11 Traits Of Married Couples Who Are More Like Roommates Than Actual Life Partners
Small acts of kindness and honest communication can go a long way in a stagnant marriage.
True Touch Lifestyle | Shutterstock.com We all know that romantic relationships go through a honeymoon phase at the beginning, but psychologists say it's also natural for couples to go through a “roommate phase” once they've been married and living together for a while and have become more preoccupied by work, kids and outside interests than they are by what is no longer new love.
When a roommate stage lingers for too long, it can lead to resentment and disconnect between partners who no longer view their relationship as innately special or a top priority. By picking up on the traits of a married couple who are more like roommates than actual life partners early on, you can open up honest conversations about how to balance intimacy with comfort and all the chores you’re responsible for at home.
Here are 11 traits of married couples who are more like roommates than actual life partners
1. They lack intimacy
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Both physical and emotional intimacy are foundational to both partners’ health and well-being. Founded on mutual understanding, respect, and vulnerability, a true sense of intimacy is much more than physical closeness — it’s an emotional connection that allows partners to be their most authentic, open, and honest selves in their marriages.
When married partners living together lack this intimacy, they can fall into an unfortunate cycle of isolation where neither partner is engaging in physical closeness, seeking out affection, or communicating openly with their partner about their desires, needs, and emotions.
To combat this unsettling cycle, figure out small ways to bring back moments of intimacy with your partner — whether it’s 10 minutes of quality time at the end of the day or a planned date night every month to invest in your relationship.
2. They struggle to have open conversations about their relationships
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Couples who struggle with vulnerability and open communication often develop resentment in their marriages, putting a strain on them not only during conflicts, but in their daily lives.
They’re irritable and angry at each other constantly, anxious and distressed over not having their needs met and not feeling close to their partner. They may even rely on text messages to communicate even when they're just a few rooms apart.
This roommate dynamic can further isolate married partners from each other — leading them to indulge their own emotions and needs without consideration for their partner or their partnership.
While it might be uncomfortable at first, try scheduling time for conversations at home, making space for both partners to express whatever they need to.
3. They spend too much time together
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While it might seem like married couples going through a roommate phase would be spending less time together, as they’re experiencing feelings of isolation and disconnect from their partner, the majority of them actually spend too much time together. However, the time spent together is typically unfulfilling and bland, characterized by two partners doing completely separate activities or tasks.
While having different hobbies and interests is important, it can be helpful for married couples to find time to do things together. Even indulging in something new, like a planned date where both partners are trying something new, can spark important feelings of connection, excitement, and passion, according to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Of course, quality time with yourself, away from your married partner, is also incredibly important for emotional regulation, individuality, and self-care.
Whether you’re nurturing platonic relationships or investing in a stress-relieving hobby, taking space to yourself can genuinely benefit overcoming stagnancy in public.
4. They avoid necessary conflict
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Especially for couples that aren’t sitting down consistently to have open conversations, conflict and occasional arguments can actually be healthy ways for both partners to express their pent up emotions, resolve situations, and communicate their needs.
However, many people in marriages stuck in the roommate rut tend to avoid conflicts to continue living comfortably, essentially co-existing with their partner rather than investing into the future and growth of their relationship.
According to experts from National University, both partners should commit to active listening during these arguments, especially if they’re uncomfortable or vulnerable. Ensure you make space for your partner to feel heard and supported while expressing their needs and emotions, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their perspective.
5. They feel like their marriage is a burden
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Relationship therapists tend to throw around certain phrases we’ve all heard a thousand times: open communication, empathy, understanding, and respect. While they have a tendency to be over-used, it’s impossible to ignore how paying attention to these concepts can truly change the trajectory of a marriage when implemented in the small moments of a marriage.
Partners who don’t feel heard or like their needs are being met don’t view their relationship as something to invest in or protect, but rather as a burden they feel responsible for occasionally feeding into and sometimes tolerating.
To overcome this trait of married couples who are more like roommates than actual life partners, you have to both shift your perspective and commit to radical honesty and vulnerability with your partner.
