How To Unlock Your Marriage's Superpower With 5 Simple Questions
Questions designed by a therapist to connect and challenge you together.
Jonathan Borba | Unsplash Do wedding vows lead to a good marriage? What about a fairytale relationship that ends 'happily ever after?' Anyone who is married has experienced the challenges couples inevitably face in their relationships and might be tempted to scoff at the idea of happily ever after.
One of the best ways to improve your marriage is by thinking of meaningful questions to ask your partner and yourself. These questions help you connect and challenge your perspective on your relationship. Are you ready to ensure that your marriage will increase your odds of being richer in happiness, health, and money, too?
Here are 5 simple questions that unlock a marriage's superpowers.
1. Are we having enough fun together?
Couples who play together are more likely to stay together. Even just twenty minutes of talking together after the kids are in bed will do so much to refresh your connection. Brainstorm some conversation questions throughout the day to get the most out of this time. Add the occasional date night and some weekend fun without the kids, and you'll up the odds in your favor that your good marriage will stay that way.
The way you spend time together, though, does matter. If your free time together ends up with each of you having an affair with the TV or computer, turn them off. Face each other instead of facing the strangers on the screen. Spend less time back-to-back and more time face-to-face to reap the full benefits of eye-to-eye, smile-to-smile, and maybe even skin-to-skin connecting.
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2. Do we communicate in ways that leave us both feeling safe and loved?
This is one of the top overlooked. Yet, vital relationship questions. Do you show one another fondness and compassion? Do you say "yes" far more frequently than you say "but" or "no"? How often do you express appreciation, hug each other, and share smiles? The more positives, the more you will likely get the goodies.
The more you radiate sunshine to each other, the more happiness, health, and wealth you enjoy. The flip can also happen. Emotional cold weather with criticism or silence, outbursts of stormy anger, or financial difficulties can drag you both down. Still, the more you continue to radiate sunshine to each other, the less painful occasional negative emotions or money shortages will feel. Sharing positives makes it more likely you will end up with higher total emotional, physical, and financial health.
3. Are we setting ourselves up for fulfilling intimate time?
The best things in life are free. Good sex may not be enough to make a good marriage, but if sexual sharing is rare or absent, your connection may become fragile. As a saying from the early days of the women’s liberation movement goes, "Sex is a positive way of spending time."
But it doesn't come from nowhere. A sex life that remains rewarding over years of partnership means setting yourself up for time, space, comfort, and emotional security. After all, the sexiest part of the body is the mind, but stress, resentment, and overwhelm are not ingredients for great sex.
4. What new experiences would enrich our lives?
Novelty strengthens partnerships. Anything new you do together — a new game, exercise routine, shared volunteer project — can enhance your attachment.
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5. Are we apologizing and taking responsibility ... and forgiving each other?
Healthy partners use healing apology skills after conflicts. Admitting mistakes and learning from them goes a long way toward turning upsets into opportunities for an ever-better marriage. Talking effectively about differences, responding to each others' concerns, and creating win-win solutions add to partnership peacemaking.
How well do you communicate with your partner, especially after tough times?
Statistics quoted in Waite and Gallagher’s The Case for Marriage confirm spouses who succeed in building a reasonably healthy marriage are likely to enjoy longer lives than unmarried or unhappily married folks. They are likely to enjoy better health, too. What other benefits of marriage are there? Can being married, for instance, bring financial prosperity? According to the multiple research studies cited in The Case for Marriage, the answer is a resounding "yes". Financial payoffs for married couples are many. Married couples, in general, make more money than their single counterparts. They also save more money.
Single-parenting and divorce, by contrast, can offer a fast route downhill into poverty. Fortunately for single parents struggling to rise above the subsistence level, marriage could offer a fast lane into a financial comfort zone. With all of the benefits of marriage, investing time in building a better relationship with your significant other makes sense.
What's the takeaway? Sign yourself up for great life benefits by living in a loving marriage.
Some maintenance, however, is required. Treasure the pleasures in your marriage, build the skills to sustain goodwill, and remember, after upsetting moments, that learning from mistakes is part of cherishing each other. Then, enjoy the windfall!
Dr. Susan Heitler is a clinical psychologist and author. She is a subject matter expert in breaking bad habits and unhealthy behaviors.