100 Ways To Connect Intimately With Your Partner
Having a hard time connecting with your partner? Here are 100 ideas.
Eugene Symonenko / Shutterstock Frequently, couples come into counseling feeling lonely and disconnected. They tell me that they don’t talk or connect much during the course of an average day. I think this is a real issue, but their thresholds for what they consider “connected” may not be reasonable.
When you’re not in the honeymoon stage anymore and instead in “monotogamy,” it’s tough to feel that spark or constant unspoken (or spoken) level of intimacy and connection. Kids can make this even worse; they interrupt conversations, need things all the time, and even all their sweet cuddling can leave parents (especially moms) feeling “touched out.”
The positive news is that it doesn’t actually take that much time to rekindle feelings of closeness. But it does take intentionality and commitment to take a small amount of time each day to maintain or rebuild your connection.
Since you guys really liked my 100 date night questions post, I will now give you 100 small ways to show your partner you love him or her and to increase feelings of connection and intimacy. Share with your partner and check off which ones you would each like.
Or just keep the list to yourself and use some of these ideas as surprises. (For bonus points, figure out your partner’s Love Language and tailor your activity choices to their love language.)
Here are 100 ways to connect intimately with your partner:
1. Send your partner a cute card in the mail
We need to be excited about opening letters again.
2. When you’re filling up your car with gas, run into the Mini Mart and buy your partner their favorite snack
Get one for yourself too.
3. Pack your partner’s lunch
Leave a little note in there too.
4. Put a note in your partner’s bag or coat pocket
Draw little hearts on it.
5. Clean your partner’s car, inside or outside
Don't mention all the McDonald's napkins you find.
6. Initiate sex
This works for you too.
7. Find a movie that your partner would really like and watch it together
And don't talk during it.
8. Compliment your partner in front of the kids/other people
It will show them what a healthy relationship looks like.
9. Email your partner a happy memory of your life together
It could bring a smile to your face too.
10. Get a picture of you and your partner framed for his/her desk or nightstand
Make sure they look good in it.
11. Email your partner a selfie
Clothing optional. Can also be funny. Well, if it’s naked, don’t make it funny. Otherwise, you can make it funny.
12. Call or visit someone your partner wishes you were closer to
Call one of their parents.
13. Tell your partner about the nicest thing they did for you today
Bring in some positivity.
14. French kiss your partner
Maybe not that much tongue.
15. Bring your partner a special drink from Starbucks
Make sure to get it right.
16. Bake something for your partner
It's okay to use a recipe.
17. Buy your partner a bottle of champagne to celebrate a random anniversary
The day you moved into your house? The day you bought your betta fish? Your 10.5-year anniversary?
18. Draw your partner a stick figure picture of the two of you
Make it funny.
19. Write your partner a list of their most attractive qualities
Really get specific.
20. Tell everyone to leave the last piece of dessert for your partner, instead of giving it to the kids
Don't give in to their pleading.
21. Take a walk together
Get those steps in.
22. Put on your wedding song or a song that is meaningful to both of you
Dance in your kitchen to it.
23. Shower together
Everyone loves this.
24. Decide to learn more about something your partner is into
Something like their hobby or exercise or books they are reading.
25. Book a babysitter, as a surprise
Take them out to dinner.
26. Research new restaurants that your partner would like
Try different cuisines.
27. Make your partner a hot breakfast
Time to learn how to make pancakes.
28. Give your partner a big hug
You could use it too.
29. Go in late to work and get coffee with your partner at a cafe
Pretend it's your first date again.
30. Come home during naptime, if your partner stays home with the kids
Bring chocolate.
31. Hang a banner to welcome your partner home
Even just from work.
32. Write a Facebook status about how great your partner is
Ignore haters.
33. Find a picture from when you and your partner first met
Leave it where he/she can find it as a surprise.
34. Buy new clothes for yourself that you know your partner would like on you
You look good, and they can see it.
35. Buy new clothes for your partner that are in the style they like (not what you want them to like)
Everyone loves new clothes.
36. Buy or make your partner a cookie shaped like a heart
It's cheesy, but it works.
37. When the kids annoy your partner, intercept and get them onto another floor of the house doing a quiet activity
Unless you’re Super Nanny, this means TV.
38. Share a sexual fantasy with your partner via text
Time to turn up the spice.
39. Plan an activity you would generally do with kids, but do it with your partner only
Like, a corn maze or a zoo.
40. Buy your partner a few lottery tickets for fun
Who knows what you could win?
41. Send your partner a letter through the mail
You're gonna have to buy stamps.
42. Give your partner a massage
Maybe you can get one too.
43. Make the bed the way your partner prefers it
They'll notice it.
44. Leave a Post-it on your partner’s computer, saying something nice
About their personality, the way they make you feel, etc.
45. Tell your partner why you are lucky to have him or her
It'll make them feel appreciated.
46. Let your partner pick the TV show
Even if it's one you don't like.
47. Sing a song into your partner’s voicemail
Then text them not to delete without listening.
