen intimacy by showing that you're paying attention to their interests and desires, making them feel valued and special.
7. Show genuine appreciation
As anyone who’s been in a long-term relationship can tell you, saying the right thing matters. Just as the wrong words can upend a marriage, the right words can restore it.
If couples can take just a little more time sharing what is good about their relationship, they will shift their focus away from what might be boring.
“The light of appreciation can push away a lot of darkness in a relationship,” Slatkin says. “Taking a few minutes every day to share what you appreciate and why will do wonders for your relationship.”
Jeremy Brown is a writer and editor. His writing has appeared in many magazines, websites, and newspapers around the world and he has authored special issues for TV Guide and the Discovery Channel, among more.