15 Signs Your Partner Is Codependent, Backed By Psychology
It's not healthy to need someone that much.
Tharakorn arunothai | Canva There’s nothing inherently wrong with being needy. After all, everyone uses someone to get their needs met. But there's one word that tends to get thrown around a lot, which, when people stop and ask what it means, most people don’t seem to know: Codependent.
Psychotherapist Leon F. Seltzer writes that, in a codependent relationship, “Two individuals lean so heavily on one another that both of them are left off-balance... The relationship is reciprocal only in that it enables both of them to avoid confronting their worst fears and self-doubts.” This leaves both partners feeling “alone, inadequate, insecure, and unworthy.”
What are the signs your partner is codependent and, as a result, unhappy in the relationship? There are certain indicators to pay attention to.
Here are the signs your partner is codependent:
1. They seem to have a knack for choosing the wrong person
Do they always fall for the “fixer-uppers”? Everyone knows the ones: the chronically underemployed, the alcoholics, and the ones with untreated depression or other mental health issues.
Codependent people love a "project" of sorts. They’re drawn to needy partners they think they can fix, and who seem likely to depend on them. If they're frequently finding themselves in relationships where they seek to "improve" their partner, it's a big sign they're codependent.
2. They struggle with low self-esteem
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People who don’t feel good about themselves often feel like no one will love them unless they make themselves indispensable. To make up for their low self-esteem, they give too much and never stop to ask if they deserve to have their needs met, too.
Low self-esteem is a common sign of being codependent, so if they're constantly putting their partner or others before their own needs, it might be time to consider that they're codependent. Struggling with low self-esteem is considered a significant indicator of codependency. Individuals with codependent tendencies often derive their self-worth from the approval of others.
Research published by Northstar Behavioral Health explained how this leads to a deep-seated need for validation and a lack of personal value, resulting in low self-esteem. To gain acceptance and avoid rejection, individuals with low self-esteem may engage in people-pleasing behaviors, further perpetuating codependent dynamics.
3. They obsess about their partner all the time
Sure, it’s normal to think about one's partner throughout the day. After all, when someone is deeply in love with someone, of course, they're going to be on their mind!
But if they’re unable to concentrate on anything else because they’re obsessively re-reading their texts, wondering if this person will call, and mentally replaying their last interaction, that’s not healthy.
4. When their partner is upset, it makes them upset
If something is going on with their partner, it drives them to absolute distraction. Their partner may be only mildly upset, but they’re absolutely beside themself, discussing their partner’s problem with their friends as if it were their problem.
If they're sensitive to the energies of other people, it's normal to experience heightened emotions in situations like this. But codependent individuals, need to learn that there’s a difference between caring about their partner’s feelings and taking them on themself.
Experiencing heightened distress when their partner is upset can be a significant sign of codependency. It reflects an unhealthy tendency to prioritize their partner's emotional state over their own. This often stems from a deep need to fix or care for them at the expense of their well-being and emotional boundaries.
Feeling concerned or wanting to support their partner when upset is normal and healthy. However, a study published in Current Psychology concluded that when this concern becomes overwhelming and interferes with their emotional well-being, it could indicate a codependent pattern.
5. They don’t have a lot of interests outside of their relationship
When they started dating their partner, everything else got pushed aside. They lost themself in their relationship, neglecting relationships and other responsibilities.
Friends, hobbies, and their weekly night out are now not as important as their relationship. They cancel things to keep their evenings open for their partner, even if the two of them don’t have plans yet.
In healthy relationships, it's essential to have a life outside of one another. That's how one maintains independence, rather than codependence.
6. They are always in crisis mode
They’re the go-to person when everything hits the fan. They seem to function better in crisis mode than they do in their everyday life. And that's because they may feel like they're always in crisis mode, especially in their relationship.
When something goes wrong, they're the ones trying to put out those metaphorical fires. And while it's not healthy behavior, it's certainly a major sign they're codependent.
Psychological research on codependency published in Perspectives in Psychiatric Care highlighted excessive admiration for someone's ability to fix problems or take on responsibility in a crisis, especially when it comes at the expense of their own needs.
7. They always have an answer for everything
They pride themself on knowing what to do and how to help people. They consider themself a "fixer," especially in their romantic relationships, but with their friendships and familial relationships as well. But if they’re wrong, and they believe they never are, it’s not their fault, so they never feel the need to apologize.
