6 Types Of Affairs People Have Without Even Realizing It
Cheating isn't always physical.
golubovy | Canva While some men and women have numerous affairs over a lifetime, most have affairs for different reasons, at different stages of their lives. According to principal psychologist and counselor at The Relationship Room, Rachel Voysey, there are six main types of affairs, and if we believe the statistics that say about 40% of people will stray outside of their primary relationship, then that is a lot of infidelity happening right now!
I spoke in depth with Voysey, a supporter of the research and methods of the world’s most well-known and esteemed relationship counselor, Dr. John Gottman, to learn more about the six key affair types and why they happen repeatedly.
The types of affairs people have without even realizing it:
1. The emotional affair
This emotional affair might sound harmless enough but as Voysey says, it can be one of the most damaging affairs to a relationship.
“I counsel individuals who tell me ‘it can’t be an affair because we were never intimate’, but then proceed to tell me how they have a whole imagined future with this person. They might have shared intimate personal details over many months or even years, with no topic off-limits. How they would survive financially, and where they would live. It is often a very deep relationship and very difficult to break away from,” says Voysey.
2. The lust-only affair
This could be as simple as a one-night stand and as Voysey says, it is all about chasing the thrill of the illicit.
“In my experience, it can be harder for women to have ’just sleep with’ with someone without emotion coming into play but I am starting to see more women compartmentalizing their feelings to enjoy lust-based affairs. This type of affair might start with a one-off fling and progress to regular meet-ups. It can lead to a more emotional affair if a strong attachment forms between the couple," explains Voysey.
A study published in the Indian Journal of Endocrinology and Metabolism found that it is primarily motivated by intense intimtae desire or attraction towards another person, often lacking deep emotional connection or commitment.
It can be driven by a need for novelty, excitement, or a temporary escape from perceived dissatisfaction in a current relationship, sometimes fueled by low self-esteem or poor coping mechanisms. If someone is struggling with recurrent lust-driven affairs, seeking therapy can help identify underlying issues and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
3. The side-relationship affair
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The second relationship affair is exactly as it describes: one partner is having an all-consuming affair with someone else. In Voysey’s experience, the majority of individuals having a second relationship are in unhappy marriages they don’t know how to get out of.
“Perhaps they married their current partner at a young age, and they consider this new relationship to be the ‘real deal,’ or the person a ‘soulmate.’ I hear that this is the ‘right person, wrong time’ or ‘I have never felt like this before’ when counseling someone going through this type of affair, and often the person involved wants to leave their current partner to start again.
Sometimes, this is exactly what happens when both unfaithful partners agree to this path, but it can be a very difficult way to start a relationship as trust issues can creep in later on,” says Voysey.
4. A one-sided affair
Some couples might be cruising along in marriage when out of the blue one partner is tempted into an affair by someone intent on pursuing them for an affair. “I see couples where the unfaithful party is almost surprised by their behavior saying ‘I wasn’t unhappy, I wasn’t looking for an affair, but it just happened!’”
Voysey says that it all depends on how strong someone is in the face of temptation. “It might be someone at work or at a conference who shows desire for the person that ultimately they couldn’t resist, even if they were supposedly happily coupled up. The other partner had no idea anything was wrong with the partnership, which makes it hard to move on from.”
A one-sided affair occurs when one person in a relationship invests significantly more emotionally and energetically than the other. A study published in the Current Opinion in Psychology concluded that this leads to feelings of imbalance, frustration, and often a decline in self-esteem for the giving partner.
The receiving partner may not fully recognize the extent of the imbalance or its negative impact on their partner. This can stem from underlying issues like low self-worth, codependent tendencies, or a desire for validation from the other person.
5. The post-crisis affair
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The post-crisis affair occurs after a huge and unprecedented change in someone’s life that, as Voysey says, leaves them reeling and asking, ‘Who am I?’
“It could be the death of their mother or a close friend, a personal health crisis, or redundancy at work. Something that creates upheaval and opens up a lot of questioning and soul searching that can lead on to a need ‘to feel again’ with someone new,” says Voysey.
6. The catch-up affair
The sixth type of affair is limited to people who married young or didn’t get much other intimate experience and have a strong curiosity to sleep with someone else.
“They might be happy with their partner but feel like they missed out on ‘sowing the wild oats’ when they were younger so the only option left open to them now is to have an affair. This can be quite sad as the couple might otherwise be happy and affairs though exciting, can end up proving their primary relationship was good.”
This is quite common and can be attributed to a natural human desire for novelty, often stemming from the concept of the unknown or the grass is always greener mentality. However, a 2012 study concluded that acting on this curiosity depends on individual values, relationship dynamics, and personal commitment levels. If not addressed openly and honestly with your partner, it can also be a sign of potential relationship issues.
While all affairs and betrayals are different, most of them spring from unhappiness or a distinct lack of communication. Voysey states that while some couples might be genuinely miserable with both parties feeling their needs are going unmet, other couples are just living parallel lives where it is all about logistics and very little fun. Something to watch out for might be when resentment creeps into regular thought.
“When an individual starts to believe they ‘deserve better’, this is often a danger sign for any couple. I mostly talk to and treat people once the affair has started or the marriage is deeply in trouble. I wish that more people would seek help earlier on, as it is much easier to turn a relationship around before the crisis of an affair hits,” explains Voysey.
Laura Jackel is a writer who focuses on love and relationships. Her work has been published by Mamamia, Sunday Life Magazine, Essential Kids, The Telegraph, and The Guardian.