5 Ways To De-Escalate A Fight Without Telling Someone To 'Calm Down'
Try these strategies instead.
dimaberlinphotos | Canva Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and heard (or said) the phrase, "Calm down!" You might not know it, but saying, "calm down" is one of the most infuriating things you can say in a conflict with an upset person.
It's not only dismissive of the other person's feelings, but it can also come off as controlling or just plain rude. But, what if you truly do need the other person to calm down? Are there better ways to get this message across?
Saying 'calm down' never calmed anyone down. Licensed therapist Jeff Guenther discusses the five alternative things you can say instead.
Here are 5 ways to de-escalate a fight without telling someone to "calm down":
1. Start with, "I feel".
When your partner is emotiolnally agitated or arguing with you, it's easy to say, "Calm down," even if that's not exactly what you mean. Which is why you should try expressing how you feel instead. Tell your partner, "I feel overwhelmed, or I feel anxious."
Guenther then advises us to say, "I wanna understand more about why you're feeling this way. Can we take a five-minute break first?"
2. Ask, "Can you slow down?"
When your partner is consumed by anger, you might begin to notice their speech increase or their words slur, as shown in 2017 research on speech recognition patterns. Our automatic response to this might be asking them to calm down — but is this actually what we mean?
If not, try saying, "Can you slow down? I'm getting overwhelmed and having a hard time understanding what you're saying," suggests Guenther.
3. Speak frankly and explain, "I'm shutting down".
Arguing can be overwhelming, even for the strongest of us. You see, arguments are intense and can easily become belittling the longer they go on without a break.
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Which is why there is no shame in saying, "I'm feeling overwhelmed and like I'm about to shut down. Can we take a time out," says Guenther. Saying this protects your mental health and prevents your partner from doing or saying something they'll later come to regret.
4. Ask them, "How can I support you?"
"You're upset? That makes sense. I wanna know more about why you're hurt. Can I give you a hug first?" Guenther advises as another alternative. But for those who have partners that aren't as affectionate, you can always simply ask, "How can I support you?"
Either way, the message of wanting to support your partner during those tough times and emotions still gets across.
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5. Just stay silent.
Sometimes, the best thing to say is to simply say nothing at all. Guenther suggests, "Let them express themselves in whatever way they want."
As long as there is respect and you feel emotionally secure, there isn't always a need to say or do something during an argument. The reality is, sometimes your partner just wants to feel heard and that's more than OK.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.