The #1 Most Underrated Trait To Look For In A Life-Long Partner
This might be the most important element of a healthy relationship, but it's so often overlooked.
Strelciuc Dumitru | Canva We all make mistakes and so do our partners. What separates a mature response from an immature reaction is a too-rare ability to apologize and do better next time.
I have asked thousands of women, and they all want and need an apology and a commitment to do better the next time from their partners when something goes wrong. This large sampling of women would be less likely to criticize, break up, or retaliate in any other way if their partner would only make amends.
And yet, the ability to apologize and make meaningful amends rarely appears on women's list of "must have" qualities in a partner. Why?
Four reasons a great apologizer makes a great partner
1. They empathize and understand their partner's pain
An example of empathy: “I can imagine how furious you felt when I did x/y/z because you need to be able to trust me and that I’ll keep my promises, right?”
Another example of empathy: “I’m guessing you felt hopeless when you noticed I hadn’t done x/y/z because I had promised I would do it before the deadline, yes?”
This works not because he has fixed the problem or repaired any of the issues that were created. This is powerful because of the deep emotional connection, which has the effect you no longer feel as if he doesn’t hear you and doesn’t care about your needs.
2. They demonstrate that they understand they made a regrettable choice
This does not mean giving someone an opportunity to exploit the vulnerability necessary to make a great apology. It simply means showing you understand why it's important to your partner.
An example of a successful apology: “I so regret that I forgot to do x/y/z by yesterday’s deadline, I know how important this is to you.
Another example of a successful apology: “I truly regret that x/y/z/ wasn’t done, which I know I had promised to do.
3. They don't get defensive or try to explain away the problem.
Examples of explaining and defending that are never going to work are:
An example of explaining: “I didn’t do x/y/z because I realized it wouldn’t solve the problem. So I decided to do a/b/c instead.”
An example of defending: “I would have done x/y/z but I had to go to work/ buy grocery store instead.”
Fixing the problem: While empathizing and apologizing are very powerful and are the first steps after you’ve heard them a few times, what matters to most wives is the following statement accompanied by an expression of humility and commitment to fixing the problem. In 12-step programs this is included in “making amends” and it works.
An example of commitment to fixing the problem: “I am 1000% committed to eliminating that old habit. Starting today I promise to do what I promise within the deadline we both agree is needed.
Another example of commitment to fixing the problem: “I promise that by dd/mm I will complete x/y/z and let you know right away when it’s completed.”
Will those words heal your relationship? Empathy and apologizing clear the air and get the relationship on solid ground again. Otherwise, you may have what I call “a house of cards resting on quicksand” which describes a “relationship” that isn’t a relationship at all.
Xiang Loong Yip via Shutterstock
4. They allow personal evolution to transform the problem
If your partner means well but can’t follow through there is a solution. If you find you’re fighting about this instead of resetting the conversation and making a new agreement then either of you can learn how to motivate and inspire the other to more successful actions.
- Your partner can learn to calm down and make sure he has heard your concerns and why you’re upset. Then after he has calmed you, together you can solve any problem in a simple process.
- He can take a longer and deeper look at his programming and learn to pivot from evasion/anger/denials etc. so he isn’t on an endless hamster wheel of broken promises and apologies and empty declarations about the future.
Otherwise, you’ll end up hearing the same apology again and again and lose patience until eventually he loses you!
Susan Allan is a Life Coach whose Evolution Revolution Trainings offer proven tools to experience joy, and happiness and let go of suffering.