What does your future look like? What do you and your partner need to feel loved? How can you spice up your daily life to ensure nobody feels unappreciated?
6. They’re busy or burnt out
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Many married partners fall into a difficult dynamic when they start their lives and move in together, balancing their careers, families, household responsibilities, and newfound financial situation while also investing in the future of their relationship.
While it’s a common struggle for most couples, when a marriage is consistently overlooked in favor of other avenues of life — like working long hours or over-scheduling a shared calendar — it can spark this stagnant roommate dynamic.
It’s possible to be busy and also invest into your relationship, but it takes clear boundaries and open communications about expectations to achieve.
Figure out what your partner values, what they need from you, and how you can schedule quality time together to ensure that your marriage never gets put on the back burner. Not only will you show up better for each other, you’ll find a better balance between all the stressors and responsibilities in your life.
7. They struggle to envision the future
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Author of the “Relationship Reset,” Lissy Abrahams argues that a fear or uncertainty about the future often stems from isolation or disconnection. You don’t feel a sense of control over your future, not just because your own needs are going unmet in your marriage, but because you have no idea how your partner feels or what they’re envisioning the future to look like.
Without the communication that’s necessary to sustain a healthy marriage, both partners feel stagnant and uncertain about their futures. While it’s one of the common traits of married couples who are more like roommates than actual life partners, it’s possible to overcome this anxiety with open communication — whether it’s at home or with a marriage counselor.
Suppressing this anxiety and continuing to dodge vulnerable discussions with your partner won’t make this disconnect go away, so address it early, before it bubbles into resentment.
8. They feel resentful about little things
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Resentment is one of the common traits of married couples who are more like roommates than actual life partners. Despite being comfortable at home, many partners feel a sense of distaste, disconnection, or lacking trust as a result of their living situation that makes them feel resentful towards their partner.
Krista Jordan, PhD, says that overcoming resentment in a marriage comes down to understanding where the resentment comes from and which of your needs are going unmet.
By figuring out what’s going on behind your resentment and feelings of frustration, you'll have a more balanced foundation to communicate through your struggles.
Whether it’s with a friend, a therapist, or directly with your partner, all of which help in various ways, communicating openly about your resentment can help you trailblaze a new path forward, both towards forgiveness and emotional regulation.
9. They take each other for granted
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Even amid the chaos and stress of life, there are important ways to express gratitude towards your partner that can ensure they feel loved and supported in your marriage. According to experts from Eddins Counseling Group, stale relationships can be transformed with loving service, physical connection, and communication.
Remind yourself and your partner why you got married in the first place. Maybe even plan a date from early in your relationship to spark similar feelings of excitement.
Partners who consistently take their marriages for granted may be battling stress, anxiety, and a chaotic schedule, but it’s still possible to focus on the small moments of love, laughter, and connection — even if it’s in passing or for 5 minutes before work.
10. They make plans without telling their partner
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Psychology experts name trust as a foundational aspect of all relationships, especially in long-term committed marriages. When partners don’t trust their partners or have a sense of mutual understanding in their relationships, everything else tends to erode — from communication, to physical intimacy, and a general sense of security in their partner.
When a married couple starts venturing off on their own, making plans, and avoiding their partner without any kind of communication, it’s a clear sign that this important trust has been broken.
Roommates may not feel obligated to share their lives with the people they live with, but married couples made a commitment to sharing their lives — both the good and the bad — without any restrictions.
11. They imagine what life would be like with someone else
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While it might be hard to come to terms with, many married partners living through the roommate stage are grappling with the staleness life sometimes presents post-honeymoon period. They’re yearning for the sensuality and excitement newlyweds feel starting their life together, in a direct contrast to the life they’re living now.
What these partners fail to realize, while daydreaming about a crush or envisioning a more exciting life, is that they have the power to introduce those feelings and experiences back into their routines.
It’s all about communication and mindset. If you need something, emotionally or physically, from your partner, ask them for it. You’ll never embody the life you desire without speaking it into existence.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.