6 Tips For Being Married And Fine With It
Even if you are never single again, you can still have a good enough life.
stockfour | Canva I know it may not seem this way, but being married and being happy are not mutually exclusive. It’s true! You can be married and live life at the same time. That’s hard, I know, so I tried to offer help previously when I wrote, “How To Be Okay With Being Married.”
Sadly, though, some of you are still struggling with married life. I hear you. I want to do something about that. I’ve identified some of the questions and misgivings that married people may have and will respond with similar tips, validation, and reassurance.
Here are six tips for being married and fine with it:
1. Stop comparing yourself to single people
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Learning to be happy with yourself is the key. You know what you enjoy in life and your partner. You have your hobbies and interests and double dates, of course.
If you are reasonably happy as a married person, does it matter that many, many single people seem happier than you? And if you want to stay reasonably happy, never read books like Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life; they are not relevant to your life.
A 2022 study by Frontiers in Psychology found that comparing your married life to single people's lives can be detrimental to your relationship, as it often involves inaccurate stereotypes about single life and can lead to feelings of inadequacy or dissatisfaction with your marriage, even if it's fulfilling. Experts usually advise focusing on your unique partnership and appreciating the benefits of marriage rather than comparing it to others' situations.
2. Examine your motives
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Would you be happier single, or do you just think you would because so many single people seem so blissful? Only you truly know how you feel.
Did you marry for love, convenience, or money? Was it just about making Mom happy? Don’t worry! The second thoughts about whether or not your spouse is The One — or whether you should have ever married in the first place — will fade, eventually.
If you're having second thoughts about marriage, the most important thing to do is openly communicate your concerns with your partner and consider seeking support from a therapist, either individually or as a couple, to explore the root of your doubts and healthily work through them. A 2013 study found that reflecting on the strengths of your relationship, identifying any underlying issues, and setting realistic expectations are also crucial aspects to consider when navigating pre-wedding jitters.
3. Pretend you are single and claim your freedom
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When I was at the University of Virginia, I had a colleague who was brilliant. She had a PhD and could handle just about any challenge that was thrown her way.
Sometimes she would talk about things she wanted to do, but never did, explaining, “My husband won’t let me.” Don’t be that person. Even married people can do as they please now and then.
4. Give yourself the gift of 'single time'
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Couples are often advised to have date nights. But it may be just as important if not more so, to carve out some time for yourself — your “single time.”
It’s like a date night, but without the unpleasant partner there to offer their “opinions” on “what they want to do.” For example, stay in on Friday night, while your spouse goes to the bar with friends so that you can finally binge that streaming show your spouse says is dumb and predictable and always chooses a sitcom over instead.
A 2023 study found that having alone time in a marriage is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship, as it allows individuals to preserve their identity, recharge emotionally, and appreciate their partner more by fostering a sense of personal space and preventing codependency. Time apart can strengthen the bond between partners by allowing for individual growth and renewal.
5. Develop the skills that single people have
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Have you and your spouse been divvying up the tasks of everyday life, such as cooking, cleaning, shopping, keeping track of finances, doing the taxes, and maintaining the car? That can feel like a real advantage over single people, especially those who live alone and cover everything themselves.
But think about what will happen if your spouse ends up leaving you for the tennis pro at your club. You know — Josh. All of a sudden, you’re killing houseplants and watching YouTube videos called DON’T DO THIS WHEN YOUR DISHWASHER BREAKS — REAL! So do yourself a favor and do what single people do. Be sure you know how to do everything your spouse does. Or better yet, learn how to hire someone to help.
Research published by Frontiers in Psychology indicates that developing adult life skills, like effective communication, conflict resolution, financial management, and emotional intelligence, is crucial for a healthy and stable marriage, as these skills enable couples to navigate challenges, make informed decisions together, and maintain a solid emotional connection throughout their partnership.
6. Change how you think about being married
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Being married is a precious moment in your journey here on earth that you can use to work on living your best life. Sure, your single friends have a more fulfilling life than you. So, what?
Rather than waking up and feeling sorry for yourself because you’re married, you have the power to simply shift your mindset. It is important to remember that this moment in your life can be a real gift. Who cares if you spend your days pacing the perimeter of your house like a caged animal, gazing out at the single people around you? You still have so much to appreciate!
2022 research suggests that changing expectations about marriage is crucial for a healthy and fulfilling relationship, as outdated notions can lead to dissatisfaction and conflict due to unrealistic demands placed on a partner, highlighting the need to focus on adaptability, open communication, and realistic expectations that evolve with life stages and individual needs.
Bella DePaulo (PhD, Harvard) is the author of the award-winning Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life. She has been writing the “Living Single” blog for Psychology Today since 2008 and her TEDx talk, “What no one ever told you about people who are single,” has been viewed more than 1.7 million times.