48. Have the kids make a special picture for your partner
Be around to help them.
49. Serve your partner first at dinner, not the ravenous animal kids
Then feed the kids, maybe.
50. Tell your partner a way that knowing them has improved you as a person
That's one of the greatest joys of love.
51. Text your partner a cheesy joke that will make him/her laugh
And keep making them laugh.
52. Ask what your partner’s favorite meal is, and make it
Even if it's not good, at least you tried.
53. Buy your partner a new one of whatever they have that is wearing out
Pair of gloves? Hat? Bag?
54. Dance around the living room with your partner
Bonus points if it's in your underwear.
55. Ask your partner how they always deal so well with X situation that overwhelms you
It's good to plan.
56. Ask your partner to teach you something that they know and you don’t
Like how to bake brownies, how to trade stocks, how to ski, and how to remember the kids’ schedules (haha).
57. Do a striptease for your partner
Bonus if you’re a guy and it’s a funny one.
58. Find and display a childhood photo of your partner that makes you smile
This could be really cute, or really embarrassing.
59. Research places for you and your partner to take a trip without the kids, even if this will be in 10 years
Planning could be romantic.
60. Research places for you and your partner to retire, and send them the links to check them out
Make sure it's a place you both agree on.
61. Hit on your partner in a public place as though he/she is a stranger
This could lead to some fun.
62. Buy your partner cologne or perfume, if they wear it
Make sure it's one you love too.
63. Surprise your partner at work with food delivery for lunch if they are having a bad day
Grab yourself a Chinese cookie too.
64. Ask your partner to play a board game with you tonight
There are so many options.
65. Put a Hershey’s Kiss in your partner’s lunch
It's a sweet treat.
66. Write a haiku for your partner
Make sure it's cute too, and learn the rules.
67. Make an appointment for a massage for your partner (if they like massages done by others)
Book one for you too.
68. Figure out a secret code word with your partner that means “I want to have sex tonight.”
Use in public.
69. 69
Too easy.
70. Get your partner a book that they would like but that they haven’t read yet
Just go to Amazon and type in their favorite book and see what else Amazon recommends that’s similar. Amazon = omniscient.
71. Go to your neighborhood Paint a Pot place and paint pottery together
I hope you know how to glaze.
72. Go to your closest Arthur Murray and take a trial ballroom dancing lesson
Have your Jane Austen moment.
73. Go bowling
Enough said.
74. Bring home three bottles of wine and create a wine tasting for your partner
Actually, I should have made this one #68 because if you finish all three bottles, you might be up to 69.
75. Clean the refrigerator, if you’re the spouse that never ever does this
Helpful hint, if it's expired, it's bad.
76. Donate some stuff, if you’re the almost-a-hoarder partner
Get that tax break.
77. Send your partner a link to a YouTube video of a romantic song or a band that they like
Make sure it's work appropriate.
78. Send your partner a picture of a cute animal
And tell them, "It's you."
79. Plan a day out that you and your partner can look forward to, in a few weeks or even months
It'll make the time pass quicker.
80. Replace your partner’s toothbrush for them
That thing can get gross.
81. Get your partner a mug that says World’s Best Husband/Wife/Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Tell them it's true.
82. Tell your partner that you were talking with your coworkers and you realized you have the best partner of any of them
Really talk them up too.
83. Make a tally of the number of times you think about your partner during the day and present him/her with the piece of paper later that evening
Think about them a lot.
84. Call your partner “my beautiful/handsome husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend” in normal conversation
They'll love it.
85. If your partner likes crafting, craft with them
Even if you’re a guy and we’re talking scrapbooking here.
86. Have a stay-date
You put out candles, wine, cheese, and crackers after the kids go to bed and turn on the music.
87. If you’re not the partner who cares the most about household tasks, say, “I want to do whatever project you want me to do tonight. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
It's always good to ask for guidance.
88. Write down five things you thought about your partner when you were first getting to know him/her, and leave this as a surprise note
Be specific.
89. Buy your partner whatever you were going to get him/her for Christmas on some random day instead
Then get something else for Christmas, even if it’s small.
90. Try out some of that weird stuff in the condom aisle at Rite Aid
Get freaky at your local drugstore.
91. Collect what needs to be dry-cleaned in your partner’s closet and get it dry cleaned
Don't forget to pick it up.
92. Compliment your partner
Something that isn’t physical.
93. Compliment your partner
Something that is physical.
94. Make your partner a hot chocolate
No matter the weather.
95. Make your partner a hot toddy
Maybe they'll know what it is.
96. Figure out your partner’s spirit animal and send them a picture of it
I have no idea what I mean by this but I know it would make a funny email.
97. Learn how to say, “I want to sleep with you” in a different language and say it to your partner
Learn some swear words too.
98. Buy your partner whatever candy they liked most as a kid
Get yourself a Skittles.
99. Exercise with your partner
You might hate it.
100. Send this list to your partner and ask which would be their favorite
Hopefully, it's one of them.
Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Never, Ever, Runs Out of Ideas.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.