5 Ways To Get More From A Crappy Marriage
Can independence exist within a marriage?
RossHelen | Canva Sometimes you must gain your own space and independence from a marriage that is either disconnected or conflictual. When your marriage takes up a lot of your brain space (you are likely the preoccupied or fearful-avoidant partner if you are reading this), you often wish you weren’t so tied to what your partner does, says, or thinks. This advice helps you with small practical ways to focus less on your relationship in ways that will ironically end up helping your relationship.
Here are 5 ways to get more from a crappy marriage:
1. Get a hobby
Men always like and appreciate this advice. However, I understand that many women especially feel like they can’t do anything “for themselves” and I am much the same… my hobbies always involve the kids or are things I can do in little bits of time that I’m not working or with kids. I advise men to stop telling their wives to get a hobby for this reason among others. But your hobby doesn’t have to be a Big Deal. It can be cooking a new cuisine, baking cake pops once a week, deciding you are going to get your step count up on weekends, or reading two novels a month. Anything that makes you feel like you are a human being apart from an unhappy partner.
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2. Individual therapy
If you are in couples' therapy and it’s not going anywhere, or your partner refuses to go, your own individual therapy journey, particularly focused on your family of origin, can be transformational. When you recognize that you are subconsciously repeating relationship patterns that you learned in your home growing up, it is much easier to zoom out and see your relationship more objectively.
This allows you to have self-empathy and understand that if you learned maladaptive relationship skills as a kid, it’s not your fault that you are replicating them now … but you can learn functional skills instead and break the cycle for your kids. Remember, if you fight fairly on your end, then your partner often becomes self-conscious if they fight unfairly with the “new you” and act better … even without their individual or couple's work.
3. Read some 'bigger picture' books
Again, zoom out and see that your relationship isn’t the be-all and end-all. You have one life, and owe it to yourself to make it the best you can. A philosophical change of heart where you truly understand that life is finite can make you keenly aware of whether you want to stay in your marriage, work on it, or leave it. Some books I recommend like this are Man’s Search For Meaning by Victor Frankl and, trust me on this one, Die With Zero by Bill Perkins (recommended to me by a client and it was great!).
4. Focus on your health
Go to the neurologist if you have had migraines for years. Go to the gastroenterologist if you have stomach issues that have plagued you forever. Stop drinking so much if you use it for self-medication. A bad marriage can distract you from focusing on yourself and your actual needs as a human being. If you’re in crappy health, then you also feel you have no options but to stay in an unhappy marriage because who else would put up with you anyway. This is incorrect, but focusing on your health and improving it can make you feel stronger and more independent in all ways, and make staying in your marriage a choice versus something you feel you are stuck with given your physical weakness.
5. Make some more friends
When you’re in a bad marriage, it can make you feel like you should focus only on that, and then, at some later undefined date, you will focus on more peripheral relationships. This is not true and can keep you feeling immobilized and depressed. Social support is incredibly important to all people … yes, even introverts. I’m an introvert so I know. Having a few people to hang out with or play a sport with (this is a common way for men to build friendships) can transform your mood, self-esteem, and mental health.
As you can see, all of these pieces of advice are designed to help you grow stronger, more self-aware, and more confident. This can sometimes help your marriage in and of itself; so many people think their marriage sucks when the reality is that they have untreated depression. And sometimes, it can give you the boost you need to refocus on the marriage, and whether you should stay in it, at a later date and from a more objective and healthy vantage point.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.