To Save A Marriage, Let Go Of These 4 Little Things
You have to let go of the past if you want your marriage to succeed in the future.
YuriArcurs, Delmaine Donson | Canva Psychologists believe that emotional patterns formed in your childhood carry into adulthood, manifesting in real-life circumstances unless they are challenged and reframed. Only then can you witness an improvement in your life. It’s as if life is just a gigantic mirror reflecting all those old, self-limiting opinions formed in the mind of an irrational child back at you. And the last thing we want is for the mindset of your inner, immature child to run your adult life — especially your marriage.
So if you want to save your marriage or relationship, you have to come to one powerful realization: Your partner’s behaviors, attitudes, and actions do not define your sense of worthiness or human "enoughness." That state is innate and unconditional — it's your spiritual backbone, which is unshakable. Maybe back then, during childhood, you weren't in control of your mental perceptions, but now you’re in complete control over the opinions you form and this is crucial because the opinions you form today will determine your future actions and life experiences.
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Here are 4 things you must let go of if you want to save your marriage:
1. Let go of the idea that something is wrong
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. It’s normal for things to go bad; breakdowns are inevitable. However, you don’t have to get stuck in your upset and create a murky lens of perception through which you view your partner. Instead, ask yourself: Why am I getting so upset? What does this say about me?
Usually, the answer will be that one of those false core beliefs formed in childhood got triggered. Reassure yourself by recognizing that it’s just not true. When you feel soothed, that changes the dynamics of the conversation and your partner feels soothed, too. From this new place of calm, it’s easier to communicate your needs and preferences to your partner, who may now be surprisingly open to hearing your concerns. Remember: When you let go of your triggers and accept your worthiness, your mind is calm, and you always communicate more clearly.
2. Let go of blaming your partner for being a messed-up human
Expecting another person to perform perfectly to satisfy your needs every single time you feel vulnerable is not a feasible expectation. Just like you, your partner is a flawed human being and inevitably they'll do things (big or small) that annoy and upset you. But when you accept yourself and your partner as imperfect, you can communicate your needs because you're no longer letting your inner child — the one feeling upset — speak through you. When that happens, then it’s easier to give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
3. Let go of taking their actions, moods, and attitudes personally
Since you can never rely on another person to fully satisfy your needs, you might as well gain independence for your happiness, regardless of where your partner is emotionally. If you don't take their attitudes personally, you can also become their strength when they're down, offering words of encouragement or simply listening without judgment.
4. Let go of the old patterns of behavior controlling you
Do not repeat your parents’ marriage — unless it was a happy one — and don’t blame them for their marriage difficulties, if it was a disruptive one. Your parents were imperfect humans, doing the best they could. Oftentimes, however, you may get caught in adopting their marital traits and repeating them with your spouse or partner. Once you realize you're not your parents, you can learn to keep away from negative patterns and dynamics in your relationship.
You’re an adult now, and you don’t have to follow the patterns set by your parents. Talk to each other about your parents’ marriage — what you liked and what you didn’t like — and how you’d like yours to be different. This may be an ongoing process, but stick with it. Once you’re free of your parents’ patterns, you can make decisions together about what kind of marriage you want to create and experience.
So there you have it. It takes courage to look within and take responsibility for your negativity; it’s much easier to point fingers and blame your partner, but that’s not who you are. You and your spouse deserve happiness in your relationship. Try these techniques for 30 days and repeat the process if you need more time. Remember, it takes time to establish new habits and to create new dynamics in your relationship. Things can only change for the better when your mentality shifts.
Katherine Agranovich, Ph.D., is a Medical Hypnotherapist and Holistic Consultant. She is the author of Tales of My Large, Loud, Spiritual Family.