14 Simple Tricks Wives Use To Get Their Husbands To Listen More Without Nagging, According To Research
Getting husbands to listen better is hard, but not impossible.
Kevin Wolf | Unsplash If there’s one thing that seems to be virtually impossible in a lot of situations, it’s getting husbands to listen more without having to nag. And if you’re in a situation where you’re interested in commitment or similar, you already know that you want to get him to listen (and act) without sounding needy. This is a fine, fine line you have to walk.
The problem with getting men to listen isn’t just the actual listening part. It’s not sounding crazy and still getting what you need out of the relationship. Speaking as someone who only recently mastered this, here are tricks to master communication skills and get your husband to listen more.
Here are the simple tricks wives use to get their husbands to listen more without nagging:
1. Realize that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink
What I’m saying is that there’s only so much you can do to try to get a person to listen to you. There are only so many times you can try to sit him down and explain to him your needs.
If he’s not listening after you repeatedly tell him that you’re not happy with something, you need to realize he’s saying that you’re not important enough to listen to. If he’s saying that with his actions, it may be time to break up. (Protip: Don’t get back together with him if this is what it takes to get him to listen.)
2. Talk to him when it’s a good time
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In other words, don’t try to talk to him while he’s watching football with his friends or trying to do his taxes. He will get annoyed with you and just want to end the conversation quickly. Instead, take time while he’s eating dinner to discuss things.
This is crucial for effective communication in a relationship. Approaching a conversation when your partner is stressed, tired, or distracted can lead to adverse reactions and hinder productive dialogue.
Research by The Gottman Institute recommended that before launching into a significant topic, you ask your partner if now is a good time to talk. This can help avoid frustration and ensure they are ready to engage. Frustration can build up if you repeatedly try to talk about something when your partner is not fully available, leading to more considerable arguments.
3. React without aggression
What I mean by “aggression” is extreme behavior like yelling, emotional blackmail, throwing tantrums, or threatening to leave. Most men will not react well to these tactics, and they honestly shouldn’t. Why? Because these tactics are extremely unhealthy for any relationship.
4. Smile and ask if you can talk to him for a bit
The “we need to talk” phrase should be used sparingly, as most guys tend to assume that you will kill him after saying that. Asking if you can talk to your husband is a healthy communication practice.
It encourages open communication, fosters a sense of partnership, and can help prevent misunderstandings by ensuring your partner is ready to engage in a conversation. However, a study by Harvard University explained that the key is to approach the request with a positive, respectful tone and be mindful of the timing and context of the conversation.
5. Ask for his input
More often than not, when we want something done or when we want someone to listen, we forget to listen to them, too. You’d be surprised at how many guys want to give their two cents but get steamrolled by their girlfriends. Chances are that you might uncover a lot of issues that you can work through together.
6. Explain the 'whys' of things
Saying things like, “Honey, I have been feeling unappreciated and overexerted. I work 40 hours a day, clean the house, and take care of the kids. It’s getting to the point where I’m feeling like I’m running on empty. Could you please take me out for a pampering day?” will get you much further than, “I need a spa day, now.”
Explaining yourself to your husband can significantly benefit a relationship by fostering better communication, building trust, increasing understanding, and promoting a stronger emotional connection between partners.
A 2020 study concluded that it allows for a more open and authentic relationship in which both individuals feel seen and valued by each other. While explaining yourself is essential, excessive justification or repetitive explanations can sometimes come across as defensive and hinder communication.
7. Avoid using 'you' and 'never/always'
Men tend to shut down when they hear accusatory language, so if you can, pose it as a problem that you can both tackle together. So, instead of saying, “You never seem to appreciate me,” say something along the lines of, “We should have a day to focus on each other. You pamper me, I pamper you.”
8. If it’s a serious conversation, explain to him that he needs to listen
Emphasize its importance, and if it’s a matter where you may break up, tell him that. Don’t let him think it’s casual when it’s not.
A 2022 study explained that explicitly stating your need for your partner to listen fosters a sense of validation, deepens connection, and promotes healthy communication within a relationship, especially when dealing with concerns or challenges. Letting your partner know you require their focused attention to feel heard and understood is key to addressing issues effectively and strengthening the bond.
9. Explain your needs firmly, clearly, and assertively
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This is the hardest part about how to get him to listen. We often will dance around the issue until we blow up. This is especially true with commitment talks.
A good example of an assertive way to talk to a guy without sounding crazy is to tell him, “Listen, I love you, but I need to know where we are going. My goal is to marry within the next two years. I need to know what your timeline is looking like and what I should expect.”
10. Emphasize the positive things about him, even if you’re criticizing him
Too much criticism can kill the strongest relationships. So, don’t criticize him too much. A common way to keep morale up in the office is to sandwich critiques via a positive-negative-positive method. It works well with relationships, too.
For example, this would be a good line to use: “Honey, you’re the best man I’ve ever been with, but leaving your work clothes in the bathroom has got to stop, okay? You’re so tidy with your desk, so this shouldn’t be an issue.”
11. Believe what you hear him say
Men are way more direct than women are, communication-wise. If he’s saying he doesn’t want to marry, believe him and act accordingly.
12. Stick to the subject at hand
Some guys may try to divert your attention to avoid a tough topic. If you notice that, tell him, “Yes, we can discuss that later, now let’s get back to the original topic, okay?”
A 2022 study supports the importance of focusing on one subject at a time when talking to your husband. This allows for deeper understanding, and better active listening, and prevents confusion. By keeping the conversation streamlined and focused on a single point, you can lead to more productive communication and a stronger connection.
13. If it’s turning into an argument or you’re not getting through to him, state your point succinctly then stop talking
Things can get very ugly with certain discussions. Do not try to get a reaction from him if you can tell he’s very ruffled. Do not try to force the subject if you’re beating a dead horse. Rather, just state your point as simply as possible, turn around, and leave. Or take a nap.
A good example of this would be if you feel like your partner is embarrassed by you. Just say, “Look, I feel like you’re hiding me away from everyone else. If you don’t want to be with me and are ashamed of me, then tell me. If you do want to be with me, take me out when you’re with family or friends. Your decision.”
14. If he refuses to even talk to you or flips out, remain calm
I’ve been in a couple of relationships where openly discussing things would not happen. He’d stonewall or just blow up if I mentioned certain things. As hard as it is to do, it’s crucial to remain calm.
Understand that a reaction like this is a reflection of him, not you, and that it’s time to bring the relationship to a close. Should he ask why, tell him, “I don’t maintain relationships with men that I can’t discuss with, sorry. This conversation is over.”
Remaining calm when your husband refuses to discuss specific topics is important because it can help prevent further escalation of the situation, create a more receptive environment for future conversations, and avoid pushing him further into a defensive or withdrawn state. According to a 2022 study, this could allow him to open up when he feels ready.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.