5 Highly Evolved Traits Of Someone With A High Relationship IQ
They break the most unhealthy patterns.
Ahmed | Unsplash If you find yourself unable to stop thinking and worrying about other adults in your life, you likely chalk it up to being a caring, empathetic person — which you probably are! But if you also find yourself rescuing or taking care of other adults while neglecting important aspects of your own care, you might need to work on your relationship IQ.
How do so many intelligent, capable people get into "low relationship IQ" territory and ignore red flags? Therapist Logan Cohen explains, "it' because those red flags feel like an invitation home.
Fortunately, this doesn't have to last forever. The process of recovering from this process takes time and hard work, but you can begin to overcome these patterns and find healthy, mutually fulfilling love and raise your relationship IQ. The process starts within.
Five skills of people with a high relationship IQ
1. They recognize unhealthy patterns in current and past relationships
It is important to recognize these patterns so you can start working on and fixing, the behaviors that are causing your relationships to be unhealthy.
Unrecognized unhealthy patterns are often the result of unresolved past trauma, as explained by psychologist Judy Tiesel-Jensen, "Trauma occurs when the brain gets overwhelmed with incoming data. It happens so fast or is so much, that the brain doesn’t have a chance to process what’s happening. When that data doesn’t get processed, it acts like a Trojan horse virus to disrupt and distract our thoughts and relationships."
Often, that disruption lasts until we are in a safe place and time and are able to lovingly face it and take it apart. Only then are we truly able to recognize those unhealthy patterns and break them.
2. They learn to detach with love
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When a relationship is imbalanced, even after conversations and work to resolve the problems, people with high relationship IQs learn to detach — lovingly.
This does not mean you stop loving or caring for the other person. Rather, it means you make a conscious decision to take a step back and stop putting all of your time and energy into focusing on someone else.
This step is very important so you don’t continue to allow the chaos of someone else to destroy your life.
3. They challenge their own beliefs about self-worth
It is hard to change a life-long narrative about your value, but it's so worth it.
You should not need to prove anything about yourself to anyone else. The only person who needs to believe in your worth is you! Learn to love yourself and start accepting yourself for exactly who you are in this moment.
"There’s a common misconception that loving yourself is selfish or self-centered. But the truth is, self-love is the foundation of healthy relationships and a fulfilling life. When you love yourself, you’re better equipped to love others. You set an example of what it means to treat yourself with kindness and respect, and it truly impacts everything and everyone around you," advised marriage therapist Blair Nicole Nastasi.
4. They don’t let fear stop them from leaving a relationship
We can become trapped by our fears and in turn, get stuck in self-defeating relationships for too long because we fear being alone or feel responsible for the other person’s happiness. In reality, this fear very well may be preventing you from finding the happiness you deserve in life.
People with high relationship IQs reach out to the balanced, happy people who have healthy relationships for perspective, hire clinical therapists or coaches, or find other ways to prevent fear from keeping them in unhealthy relationships. it isn't luck that some people are surrounded by healthy, balanced people, it's a choice. One you can make, too!
5. They visualize healthy relationships
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It is important to know what a healthy relationship looks like, as well as what things you want and deserve in a relationship. If you take some time to visualize your ideal relationship, it will make it easier for you to identify potential red flags for codependent behaviors in the future.
Codependency can be a huge problem for people in relationships. If you find yourself wondering "Am I codependent?" then it's time to take action to be a healthy, whole individual.
A study in Contemporary Family Therapy Journal showed codependent relationships can be more common than you realize. After all, you rely on your spouse or partner, friends, and family members to help you — and asking for help when you need it is a good, healthy ability.
But when codependency occurs, it quickly becomes limiting and affects your happiness and well-being. If you're struggling to stop being codependent because you feel like you can't do anything independently then you may feel powerless to take control of your life back.
Melody Beattie, a well-known author in the area of relationships, once wrote, “A codependent person has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”
Though the term, “codependency” was created to describe a relationship with an alcoholic partner, we have now come to recognize that the term can be used to describe many different types of unhealthy relationships.
Here are seven common signs you may be codependent:
- Find yourself attracted to needy people
- Feel responsible for other people’s thoughts, feelings, actions, and well-being
- Overcommit yourself to others
- Feel bored if you don’t have a crisis to deal with, a problem to solve, or someone to help
- Try to please others instead of yourself
- Abandon your routine to take care of or do something for someone else
- Feel sad because you always give to everyone else but nobody gives back
- Often when we have been in an unhealthy or codependent relationship in the past, we will seek out comfort in yet another unhealthy or emotionally unavailable partner because that is what is familiar to us. These unhealthy relationships become a pattern that we feel we are unable to break.
This article was written by Amanda Wiegert for Life Counseling Solutions.
Amanda Wiegart, LMHC, is a life coach who's passionate about helping people navigate all stages of life.