8. They have a hard time opening up to people
Because they’ve got such a warm and caring personality, other people find it easy to open up to them. And while they might think they know their partner, they’re keeping them at arm’s length, afraid to let people get close.
That's because they harbor a fear of expressing themself, as doing so may scare other people away. They choose instead to bottle up their feelings and practice emotional constraint, a trait very common among codependent individuals.
Difficulty opening up to people, particularly when combined with other behaviors like excessive caretaking or a strong need for approval, can be a significant sign of codependency. Research published in the International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction found that it often stems from deep-seated insecurities and a struggle to maintain healthy relationship boundaries. While it can be a sign of codependency, it's crucial to consider the context and other behaviors to make an accurate assessment.
9. They feel unhappy a lot of the time and don’t know why
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Taking care of other people and never doing anything to take care of themself takes a toll after a while. How can they expect to recharge emotionally when they give everything to other people, never stopping to work on themselves?
10. They're secretly afraid that no one loves or needs them
As much energy as they spend trying to make everyone happy and meet everyone’s needs, they still worry that, deep down, people don’t love them — and they don’t need them, either. Codependent people often have an intense fear of abandonment, which can lead to staying in toxic or unfulfilling relationships as a result.
A pervasive fear of not being truly loved by others is a significant sign of codependency. This fear stems from deep-seated insecurities and a strong need for external validation.
It often leads individuals to prioritize their partner's needs over their own to maintain the relationship and avoid perceived abandonment. Research published in the American Journal on Addictions concluded that to combat the fear of rejection, codependent individuals might excessively cater to their partner's needs, neglecting their desires and boundaries.
11. They have a habit of keeping secrets and hiding the truth
Telling the whole truth often makes other people unhappy and results in conflict. And for them, conflict is scary, because they're all about being a people-pleaser and making sure no disagreements arise.
To avoid any type of conflict, they play fast and loose with the truth and keep secrets they’re afraid might hurt people. Even though, in the end, they're making the situation worse.
12. They rarely think about what they want
How can they know what they want when they’re so busy worrying about what their partner, their family, and everyone else wants? This is one of the biggest signs they're codependent, where they never put themself and their needs first.
13. They don't ask for help
They love to jump in and help other people, doing everything they can to make sure their situations or problems are resolved. But when it comes to needing help for themself, they're reluctant to ask.
Experience has taught them it’s a bad idea to rely on others. They can only rely on themself. And if this is the thought pattern they have, they might be codependent.
14. They know exactly what's wrong with everyone else
There’s a saying in 12-step recovery programs: “Let it begin with me.” But they’d rather let it begin with someone else — and they know just where they should start. They’ve got great plans for fixing other people’s lives, but don't quite have the answers for fixing their own.
A strong tendency to readily identify and analyze others' problems, often accompanied by a desire to fix them, can be a sign of codependency. It reflects an excessive focus on others' needs at the expense of one's own, stemming from a potential underlying need for validation and control in relationships. Research published by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) showed that individuals exhibiting codependent patterns tend to be highly attuned to their partners' emotional states, often prioritizing their partner's needs over their own.
15. They panic when they have to make life decisions
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While they’re prepared to tell everybody else what they should do and how they can remedy any conflicts, when it comes to making decisions about their own life, they become indecisive, even paralyzed. Because they don’t know what they want, they’re terrified of making the wrong choice.
16. They give until they can’t give anymore
When their cup is empty, it’s empty, and there's no refill in sight. They’re generous, kind, loving, understanding, and patient... until they suddenly snap. They become bitter and angry, which, in turn, makes them feel guilty.
As such, they end up withdrawing altogether because they don’t know how to fix things. And because any kind of conflict makes them uncomfortable, they're at a loss for what to do next.
Codependent behavior tends to be rooted in childhood and frequently crops up in families affected by addiction or mental illness. Children in these households learn early on that they can’t rely on their parents to give them what they need; they often assume a caretaker role in an attempt to keep the peace in a chaotic home.
So, what do we call the perfectly natural and healthy neediness we all have for each other that makes us seek out relationships in the first place and feel so good when it’s reciprocated? That’s “interdependence,” and it’s different from codependence.
Interdependence indicates a healthy dependency, one that doesn’t involve neglecting one's own needs, trying to control other people, or making oneself miserable in the name of trying to make someone else happy.
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