3 Tools A Couples Counselor Wishes Everyone Used During A Fight
Techniques to resolve conflict with your partner.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Arguing with your partner is one of the worst feelings in the world. And even though we love our partner and don't want to hurt each other, arguments happen, and sometimes, things just need to be said.
However, how we say these things matters and can either make or break our relationship. But I get it, when we're in the middle of an argument, it can be really hard to de-escalate once things get heated.
Here are 3 tools a couples counselor wishes everyone used during a fight:
So, what are some tips we can use to calm down conflicts in our relationship? Licensed therapist Jeff Guenther shares three powerful techniques you need to try the next time you're arguing with your partner.
1. Respond to your partner's emotional experience — there is probably more going on underneath all the angry words.
When arguing with your partner it's easy to laser-focus on what your partner is saying. However, it's important to change direction and learn to respond to their emotional experience instead.
But I get it, this is extremely hard. As Guenther puts it, "Very tricky not to act defensively if your partner sees a dirty glass in the sink and says, 'Cool, cool, cool, so you've completely given up on this relationship? Love to see it.'"
Yes, this passive-aggressive behavior would send anyone into a frenzy. But if they're complaining about dishes in the sink, then chances are there is more to this problem than meets the eye.
And whether it's because of your actions or somebody else's, understanding this underlying frustration can better help you get to the bottom of the real conflict within your relationship,a s shown by a 2018 study.
So, instead of asking if they've lost their ever-loving mind, simply respond with, "I can see you're really frustrated and overwhelmed right now. I'm gonna put this glass in the dishwasher, let's talk," says Guenther.
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2. Understand that what you intended may not have been what your partner actually experienced.
"The but I had good intentions reasonings is long overdue for retirement," says Guenther. The reality is, this statement can take away from how your partner is feeling.
And yes, you might have started with good intentions. You might have cooked that dinner to be sweet or picked up those groceries to be helpful.
However, hurtful actions are still hurtful actions no matter how you dress them. So, instead of saying, "I didn't mean to hurt you," what could you say instead?
Try saying, "I'm sorry I hurt you, tell me more about how you're feeling," says Guenther. Learn to step outside your comfort zone and let go of your defensiveness.
Acknowledge your partner's hurt and validate their pain — even if it makes you uncomfortable. As Guenther ends with, "You can deal with who is wrong and who is right later."
3. Don't project your own insecurities onto your partner.
"If you've got abandonment issues and who doesn't, you might get triggered when your partner asks for a little space," explains Guenther.
You might think you've messed up or your partner doesn't love you anymore. And it might make you feel like you're being abandoned and left in the dust. But, this is why it's important to not feed into those insecurities, according research conducted in 2017. Instead, always be honest with what you're experiencing.
Guenther says, "Try letting them know in a vulnerable and honest way that you're feeling triggered and likely projecting some of your abandonment fears onto them when they ask to be alone."
Likely, your partner will understand your struggles and shower you with compassion. And together, it'll be much easier to figure things out and create a healing moment that will only strengthen and secure your relationship.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.