2 Essential Traits Women Who Grew Up As The Black Sheep In Their Family Need In A Partner, According To A Certified Mindset Coach
Have you come to terms with how your childhood trauma is affecting your love life?
Miljan Zivkovic | Shutterstock Mindset coach Aishah shared her theory that children who were the “black sheep” in their family often struggle to maintain healthy relationships into adulthood.
Aishah explained, “From a very early age, they’re made to feel like they’re inherently different from their family members.” As the “black sheep” child grows up, they adopt “nonconformist” attitudes towards their family, hoping to craft autonomy but also putting up walls against criticism.
That can make connecting to a love interest difficult.
Here are the 2 essential traits women who were the ‘black sheep’ in their families need in a partner:
According to Aishah, in order to truly heal and find happiness and romance, women who struggled to fit in when they were children need to look for two specific traits in a partner.
1. Someone who leads with compassion
Compassion is a blend of understanding, concern, empathy, and kindness, and it truly is the foundation of great relationships.
If you can understand one another, compromise, communicate kindly in difficult conversations, and make your partner feel heard, you can get through anything together.
Research suggests that in most relationships, from casual daters to decades-long marriages, people are happier with a compassionate partner.
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Especially for “black sheep,” that tend towards avoidant or dismissive attachment styles, compassion can be a pillar of security — giving them the space to heal, be themselves, and find safety in connection again.
2. Someone who is consistent
“Initially, you’re going to find this very boring,” Aishah said. “You’re used to being in relationships that are like roller coasters…because our brains seek out familiarity.”
“Because you’ve experienced criticism and control as a form of love, you don’t know how to make sense of a person who loves you for who you are and is consistent.”
Experts like lifestyle coach Brianna Diorio backed up Aishah's claim of cherishing “consistency” in a relationship over perfection, lust, or excitement.
“Find someone who wants to work through conflict resolution with you … who can sit in the mud with you but also has values, visions, and lifestyles that align with you.”
Healthy partners bring out the best in us, allowing us to truly embrace our identities without criticism or fear of scaring them away. We can be quirky, different, and bold without judgment, and they consistently make space for us to be ourselves.
Consistent commitment, communication, and stability can help people with this kind of childhood trauma to truly heal and move forward — disarming their “fight or flight responses” and embracing their authenticity without fear.
People who grew up as the ‘black sheep’ need a safe space and security in romantic partners to heal from their familial trauma.
Everyone deserves a connection centered around love, compassion, understanding, and consistency, but more often than not, we self-sabotage. Especially with lingering romantic and childhood trauma in our back pockets, how can we not?
However, no matter how much you try to prove it, the idea that healthy relationships spawn out of nowhere is irrational and rare. Healthy partnerships are founded on commitment, healing, honesty, and communication — something that you’ll never achieve if you keep putting yourself in toxic situations, overlooking red flags, and making excuses for bad partners.
You don’t need to be defensive in the face of compassion. You can love someone without holding back pieces of your personality. The person you’re meant to be wants you for who you are.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.