The One Type Of Love That Makes Us Truly Courageous
“How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved.” — Sigmund Freud
goodluz When we are certain of unconditional love, not just from another, but also from ourselves, we become warriors of the heart. We will leap beyond what we once conceived as possible because a love we’ve never known has shattered the paradigm of the upper limits of what we thought connection could be and bring.
Unfortunately for many, being certain about being loved is a foreign concept.
What is often modeled is that if we don’t agree with and adopt the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of our family, religion, or culture, we are exiled from our community.
If we get divorced we’re seen as a failure. If we make a mistake of any kind, we are discarded.
This is not love.
Also, what I’m saying is not synonymous with lacking boundaries and standards, as well as consequences for behavioral expectations.
What I’m talking about is love that is given and taken away for performance and compliance.
I’m not here for that.
If I don’t agree with your ideology, your beliefs, your politics, and your medical choices, I will still love you. If you make a mistake, if you get divorced, if you were broken up with or left someone, you cheated or were cheated on, you are still worthy of being loved.
Communities that are unconditionally loving welcome the wisdom that comes from mistakes. They sit the person down and remind them that they, as individuals are still very loved. And then through the guidance of leaders/elders, the experience is safely held with curious and loving eyes.
When we’re shamed for choices we’ve made and exiled from a community, it often blocks access to the growth and change that can come from the experience (sometimes it’s also what helps us access it).
As Francis Weller so eloquently says, “For many of us we spend our lives seeking to belong, but at some point, we have to become the place of welcome.”
We may not have experienced this type of family or community, but that doesn’t mean we can’t create it.
By developing curiosity and compassion for the darkest and most shameful parts of ourselves we learn to model how to do that for others. As the saying goes, “hurt people, hurt people” and “healed people, heal people.”
In the container of community and soul-family, we can create a powerful space that is about restoration, not annihilation.
Photo: kate_sept2004 / Getty Images Signature via Canva
My invitation to you is to cultivate and create that space with all the relationships you surround yourself with.
This is not an invitation to lower your standards or be boundary-less. That’s not love.
This is a call to fiercely hold those standards and boundaries while compassionately inviting others forward to what is possible for them. In turn, you give life to what is possible for you.
Ultimately, it’s about becoming everything you’ve always sought.
Mark Groves is a Human Connection Specialist, founder of Create the Love, co-author of Liberated Love and host of the Mark Groves Podcast. Mark's work bridges the academic and the human, inviting people to explore the good, the bad, the downright ugly, and the beautiful sides of connection.