The Unconscious Question People Ask In Every Relationship
Everyone of us is different, but there are some basic needs we all share.
Vladimir Vladimirov / Getty Images Signature via Canva Hoping through relationships, many of us find ourselves grappling with a recurring question.
According to Mark Groves, Human Connection Specialist, founder of Create the Love, co-author of Liberated Love and host of the Mark Groves Podcast, "This question often triggers a negative response, leaving us feeling insecure and anxious."
So, what question is this and how can we flip the script to foster a better relationship?
The Unconscious Question People Ask In Every Relationship
According to Groves, people will unconsciously question the safety of their relationship. They'll think, "Am I safe to be myself? Will my partner still be there if I open myself up?"
Unfortunately, many people will come to a negative conclusion. Through this, they may develop negative coping strategies to compensate for their lack of safety. Though this seems helpful it only fuels to make your anxiety and depression worse.
So, where does this concern stem from?
According to Growing Self Counseling and Coaching, "People who struggle with low self-esteem may find it hard to feel safe in relationships because they always anticipate rejection.”
Insecurity can stem from a fear of vulnerability or imperfection. If they don't feel good enough, they may come tp believe they aren't worthy of love.
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"It can also come from life circumstances," writes Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. Not happy where they are at in life, they begin to become intimidated by those around them.
Instead of addressing these issues, they hide their true selves and imperfections. But this doesn't last forever. Soon insecure people lash out, destroying their otherwise healthy relationship.
Many of us don't want to intentionally destroy our relationships or hurt our partners. So, how can we create a better sense of safety in our relationships?
Creating Safety In Relationships
"Creating a sense of safety starts with you," says Groves. If you don't bring up your concerns how do you expect to change anything?
Although intimidating it's important to understand that your partner is there to support you. So, don't be afraid to sit down and tell them what's on your mind.
As psychologist Jeffrey Berstein says, "The best way to create emotional security is to express empathy and support. Remind yourself that your words have the power to help shape your reality."
So, when you're finished expressing your concerns, let your partner know you appreciate them. "Express gratitude and let them know how much their understanding has contributed to your sense of security," says Bernstein.
Next, we must challenge our negative thoughts. Question those thoughts that tell you that your partner doesn't care.
Then reflect on all the positive actions your partner has taken and remind yourself of the genuine support they provide.
Finally, remain consistent with your behavior. Understand that emotional security begins with your actions. "If you consistently express negatively, you can't expect emotional security to form in your relationship," says Berstein.
Take a breather or take a break if you feel overwhelmed. When you've calmed down re-approach the conversation calmly and kindly.
By recognizing your unconscious thoughts regarding safety, you can better address and cultivate a healthier relationship with your partner.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.